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My husband betrayed me

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  • This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • April 17, 2017 at 8:52 pm #145617
    Kashi
    Participant

    I am married with my husband for last 25 years have 3 grown up boys. I knew my husband for last 38 years. We had our courtship for about 6 years. We got married after so many hurdles from our family side but I stood firm and loyal to my love husband. Before my marriage. I found that my husband in touch with two teenage girls whom he met during business trip. He was writing letters to them (both girls were friends to each other)  He was writing to those girls very frequently exchanging birthday and other cards. To protect them from their family he was using some female name so that their parents see female name on the envelop. My husband mentioned to me that during a trip two girls were after me  and asked my postal address (As no mobile were there at that time) but I did not give. One day I found those girls letters and cards in my husband’s cupboard and we had a fight , as we were not married at that time , I told my husband that if he wants those girls I will leave and will not marry him. He said sorry and swear to God, me, his dad and mom that he will not contact them again.

    We got married , and then I found that he is still in touch with them even met them in our city while those girls on a Uni trip . Again we had a fight. I got pregnant. When I was 4 months pregnant he went to the same city in which the girls were living. It was  an official trip . I begged and told him not to contact those girls he said no he will not. When he comes back I asked if he met to those girls? After a long interrogation he said he met them accidentally on a road, which I did not believe and we had a big fight again. After that Our married life was like a roller coaster sometimes very good and happy moments sometimes big fights. I always used to loose my temper and throwing things on him. After 7-8 years of marriage he was better, little caring etc. Though I could not forget that he was flirting with two young girls while in relationship with me when I was very honest , over caring and have a extra loving attitude towards him and left my home and family for him because they we against our marriage. There were also 2-3 small incidents of flirting by him were caught while he was in relationship with me but I ignored because the girls did not give any lift and he had no option to stepped back. Whole of my life I could not fully trust him. I got busy with Kids and my career.

    Three years ego, one of those two girls contacted him on facebook wished him on his birthday, he did reply without asking who is she (because girl was not in his facebook friend list so message came as message request) I also his facebook message on his mobile while he was away. I knew the name of the girl , though I never saw her photo before ,her 2nd name was different as she was married I saw her city and could make out who is she. My husband pretended that he did not recognize because it’s a 22 years old story. I knew my husband’ facebook password, so I changed his login email and facebook password . Had a chat with that girl as my husband and I pretended that I did not recognize her. To recall she told me everything How they met , started writing letters and my husband’s last visit to them , which was well planed not an accidental meeting.

    I spoke to my husband about that. Why he went to meet after our marriage when I was accepting our first baby. Was there anything more than that? why did you lie that it was a 5 minutes meeting on a road?  After long fights and many questions he just said , no it was my childishness , I was not serious nothing was between us , no emotional attachment, I never ever even shake hands with any of those girls. I told him if you will lie , I will leave you. He again sewer to God event to children that he was foolish and it was his mistake to contact them again and again.

    I told him that his facebook account is with me and I am in contact with that girl, if you will lie I will not forgive you. He said he has already told me the truth now there is nothing else to hide. The girls are in our home country Sri Lanka and we are in different country now the girl in not very frequent user of social media and from conservative family does not talk to me much as she is worried if husband will find out something fishy. Recently I came to know about that while on the trip to their city my husband called one of the girl to his hotel room and proposed her. I asked again to my husband that I know few more things , if he confesses what he has done I might forgive but I do not want any lie. Again we had fights, we ended up sitting in front  of the lawyer for divorce. He then said yes he called the girl in the room, and only gave a friendly hug and kiss. where in our culture at that time boys never used to hug or kiss the girls and taking them to the hotel room. Even today it is not that common.

    Now I do not believe him and thing it was more than that. He says he only loved me , in past it was only a foolishness and childishness . We have visited to counsellor also because I am trying to forgive, but asking him to tell everything. Now he is saying there nothing happened more than that and there was no emotional attachment with her. Is it possible that if someone writing letters for 6-7 years meeting and contacting them after stopping and begging so many times and there was no emotional attachment. I came to know that in meeting , girl told him that she recently got engaged can not meet or write him anymore.

    I am going thru so much of stress 2 days I am ok, suddenly I start thinking about them and again I fight with him to tell me the truth. Please suggest what should I do? Should I trust him?

