Dear Caroline,

I think what you’re going through is normal. On one hand, you feel angry that people don’t respect you and sometimes even bully you, and that you haven’t done much about it so far:

I feel really depressed knowing how many people treated me like this. I am afraid no one would ever respect me because people know they can bully me.

It got so heavy suddenly when I realized how much I listen to other people, how they impact my decisions, my life. Things I buy, I eat etc. It’s so easy for people to manipulate me.

So you feel angry both at yourself and at other people, right?

At the same time, you fear standing up for yourself. You fear confrontation:

The worst is.. I am afraid of confrontation. I am scared of talking about this. Me? Standing up for myself?

And you are judging yourself for it:

So….pathetic.

So you fear confrontation, and you judge yourself for it at the same time. You believe you are weak, right?

I think the first thing is to just be aware of the mix of emotions you’re feeling at the moment: anger at others, anger at yourself, fear to stand up for yourself, and judgment of yourself for being “weak.”

It’s all natural. The first thing you can do to help yourself is to feel compassion for yourself. Feel compassion for your weak and scared part (your inner child), don’t judge yourself.

There is a reason why you are scared – because you’ve never stood up for yourself before and you’ve learned from your mother that one shouldn’t either. Your mother both shamed you and gave you a bad example of how to deal with other people’s bullying and disrespect: to just “suck it up”. To become small and invisible. To contract into yourself. To not provoke anybody. To not contradict. To not stand up for yourself.

So that’s the pattern you are battling with. It’s not your fault that you have it – you’ve learned it and adopted it in your childhood. So try to have compassion for yourself and for your child part who was taught to stay silent.

In short, don’t judge yourself for being where you are. You’ve got to start somewhere. Slowly but surely, you’ll start turning around that pattern. One small victory at a time.

As for the anger, it’s good to feel the healthy anger towards people who were/are bullying you. That helps us do something about it and set boundaries.

As for your girlfriend’s treatment of you, perhaps you’ve got into this dynamic where you are indecisive and often ask for her opinion, and then she starts treating you like a child and patronizing you:

I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her “should we buy this” “maybe I will buy this” and she almost always says “No, don’t”. “You can’t afford it” “Why do you need this” and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money). When it comes to buying cds online or expensive things for herself she doesn’t have that much problem. I really must stop asking her, I have to just take things I want, with no asking, no waiting for reassurance. Maybe I am the problem that I lack confidence and I ask her everything. So she became so bossy because I have no opinion of my own.

Yes, it’s possible that you are insecure and she feels like a parent to you. But also, she might be projecting stuff on you, like you said, due to her issues with her mother:

I think maybe it’s the pattern at her home: her mother doesn’t work and she spends too much, she buys things she doesn’t need for kitchen, plates, glasses, clocks, all kinds of necessary things and she pays for this from her husband’s money. And I noticed while we were visiting them that he sometimes jokes about her, it’s very similar. So it’s like this: she spends a lot of money for stupid things and he jokes about her, sometimes it’s rude.

I can imagine this can be an issue for your girlfriend: she has a mother who is a compulsive buyer (basically a shopping addict), and whom she is trying to prevent from over-spending. It’s very likely that her trying to prevent unnecessary buying became a reflex for her, and she’s doing it to you too, even if you’re not the same as her mother.

Over time, as you get more confident about your purchasing decisions, you’ll probably be asking your girlfriend less for “approval” of what you should buy. And if she tries to stop you, you can tell her that you understand her concerns, but that you’re not her mother and are not a shopping addict. And that you’d prefer if she wouldn’t try to prevent every purchase of yours.

So my girlfriend kind of projects this on me, I think. I once asked her why she is so mean while grocery shopping and she once told me she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy.

There you go: she is very likely projecting on you. And she is even aware of it. So next time you go grocery shopping, you can remind her of that, and ask her to please not try to stop you from buying the things you need and like.

We rarely talk about this. I think it got worse when she lost her dog and did not process those emotions. She yells at the cat and it’s for no reason, it’s stupid really. I know it’s because of the dog. And the new job perhaps, she gets angry, anxious, I think this job stresses her out but also gave her confidence that she earns money and works in this environment, she became more presumptuous.

