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My husband betrayed me

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  • April 18, 2017 at 4:53 am #145643
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kashi,

    This we know for sure: He has been communicating off and on with at least one of the girls for over twenty years. What we don’t know for sure: Did he sleep with her/them?

    I don’t envy your position.

    I would chalk it up to an irritating, chronic annoyance if indeed nothing happened. It would be a shame to end a long marriage over something so trivial.

    But he doesn’t seem the type to just drop things or end them. If the girls (now full grown women who are probably bored and know better) reach out to him, he WILL respond.

    All I can say is: “What an idiot he’s being!”

    Best,

    Inky

     

    April 18, 2017 at 6:38 am #145647
    Kashi
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thanks for the respond and your input. I do not know whether I am overreacting … I feel so rejected and humiliated when I think of that. I do not want to pose myself as an Ideal woman but this is the fact that I come from a royal family and that was one of the reason my family was not happy for me to get married with my husband. I am very very highly qualified (More than my husband) I have an outstanding working career. Winner of a reputed beauty pageant, very good cook, an artist , good interior designer, …. you name it and I have that quality .This was the reason my husband fall in love with me admire me that I am a complete woman. On top of that I left all luxuries and my family for him. That was the time when I wanted more support from him and he was after those girls and writing love letters. Those loving words, emotions he shared with other girls , I had the right on them. If I believe him , that he only kissed and hugged her don’t you think anyone can it without any emotions?  why did he called her in a room? He could sit in the hotel lobby or cafe.  He proposed her as well.  After so many arguments  and requests he kept meeting , calling and writing to them. He can not call just A MISTAKE to a 7 years relationship , it was not a mistake , it was a decision.  When he knew that I am handling his Facebook and it is easy for me to find out  the facts , even then he kept denying that he ever touched that girl. He accepted when I told him the details of his meeting and has no option to admit. I feel guilty, what was my mistake? He has a business and travel all around the world , who knows what he has been doing for last so many years? I only want him to confess everything he did , I do not want that after sometimes again I find something and then again he says… Ah it was my foolishness. I cry when he touches me. I hate myself when he kisses me because I cannot tolerate  that those lips and hands have given the pleasure to someone else…Gosh Am I crazy?

    April 18, 2017 at 6:54 am #145651
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again Kashi,

    Even if he came from another royal family or if you were born a regular person, this kind of stuff does happen. It just stings more when there is such a class difference. You were doing him a HUGE favor marrying him. I do believe “Rich people should marry rich people”. They understand each other better. When you married him (and you did NOT have to!) that was your CHOICE! You did NOT need him, you wanted him! You CHOSE him!

    Now, here’s the flip side: Men don’t like when they feel like you don’t need them. Of course, that makes them want you more, but that’s another post. So him cavorting (innocently or not) with these girls is HIS way (subconsciously or consciously) of becoming equal. SOMEONE might need him, admire him. It could also be deep rooted anger. “Who does she think she is, a Princess? Oh, right, she is one. (Somehow I am still so angry!)”

    I know of a regular guy (real geeky, but very charming) who married a literal princess. It didn’t work out. But then, sometimes it wouldn’t anyway.

    We DON’T know what REALLY happened. Maybe nothing. That’s the torment though. Perhaps take a break??

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    April 18, 2017 at 7:44 am #145661
    Kashi
    Participant

    Thanks again Inky,

    Anyone will think the way you are thinking because I just mentioned about the whatever the qualities I have. Believe me or not except I am born in a royal family & looks  (which were by birth not by choice) all the qualities or skills I developed after I met him, I developed those skills because he wanted a girl like that , first I developed the skills and then I said yes to him to marry . Our love story was very different, I was his choice and I needed  him so it was other way round.  He is the one who always told me that he must have done something gr8 in past that he got a woman like me. I was always used to argue with ladies that when husbands ditches his wife, there is something wrong in wife that she was not doing enough for him …. but now I ask myself … I ask him what was my fault? Was there anything I was doing wrong? He says , nothing wrong in you . No one can find a wife like you ..It was only my foolishness.   But these words he said in past also . Once a liar always a liar. My Psychologist says it is hard to forget betrayal  it will take time… I do not know how much time?