     

    April 18, 2017 at 4:53 am #145643
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kashi,

    This we know for sure: He has been communicating off and on with at least one of the girls for over twenty years. What we don’t know for sure: Did he sleep with her/them?

    I don’t envy your position.

    I would chalk it up to an irritating, chronic annoyance if indeed nothing happened. It would be a shame to end a long marriage over something so trivial.

    But he doesn’t seem the type to just drop things or end them. If the girls (now full grown women who are probably bored and know better) reach out to him, he WILL respond.

    All I can say is: “What an idiot he’s being!”

    Best,

    Inky

     

    April 18, 2017 at 6:38 am #145647
    Kashi
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thanks for the respond and your input. I do not know whether I am overreacting … I feel so rejected and humiliated when I think of that. I do not want to pose myself as an Ideal woman but this is the fact that I come from a royal family and that was one of the reason my family was not happy for me to get married with my husband. I am very very highly qualified (More than my husband) I have an outstanding working career. Winner of a reputed beauty pageant, very good cook, an artist , good interior designer, …. you name it and I have that quality .This was the reason my husband fall in love with me admire me that I am a complete woman. On top of that I left all luxuries and my family for him. That was the time when I wanted more support from him and he was after those girls and writing love letters. Those loving words, emotions he shared with other girls , I had the right on them. If I believe him , that he only kissed and hugged her don’t you think anyone can it without any emotions?  why did he called her in a room? He could sit in the hotel lobby or cafe.  He proposed her as well.  After so many arguments  and requests he kept meeting , calling and writing to them. He can not call just A MISTAKE to a 7 years relationship , it was not a mistake , it was a decision.  When he knew that I am handling his Facebook and it is easy for me to find out  the facts , even then he kept denying that he ever touched that girl. He accepted when I told him the details of his meeting and has no option to admit. I feel guilty, what was my mistake? He has a business and travel all around the world , who knows what he has been doing for last so many years? I only want him to confess everything he did , I do not want that after sometimes again I find something and then again he says… Ah it was my foolishness. I cry when he touches me. I hate myself when he kisses me because I cannot tolerate  that those lips and hands have given the pleasure to someone else…Gosh Am I crazy?

    April 18, 2017 at 6:54 am #145651
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again Kashi,

    Even if he came from another royal family or if you were born a regular person, this kind of stuff does happen. It just stings more when there is such a class difference. You were doing him a HUGE favor marrying him. I do believe “Rich people should marry rich people”. They understand each other better. When you married him (and you did NOT have to!) that was your CHOICE! You did NOT need him, you wanted him! You CHOSE him!

    Now, here’s the flip side: Men don’t like when they feel like you don’t need them. Of course, that makes them want you more, but that’s another post. So him cavorting (innocently or not) with these girls is HIS way (subconsciously or consciously) of becoming equal. SOMEONE might need him, admire him. It could also be deep rooted anger. “Who does she think she is, a Princess? Oh, right, she is one. (Somehow I am still so angry!)”

    I know of a regular guy (real geeky, but very charming) who married a literal princess. It didn’t work out. But then, sometimes it wouldn’t anyway.

    We DON’T know what REALLY happened. Maybe nothing. That’s the torment though. Perhaps take a break??

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.
    April 18, 2017 at 7:44 am #145661
    Kashi
    Participant

    Thanks again Inky,

    Anyone will think the way you are thinking because I just mentioned about the whatever the qualities I have. Believe me or not except I am born in a royal family & looks  (which were by birth not by choice) all the qualities or skills I developed after I met him, I developed those skills because he wanted a girl like that , first I developed the skills and then I said yes to him to marry . Our love story was very different, I was his choice and I needed  him so it was other way round.  He is the one who always told me that he must have done something gr8 in past that he got a woman like me. I was always used to argue with ladies that when husbands ditches his wife, there is something wrong in wife that she was not doing enough for him …. but now I ask myself … I ask him what was my fault? Was there anything I was doing wrong? He says , nothing wrong in you . No one can find a wife like you ..It was only my foolishness.   But these words he said in past also . Once a liar always a liar. My Psychologist says it is hard to forget betrayal  it will take time… I do not know how much time?