Okay, so as you become more confident in standing up for yourself in small things, you can also start talking about emotions with her. In particular about her anger that she is so freely dumping on you. You can say that you notice she has angry outbursts both at you and the cat, and that you don’t appreciate being at the receiving end of her anger. You can say that you’re willing to talk to her about what’s bothering her, but that you’d appreciate a more loving communication on her part.

You don’t need to say all that at once – like bring up all the issues at the same time. But you can start setting a boundary here and there, e.g. not let her anger escalate but say that you don’t feel comfortable being at the receiving end of it, and that you’d appreciate if she would calm down a bit.

And then you’ll see how she reacts to those remarks – whether she is open to self-correcting or she starts deflecting and blaming you.

I texted her yesterday, she asked why I am so sad. I said about this name calling and being rude. She said she was sorry and that I should have told her because she didn’t know. So she obviously doesn’t remember I already told her this once. Not sure if she said sorry about this pet name only or overall being rude. We are going to meet today, I’ll see how that goes.

It’s a good sign if she apologized at least for something. She might be taking you for granted, because that’s what some people in long-term relationships do. And since you haven’t really said anything when she was rude to you, it kind of spiraled out of control. Maybe she is not a mean person, but her anger got the best of her. Well now, she has a chance to self-correct. I hope she will be open to change and to listening to you.

I am rooting for you, Caroline! You can do it. Remember: you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Therefore, it’s okay to stand up for yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.

You’re welcome, Caroline! I am glad it helped you see your situation more clearly and have more confidence.

Wishing you luck this weekend, and looking forward to your post!

Dear Caroline,

I talked to her, not much but I said she was mean to me sometimes, that she was not nice.

Did you tell her what specifically bothered you? Or you said it just in general, and she kind of knew what it was and now is treating you nicer?

Has she apologized for how she treated you?

I feel angry. I am scared the “nice phase” will pass and we will be back to the usual. I don’t want to go shopping anymore because now I have had enough.

Yes, unfortunately it’s possible that this is just a phase and that she will go back to her usual self once the situation settles. The question is whether she actually respects you, or she sees you as inferior and inapt, almost like a child who needs her guidance all the time.

She also said we would go to this concert of an artist that I like (But I wasn’t really planning to go so I told her that I am not sure if it works out).

So she hasn’t asked you whether you want to go, but just told you that you’d go to this concert of an artist you like?

I don’t know her actual intention, but if I would to extrapolate from her so-far behavior, it’s almost like she so far disapproved and “forbid” you to do certain things, but now she is “generous” enough and allows you to do those things.  It could be the same patronizing dynamic, where she is in charge and is making all the decisions, and you are complying. A little bit like the parent-child dynamic.

This would be in line with what you said here: “Also sounds like..she is allowing me to have those things now, encouraging me, giving permission.”

I am not claiming this to be true, but just saying: if this is just a nice phase, then this is what could be happening. That she is still patronizing you, only now acting like a “good” parent for a change.

And it’s not like she is forcing me or forbidding but.. discouraging. Saying things like: You won’t be painting your room this years, forget it. Next year. And I will agree to this.

Well, this is not discouraging, this is a direct order: “you won’t do it, forget it.” I mean, I guess she can’t physically stop you from painting your room if that’s what you want, but the tone of voice is pretty commanding. Like, “no, you won’t do it. I am telling you”. I am not hearing a lot of discussion, e.g. that she is giving you her opinion on why she thinks it’s a bad idea to paint your room this year. It’s more like she is telling you not to do it, and no discussion about it.

She won’t let me use the checkout, she says she only gets to use it (because I broke something one time, I don’t ever remember correctly). I am fed up with this treatment, even though now she is nicer and better.

I totally get it. Perhaps you feel that even if she is now nicer, she is still coming from this position of superiority and that she knows better and should be making decisions for you?

If so, it might be an abusive relationship. That’s why the real question is: do you feel respected, or you feel looked down at? Does she see you as an equal, or as a child whom she sees inferior and deserving of ridicule? If there is no respect there, then it’s not a healthy relationship.

You are experiencing gaslighting and emotional and verbal abusive and an unequal power dynamic where she has all the control over you. That’s why it’s abusive. You deserve someone who communicates in a healthy manner with you. You can’t fix an abuser’s actions. You can’t. You just gotta get out and love yourself enough to start over.