    April 18, 2017 at 8:09 am #145667
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    You wrote: “I come from a royal family… I am very very highly qualified (More than my husband) I have an outstanding working career. Winner of a reputed beauty pageant, very good cook, an artist , good interior designer, …. you name it and I have that quality … On top of that I left all luxuries and my family for him.”

    Well, you royally fought with him a whole lot, before marrying him: “I found those girls letters… and we had a fight”. After marrying him and before you got pregnant: “… I found that he is still in touch with them…  Again we had a fight”. After you got pregnant: “After a long interrogation he said he met them accidentally… and we had a big fight again”. Throughout the marriage: “Our married life was like a roller coaster sometimes very good and happy moments sometimes big fights. I always used to loose my temper and throwing things on him”.

    You used to lose your temper and throw “things on him”- you mean household items like dishes, pots and pans?

    anita

     

     

    April 18, 2017 at 8:28 am #145671
    Kashi
    Participant

    No Anita, no pans or dishes. Just Pillows , cushions even the bed sheets . Psychologist said , it’s all normal but will take time. She also asked my husband to talk to me when I ask questions , answer them honestly. I loose temper only when he avoids discussion.

    April 18, 2017 at 9:16 am #145677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    Pillows is better than pots and pans, definitely. Time to give up on what does NOT work. Fighting with him didn’t get you the desired results; interrogations did not. These may be “normal” like your psychologist said, but these behaviors have proven to be ineffective.

    If you have told your husband again and again how superior you are to him, that he owes you for your sacrifice of your royal status so to be with him, that is ineffective as well. Because as you see, royal or not, we are all humans who feel what we feel and none of us owns the right to another’s feelings (unlike what you wrote: “emotions he shared with other girls , I had the right on them”)

    We feel what we feel. No one has the right to our feelings. You do have the right to his behavior (not to contact/ meet with other women), not to his feelings

    As to your husband communicating and meeting with these teenagers who are now in their forties or so, that is too bad. Clearly he made a promise to you and broke it. And clearly he lied to you.

    You asked: “If I believe him , that he only kissed and hugged her don’t you think anyone can it without any emotions?  why did he called her in a room?”- my answer: people do feel, so I don’t think he kissed and hugged her or called her to his room without any emotions. What emotions were they? Perhaps a physical attraction, a curiosity, a desire to be entertained. Maybe being flattered by a woman looking up to him, as someone important.  Probably not a deep love.

    anita

    April 18, 2017 at 10:49 am #145693
    Inky
    Participant

    I agree, it’s not like he would leave you for these girls. It sounds more like a flight of fancy that keeps occasionally coming back. The reward system in our brain is activated by random reoccurrences.

    April 18, 2017 at 2:31 pm #145733
    Kashi
    Participant

    Dear Anita, yes he says the same thing that there were no emotions but then why did he proposed to her with a ring? Let me also clear one thing to you that I never ever said to my husband that I am superior than him. None of even my closed friend know what is going on between two of us. Every one think that we are an ideal couple and made for each other. He has a good reputation among family and friends because I always give him a good respect and praise him in front of others. I said all those things here to get the answer What a man can ask for ? There are so many other things which I did not mention about myself but my husband always admire me for those things. One more things I want to mention over here that during our relationship there were two more girls,  he tried his luck on. Still he get very close to some of my friends who are separated or divorced. Even my boys have told him”Dad you should know your limits ” So don’t you think why it’s hard for me to forgive. .

     

    April 18, 2017 at 8:12 pm #145759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    Oh, I understand why you mentioned your qualifications as a wife, on this thread: “to get the answer What a man can ask for ?”.

    I am so sorry, Kashi, sorry that your husband has pursued other women in any capacity during your long marriage. There are men who go after women while married not because their wife is not good enough: they want to have fun with someone NEW, DIFFERENT, not BETTER.

    It is not much different from a person having the same dinner every night, fillet mignon, let’s say, an expensive cut of meat. But after two weeks of it, the person may get chicken wings, an inexpensive meat, because it is different, not better.

    Husbands who do pursue women for fun, don’t intend to leave their wives and they insist that they love their wives. In their minds they are only having some fun.

    Reads to me that this is your case. I wish it wasn’t.

    anita

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