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My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help.

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  • August 29, 2015 at 4:32 pm #82574
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I just heard something from a family member who I was so close to while I was talking to them on the phone. After I heard what she said my heart just broke. I feel betrayed, hurt, and numb. I feel like I have no one left in my family who cares for me the way they showed or told me. At least any that I am close to. I will go into more detail later, but if anyone could help me that would be greatly appreciated.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    August 30, 2015 at 8:16 am #82582
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi there,

    It’s me again. I am back following a power failure, no electricity, second day (generator on). I read your last post on the other thread and this short one. what happened with this other relative?
    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    August 31, 2015 at 12:50 am #82609
    TheDaydreamer
    Participant

    I am sorry you’re hurting so much. Can you elaborate on what happened? Of course only if you feel comfortable doing so. Families can be a tricky thing. It’s the people closest to our hearts that can disappoint us the most. Let yourself grieve, and feel anything you want to be feeling. After the first “shock” is over, try and see it from their side. Did you have expectations that can not really be met by anyone? Can you see your family members as human beings that have flaws and make mistakes, without the intention of hurting you?

    I hope I could somehow help you and wishing you good luck!

    All the best
    Helen

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    August 31, 2015 at 10:49 am #82628
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita, Its ok, but did you reply to the other one? Helen, and Anita, it was my grandmother who said something that just tore my heart out. She is a Christian and is really strong with the belief that being gay is a sin and it will send you to hell. She told me she heard that I was going to break up with my girlfriend, but what she heard isn’t true. But she said that it is a good thing if I do leave her because God isn’t ok with it and I will go to hell for choosing to be with a girl. She says she loves me and that she wants to see me in heaven someday. She said her church wants everyone to tell their children and grandchildren this to save them. But it just really hurt me because I know she is against it, along with my father and almost all of my family. But my grandmother and I are really close and she doesn’t know that I am a lesbian and that me being with a girl isn’t a choice for me. Its who I am. I want to tell her so badly, but I am afraid she will reject me and want nothing to do with me. I’m sure its just a fear but I know her heart hurts knowing I am with a girl. Its just really hard. I know that family and all people are human and they all have flaws. I forgive people who are close to me or who hurt me, but its really hard for me since I grew up seeing my grandmother every weekend. Thanks Anita and Helen.

    August 31, 2015 at 2:29 pm #82631
    Anonymous
    Guest

    So you are saying that your grandmother expressed her opinion about gay people not knowing you are gay? And you want to tell her that you are gay but are afraid of her rejection of you?

    You just came out a little while ago, with your father for one. Coming out is a process and it takes time. You are still in that process. It cannot be easy and I for one, from your posts, think you are doing very well with it, especially considering your age.

    Did you tell your grandmother? Does she otherwise know? If so, how did she react? Is she really worried about you going to hell? Does she not know that according to Christianity straight people go to hell for not believing in christ? If you do not believe in the Christian tenets, has she been worried already?

    About her love for you- will it be lost, is that your concern?

    There is nothing wrong with you being homosexual/ gay. There is nothing at all wrong with you for being attracted to the same sex. You deserve respect and love as much as you would if you were straight. Not more and not less. Now, whomever doesn’t believe it, let it be their problem. This is where I see the place of militant gay politics: don’t apologize for being gay. Build this strength inside you that says: I am gay. If you can’t love me or won’t love me because of it, well, bye.

    And if she still loves you and doesn’t try to change you then love her all the way. Hey, you are not trying to change her, do you?

    anita

    September 1, 2015 at 2:34 am #82652
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi there,

    I’m not on here often but I came across your post and wanted to respond. My belief is that if a friend or family member won’t accept your true identity than they should be cut out of your life completely, as it’s not healthy or in the best interest of your emotional well being. Nobody should EVER have to keep their soul prisoner in order to make anyone happy (family/friend) or be in fear of being rejected. Just because you’re related by blood doesn’t mean anything and certainly doesn’t make them your family! Acceptance, deep love and understanding does. It is your birth right to be true to the real identity that is inside. Suppressing your sexual identity can cause severe depression, anguish, suicidal thoughts and broken romantic relationships as the fear also causes all those symptoms, fear destroys any romantic potential in its path. That being said, suppressing your true sexual identity to please society, religion or family members is not loving & valuing yourself, never forget that your complete happiness is #1 and ALWAYS comes first before pleasing others. If your family TRULY loves you like a real family should, they will love and accept you as you are, unconditionally. They will not change or persuade your thoughts with their religious beliefs if they care about your happiness. People that deeply love you and deeply care about you will tell you that all they want for you is to see you happy and that also means accepting you being a lesbian too.

    Always stand up for yourself and be true to your identity to your family. Nobody should ever have to fear being rejected or live a miserable life because their BEAUTIFUL SOUL is prisoner to suppression in order to feel accepted. Love begins with loving yourself, when you accept yourself as you are inside & out without needing the approval of others. I wish the best for you and that you will stand your ground and be true to yourself and to others around you, wether that’s your family or friends.

    You deserve to live a life of pure real happiness. Make that priority and you will see your life change for the better, mentally and spiritually all your symptoms of depression will go away once you free your soul from the prison you created because you were told all your life that religion is #1 – WRONG! Your happiness is and will ALWAYS be #1 and that means freeing your soul from the prison/surpression it has been in all these years.

    I send you a lot of love, hugs, warmth and light your way. <3 May you begin to live your life with an abundant amount of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for yourself and for the woman you decide to be with or marry someday.