Dear Caroline,

She did seem distant but I am not sure if offended.. Maybe a bit afraid to offend me, I think. She once joked (as she is used do) and tried to make it seem innocent. Honestly I don’t know what to think.. She wanted to go shopping together but I said I don’t want to. She was surprised but did not say anything. But she was silent.

Some people use silent treatment when they are offended. Did her stance seem like silent treatment? Like she is punishing you for expressing discontent?

No, I havent been mocking her. Some time ago when I said she was rude she said something like “You should learn to talk back”.. But I don’t want to. I cannot really be like that, and I also don’t want to have such relationship where we behave as if we were 8 year old siblings.

Yeah, that’s totally understandable. Mocking and teasing the person you like, like in elementary school. I mean, some playful teasing is okay, but you said she has this mocking attitude and treats you like you’re inferior. If she doesn’t really respect you, that’s a big problem.

Perhaps she is afraid to show vulnerability, so the only way to connect is via mocking and playing tough. But that’s not a healthy relationship. She would need to be willing to change that.

That would mean I will be more..separate from her. Most things we do is what she wants to do. Even the fact we sit at home, don’t go to restaurants, cinema it’s because she doesn’t like it. So if I want to do things I like it means we will be separate from each other more often. I feel like there is no ME in this relationship. I became HER. We play board games, listen to her favorite music (not anymore but we used to, not long ago).

So if you would to assert yourself and say “I want to go to watch this movie – do you want to come?”, what do you think her reaction would be? To mock you for your choice of movie and shut down the idea?

I think this is my biggest problem. I do not have autonomy. I become the other person. I think I am a bit scared…of not being someone else, of being my own. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel like this is what is happening here. I think being separate will break us up because I need her approval, I am scared of doing something she doesn’t like, of having life that she does not like, approve, does not want to go into. I prefer becoming someone else than risking her not approving my hobbies, lifestyle etc.

Okay, so you haven’t really tried to assert yourself and express your own preferences (about hobbies, lifestyle, music etc), for fear of rejection? Or you did express yourself but were mocked, and so you stopped?

This is exactly what she does, probably. Just the sound of whatever I am saying, the question mark at the end, me sounding not sure – makes her automatically disagreeing because my idea does not sound good. Because I say it with doubt already. It’s how I communicate. Not being sure about everything.

Right. You’re communicating uncertainty probably because you’re afraid of being criticized and/or rejected. If so, it’s like a preventive action: you seem uncertain maybe even when you actually know what you want, but are afraid to express it. Does this ring true?

I will be practicing this so that I would stop asking her all the time and seeking approval.

Yes, try expressing your preference without fear. If you can’t, then you’d need to work on this fear of rejection. You may ask yourself: what if she doesn’t approve my choice/my preference? What does it say about me? Maybe you have a false belief about yourself that if she doesn’t approve your preference, you are bad or unworthy, or something to that effect. So perhaps a false belief is running the show is preventing you from asserting yourself.

Tee, do you think it can be automatic reaction? As I see it, I seem like a child to her, unsure, with doubts and she automatically shuts down my silly ideas. Or does she command me. Or is it both.

I can’t tell as of yet, Caroline. The way she is treating you is not right, that’s for sure. I don’t know if she is willing to change once you assert yourself. But what would need to happen first is that you assert yourself. That you’re not afraid to express your opinion or your preferences. And to set some boundaries about how you want to be communicated with.

If she is willing to change her attitude and start showing you more respect, then good. If she is giving you silent treatment and becomes more distant and offended, that’s not a good sign. But you’d need to first have respect for yourself, and one of the ways to do it is start expressing your preferences without fear.

So maybe you can practice expressing your preferences assertively. You can practice in front of the mirror. Pick one preference, e.g. “I like xy performer”, or “I like this type of music.” And see how it feels to say it out loud, imagining that you’re telling it to her.

If it feels scary, it’s your inner child who is scared. In that case, the first thing – before even trying to assert yourself – is to strengthen your adult self. You can list all of your adult achievements (e.g. you have a job, you earn salary, you have various responsibilities at your work place, you’re renting your own flat, you have various skills and talents, etc). So write down your strengths and skills on a piece of paper, and use that to boost your adult self.

Does this sound doable?