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my husband and my mother relationship

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #156654
    Love100%
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m so glad I found this space to share my feelings. I have been married for 13 years. I was 21 when I got married. my husband and I love each other, we have gone through ups and downs in our relationship but always chosen to stick together and growth from any situation.

    However, now I feel that we are testing our willingness to feel compassion from each other.

    My mother has always been very demanding of me. She is a wonderful woman but she is never happy. She has never been grateful; she might be ok for a while and then she is depressed again. So I had always tried to help her, communicate with her, but nothing works.

    I know that it was very immature of me to think that i could help her to be happy.

    All these issues have affected the relationship between her and my husband, but nothing to be alarmed of until know that I have a baby.

    They can’t stand each other. Neither one is trying to make things work and I ‘m stuck in the middle.

    I talked to my husband but I always  get the same complaints , ” your mother has always imposed everything on us, she does not let things to flow, she wants whatever she wants now, if not she gets mad….” on the other side my mom playing being a victim.

    last sunday we went to a family reunion that I haven’t been in any for a year( first year of my baby) and we had to leave because my husband got mad because my mother was taking pictures of us (nonstop) and wanting to help me with everything, and my husband told her we are changing the baby ourselve and she acted like she did not hear anything and went to the room with us.

    I put myself on both sizes trying no to rush things and hoping that time will fix all these. I love both of them and don’t want to hurt anyone but I should not been feeling like these since this is out of my hands to control anyone ‘s behaiviors but I don’t want their relationship to keep deteriorating.

    if someone can advise me how to feel at least in peace with all these .

    Thank you.

    #156672
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Love100%:

    My advice to you is to choose your husband over your mother. Reason: you wrote, “I had always tried to help her, communicate with her, but nothing works. This is 0% success of all your efforts over your lifetime. On the other hand, you had good success following your efforts with your husband, “we have gone through ups and downs in our relationship but always chosen to stick together and growth from any situation”-

    And so, why put more efforts where you had no success for so long, and neglect the person with whom you did have success?

    Besides, your mother is wrong and your husband is right. Stand by the person who is right and not by the person who is wrong.

    Your husband needs your support. You owe him that support.

    I believe that your job is not to be neutral, not when the well being of your husband and child and your own is dependent on you taking the side of your chosen family (husband and child).

    anita

    #156674
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Love…

    Welcome to Tiny Buddha. It is truly an amazing gift.

    I can easily sense your frustration. I absolutely agree with Anita. It is very unfair to have you play referee. When you have tried so hard to be instrumental in making things work out better, with a 100% fail rate, I truly believe it has been time, more so now, for you to support your husband, child, family. How does your mother behave toward both of you, when “she might be ok for a while?” It is reasonable to consider her depression as a large part of the problem. I do not know if there is a history of her getting professional help, her being antagonistic, with what I suspect, is a hostile, perhaps verbally abusive reaction. Love I think the rules should change in that you no longer need to be referee when your efforts have not been embraced. You will still have your mother and whatever connection you may have with her, like a history of happy memories. Moving on will allow you to give more of yourself to your family, and NOBODY has the right to tip the balance of your family. Please do let us know how you are doing…

    Pearce Hawk

    #156702
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Love100%,

    You have to set boundaries with your mother. First of all, your DH married you, not your mother. Don’t force them or have them be in the same room as each other. They are like territorial cats now.

    My suggestion is to see your mother once a month and talk to her no more than once a week, and then for only, say, fifteen minutes. And don’t communicate via technology/cell phones at all.

    She may chafe at the boundaries. Say, “Every first Sunday of the month (or whenever) I’m all yours.” She may want to come over or have you guys go over to her. Say, “I’m/We’re busy. See you in X weeks!”

    Tell her truthfully that it’s more peaceful when she and your DH are separated.

    Your priorities are now: Child, Husband, and Mother distant third.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #156704
    Love100%
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Pearce!

    when I said ” she might be ok” I mean she is not overreacting at everything . for example, if I told her that I would be busy and I can’t welcome her today at my house , she is ok with that. I have to accept that she manipulates me, but I’m working on breaking the habit of feeling guilty when she is not feeling well because things that happened between us.

    Yesterday was one of those days that she was telling me that she feels that visiting me once a week is not enough and that is because my husband. I just told her that she can choose to see things different but not she wants more of the same…so that is what she gets more of the same problems and that this issue has not been going on for a year, it has been there always but I was not brave enough to stop her but now she has to calm down and accept that I have a family . She was in shocked.

    at this point I have never again talk about this problems with her to my husband. if he asked me I would say not she is doing ok, we are fine now.

    I don’t know ,  she does not wake up.

    thank you

    #156706
    Love100%
    Participant

    thank you for your advise. Love

    #156710
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    You are very welcome 🙂

    #156768
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Love100%:

    You are welcome. A few comments regarding your two posts:

    A child naturally feels guilty when a parent is unhappy, distressed. As if the child is the cause and it is her job to fix what she has done wrong (make the mother unhappy). Many adult children keep believing the same thing they believed as children. Keep reminding yourself the truth: you did not cause her unhappiness. It was never your job to fix it, neither is it possible (as you found out).

    Your husband’s complaint that your mother is imposing, that she”wants whatever she wants now, if not she gets mad” is congruent with your statements that she “has always been very demanding of me” and that “she manipulates me”. Her message: my way or I get mad at you! is manipulative, demanding, unloving.

    It was your husband’s right to not have her in the room, changing his baby, during the family reunion. She ignored him and came into the room. Her behavior there was clearly disrespectful to your husband.

    You wrote: “I put myself on both sides”- please put yourself on the loving side. Your user name is Love 100%- I believe the 100% should go to the loving side. If you put yourself on the side of the unloving side, the manipulative, demanding, playing victim side, and accommodate that side, you are harming the loving side, causing anger and resentment there. The latter is not loving at all.

    anita

     

     

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