    Namaste~

    Elle Tinker

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    September 1, 2015 at 10:48 am #82666
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita, No I haven’t called and told her yet, but my mom knows and she told me I should tell her because she would never mean to hurt me. But yes I am afraid that she will reject me for who I am and I know she will love me always, but I am afraid she might not talk to me. I will only find out when I do tell her though. She knew about the first girl I dated and said the same sort of thing, but unless my mother told her I am gay, I don’t think she knows. I am going to call her today and let her know. A friend of mine told me to tell her in person so she can see that I am serious about it. I cant though, because I live in a different state than her and I cant drive down and see her anytime soon. So calling her is the best thing I can do at the moment. From what she says and believes she is very afraid of me going to hell, and she knows that I went to church all the time and then I quit and that’s why she is disappointed. I don’t read the Bible like the Christian person should. So to her I think she believes that I am not a Christian. Although I am not too sure what she thinks exactly. Yes she knows that anyone who doesn’t believe in him will go to hell, and I think she might think that I don’t believe in him anymore. But I stand strong in my faith with him. I believe that he loves everyone. If he dislikes gays so much why does he make people born that way?? I don’t think he would create someone that way if he doesn’t like them. And no I am not trying to change her. I just want her to understand. If I didn’t make sense on some of this, please let me know so I can clarify. Thanks.

    Elletinker, Thanks for replying. Everything that you said I agree with and it is what I have been doing all my life. I have suffered with depression ever since I was growing up and now and then I still do. I am starting now to stop hiding things. It will take time, but each and everyday I became happier than the day before. Thanks so much for your support. And I have found the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I do want to marry her someday ^-^

    September 1, 2015 at 12:02 pm #82667
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You wrote: “I am afraid that she will reject me for who I am and I know she will love me always.” What is love if not accepting the loved one unconditionally? A little love? A love IF?

    You wrote that god wouldn’t create gay people if he didn’t like them. Well, if you read the bible and if you believe it was all inspired by god, then it READS that being homosexual is an abomination. And it reads a lot of other things, the good, the bad and the ugly, all there in the bible. But seeing things for what they are, it says it there, in the bible. I mean, it is there.

    Please post after you talk to your grandmother, best wishes to you!
    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    September 1, 2015 at 12:30 pm #82669
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I don’t read the Bible, but I have in the past and I know it says that. But I believe that God made some people differently. They don’t choose their sexuality. I have heard that people are born gay straight or bisexual. I believe that to be true. and I feel that I was one of those he made differently. If I am wrong I am sorry. This is just what I believe. I will do that and thanks.

    September 1, 2015 at 12:33 pm #82670
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also I wrote: “I am afraid that she will reject me for who I am and I know she will love me always.” And you asked “What is love if not accepting the loved one unconditionally? A little love? A love IF?” Well I don’t really have an answer to that I don’t know if there is an answer. I don’t know maybe if she cant accept me for who I am when I tell her than maybe she doesn’t really truly love me?

    September 1, 2015 at 12:41 pm #82671
    Anonymous
    Guest

    All I am saying is IF you believe in god and IF you believe that the bible was all inspired by that god then god hates homosexuals. It says so. I am talking about integrity of thinking. Picking and choosing what to believe in and how to (mis) interpret the bible is not congruent with honest, accurate thinking if you believe it was all inspired by god. If you believe god loves homosexuals then it cannot be the same god that inspired the part of the bible that says what it says.

    Looking forward to your post after you talk to your grandmother… it is probably not a good idea to talk to her on the phone today. I would write her a letter instead and make a copy for yourself. In the letter you can invite her to write to you back or call you. I think calling her is not a good idea. If you choose the letter option you can put all of you in it, it will be more honest and complete on your part-

    anita

    September 1, 2015 at 1:07 pm #82672
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I understand what you are saying. But I don’t read the Bible and I believe that god loves all people. From what you are saying that is probably not true. so maybe I will end up in hell??? But I was born this way. I agree with what you said about writing my grandma a letter instead of calling her. I think I am going to do that. Thanks for your advice on that.

    September 1, 2015 at 3:14 pm #82679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    No, NO! You are NOT going to end up in hell. No- no- no! There is no hell except the experience here on earth- hellish ENOUGH for most. No more bible talk from me. For now.

    You are welcome.
    anita

    September 1, 2015 at 8:49 pm #82696
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Ok and its ok thanks. I know very well what it says but I still believe that god loves everyone. But thanks Anita. But I have a question, you don’t have to go into any detail but do you believe in the bible? I got my grandma’s address and I am going to write her a letter about what she said made me feel and that me being a lesbian isn’t a choice. And I will tell her that I love her but if she cant accept it than I will be hurt but I will love her anyway. But not to expect me to talk to her as much or at all anymore. I am thinking about writing a letter to my father as well, he knows I am dating a girl but he doesn’t know I am a lesbian. And I will continue telling people and be strong as I can be to not tear me down if I lose family and friends. Because I have my girl and right now that’s what is keeping me going.

    September 3, 2015 at 7:03 am #82762
    TheDaydreamer
    Participant

    I can’t agree with Anita. Actually from all I know, it states nowhere in the Bible that being gay is a sin. And even if…That book is too old and dusty to be taken serious. My humble opinion 😉 Life is so much bigger than this.

    As far as your grandma: If you want to tell her, because you want her to know it, tell her. Don’t care about her reaction. She might say you’re going to hell, she might say she hates you for it, but you were honest to her and yourself. If you can’t live with that, then keep it to yourself. Not everyone in your life is going to have a big enough heart and worldview to understand and accept that you being gay does not change the kind of person you are. You are great, beautiful and smart – no matter what gender you love. You LOVE someone, that is huge! That’s fugxing amazing. Celebrate that. Enjoy and feed on that love and don’t let people drag you down.

    I hope you’re doing well!
    Much love
    Helen

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