August 9, 2018 at 12:01 am #220787
I wrote about my younger brother in my last post but I didn't go into detail. I wasn't sure if I should have written about what happened to him since it is very serious, but I am writing this post now because I need help. I want to help him I just don't know how. Basically, my brother has no friends anymore. He used to have a ton. Girls, guys, any age. He was a very popular kid in school until about a month ago. He is 14 years old and very immature which may be a part of why he has made some very bad choices. One of those bad choices involved filming a girl changing in the bathroom of a party. I assume he did this to impress his friends, and it worked because a lot of his friends sent the video around. Yes, I am well aware of how unacceptable this is. I don't know what I would have done if I were the girl in this situation. I would have been mortified and every action she has taken against those involved has been rightful. I think my brother has a lot of learning to do as he doesn't fully understand right from wrong. It was really hard for me to believe my brother was the one behind this incident as I am decently close with him. My best description of my brother is that he is really funny, very social, fun to be around… but he is very directionless in life. Which is fine because he is only 14, but it also means most of his goals/decisions revolve around his friends. This is why I truly believe he did this to impress his friends without fully understanding the extent of his actions.
The thing is, he has no friends anymore. He has been labeled as a horrible person by everyone in my town. Not only my town, but my friends from other school districts know about what happened. People from all over my area are saying things like “I hate (my brother's name)” … people who I never knew existed. This breaks my heart because my brother isn't a horrible person. What he did to this girl is horrible, yes. But is it wrong for me to sympathize with him? He is only 14… and 18 year old seniors from schools that are 30 minutes away claim they hate him. It is just so hard for me to wrap my head around. Well, with the hate spreading towards my brother, his friends have left. I don't know if the friends just don't care to be associated with someone who is talked down on, or if their parents do not let them hang out with him anymore. Either way, my once “life of the party” brother now sits in his room all day. I am just so confused about this situation… why did all his friends leave him if they were completely in on it and sent it around? If they were true friends… why wouldn't they tell him to delete the video and advise him that this was wrong? Why isn't anyone paying attention to the fact that he is 14 and doesn't deserve this much hate? Is all this deserved because of what he did?
Any sort of advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm tired of watching my brother become more and more depressed as the days go on. Yes, a part of me believes that this will help him learn not to do it again. But another part of me thinks that this is simply too much to handle. Ultimately, it was my brother's fault. I completely understand that But I think another mistake of his was choosing to hangout with the wrong crowd. Please help 🙁 I am not trying to defend his actions, I am simply trying to understand what drove him to do something like this. And based on everything I know about him, this is my conclusion. I don't know what to do. Is it justified for me to be angry at the strangers who claim they hate him? I just want to scream at them saying they don't actually know him.
One more thing to add, my mom has lost a lot of her friends as well. She hung out with a lot of my brother's friends' moms. Now, most of them don't speak to her either and I can hear her crying sometimes. I just want to point out that I don't believe any of this is my moms fault. Maybe if she was more strict with my brother, this wouldn't have happened. But my other brother along with myself never got in any trouble during our high school years, so my mom probably wasn't expecting this. I don't think it is her fault, so it crushes me to see her getting left alone because of it.August 9, 2018 at 4:55 am #220823
You wrote regarding your 14 year old brother: “I am not trying to defend his actions, I am simply trying to understand what drove him to do something like this”. I will try to help you understand by asking you the following two questions. Following your answers we can continue to communicate for the purpose of better understanding:
1. Is your 14 year old brother the same brother you shared about April 15: “In middle school my younger brother used to get in fights with kids on our street. Older kids would gang up on him… one of the kids who would fight my younger brother was older than me”?
2. In your April thread, three months before the incident, you wrote about your mother: “She would complain about how none of the other moms like her…. I can see other moms being rude to my mom… I constantly felt like everyone disliked my family”
In this thread you wrote: “my mom has lost a lot of her friends as well. She hung out with a lot of my brother's friends' moms. Now, most of them don't speak to her either and I can hear her crying”
Are the friends your mother lost the same other moms who disliked her and were rude to her?
August 9, 2018 at 7:29 am #220857
- This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by anita.
1. Yes that is the same brother. My brother would get into small fights but I assume it is because the kids were not good kids. Based on what I know about the story, my brother called one of the kids fat and they got angry. I am sure other things went on that caused them to hate my brother. Also, the time period for that was more like elementary school for my brother, I'm not sure why I said middle school. (It happened when I was 11 years old and and he is 4 years younger than me so that means he was 7 years old). That happened when he was 7 years old and the other kids were 10, 11, and 12 years old. Personally, it shocks me that my brother was only 7 years old when he was beat up by middle schoolers. I can't imagine what he said or did to cause that.
2. No, these are different moms. The moms at our old town (we used to live in a different state) would do this to her. The people there were just naturally very cold and distant. In my new town, everyone is very outgoing and warm. The m0ms that my mom was friends with were all very kind and they would all go out for lunch often.August 9, 2018 at 7:42 am #220861
Isn't it time for your brother to attend psychotherapy with a capable therapist with experience treating young teenagers? I can't think of a better time.
anitaAugust 10, 2018 at 9:36 am #221021
in a time of #metoo, on the one hand I am glad that people are not like “well this is nothing”. But due to social media obviously he got much more attention than he would have gotten say 15 years ago, and the backlash sounds extremly severe. For a fourteen year old boy, this might well feel like the end not only of his social like, but of his life in general. I am glad that you are wondering how to help your brother, and I hope you are also willing to take action.
In another thread you wrote ” Neither of my parents have been around to guide me or my siblings”. What was your parents reaction to this situation, aside from your mother crying because now she as well is isolated? What attitude did she and your father show towards your brother? Did they talk about the situation at all with you or your brother?
And I know this is difficult, but did you talk with your brother about this? Ask him what happened in his view, if he understand why it was not okay what he did? Without judging, just hearing his side of the story?