    April 18, 2017 at 8:09 am #145667
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    You wrote: “I come from a royal family… I am very very highly qualified (More than my husband) I have an outstanding working career. Winner of a reputed beauty pageant, very good cook, an artist , good interior designer, …. you name it and I have that quality … On top of that I left all luxuries and my family for him.”

    Well, you royally fought with him a whole lot, before marrying him: “I found those girls letters… and we had a fight”. After marrying him and before you got pregnant: “… I found that he is still in touch with them…  Again we had a fight”. After you got pregnant: “After a long interrogation he said he met them accidentally… and we had a big fight again”. Throughout the marriage: “Our married life was like a roller coaster sometimes very good and happy moments sometimes big fights. I always used to loose my temper and throwing things on him”.

    You used to lose your temper and throw “things on him”- you mean household items like dishes, pots and pans?

    anita

     

     

    April 18, 2017 at 8:28 am #145671
    Kashi
    Participant

    No Anita, no pans or dishes. Just Pillows , cushions even the bed sheets . Psychologist said , it’s all normal but will take time. She also asked my husband to talk to me when I ask questions , answer them honestly. I loose temper only when he avoids discussion.

    April 18, 2017 at 9:16 am #145677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    Pillows is better than pots and pans, definitely. Time to give up on what does NOT work. Fighting with him didn’t get you the desired results; interrogations did not. These may be “normal” like your psychologist said, but these behaviors have proven to be ineffective.

    If you have told your husband again and again how superior you are to him, that he owes you for your sacrifice of your royal status so to be with him, that is ineffective as well. Because as you see, royal or not, we are all humans who feel what we feel and none of us owns the right to another’s feelings (unlike what you wrote: “emotions he shared with other girls , I had the right on them”)

    We feel what we feel. No one has the right to our feelings. You do have the right to his behavior (not to contact/ meet with other women), not to his feelings

    As to your husband communicating and meeting with these teenagers who are now in their forties or so, that is too bad. Clearly he made a promise to you and broke it. And clearly he lied to you.

    You asked: “If I believe him , that he only kissed and hugged her don’t you think anyone can it without any emotions?  why did he called her in a room?”- my answer: people do feel, so I don’t think he kissed and hugged her or called her to his room without any emotions. What emotions were they? Perhaps a physical attraction, a curiosity, a desire to be entertained. Maybe being flattered by a woman looking up to him, as someone important.  Probably not a deep love.

    anita

    April 18, 2017 at 10:49 am #145693
    Inky
    Participant

    I agree, it’s not like he would leave you for these girls. It sounds more like a flight of fancy that keeps occasionally coming back. The reward system in our brain is activated by random reoccurrences.

    April 18, 2017 at 2:31 pm #145733
    Kashi
    Participant

    Dear Anita, yes he says the same thing that there were no emotions but then why did he proposed to her with a ring? Let me also clear one thing to you that I never ever said to my husband that I am superior than him. None of even my closed friend know what is going on between two of us. Every one think that we are an ideal couple and made for each other. He has a good reputation among family and friends because I always give him a good respect and praise him in front of others. I said all those things here to get the answer What a man can ask for ? There are so many other things which I did not mention about myself but my husband always admire me for those things. One more things I want to mention over here that during our relationship there were two more girls,  he tried his luck on. Still he get very close to some of my friends who are separated or divorced. Even my boys have told him”Dad you should know your limits ” So don’t you think why it’s hard for me to forgive. .

     

    April 18, 2017 at 8:12 pm #145759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kashi:

    Oh, I understand why you mentioned your qualifications as a wife, on this thread: “to get the answer What a man can ask for ?”.

    I am so sorry, Kashi, sorry that your husband has pursued other women in any capacity during your long marriage. There are men who go after women while married not because their wife is not good enough: they want to have fun with someone NEW, DIFFERENT, not BETTER.

    It is not much different from a person having the same dinner every night, fillet mignon, let’s say, an expensive cut of meat. But after two weeks of it, the person may get chicken wings, an inexpensive meat, because it is different, not better.

    Husbands who do pursue women for fun, don’t intend to leave their wives and they insist that they love their wives. In their minds they are only having some fun.

    Reads to me that this is your case. I wish it wasn’t.

    anita

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