Hi Jennifer,

Firstly, I empathize with your situation.  My father has Alzheimer’s disease and is in the last weeks, if not days of his life.  His change in status was extremely sudden – he was mobile and coherent several weeks ago and is now permanently bed-bound.  I am in a full time graduate program and have personally made the choice to extend my time in the program to spend time caring and being with my father and family during his final days.  The choice was not simple nor straightforward.  The emotions are contradictory and complex at time.

Relationships with parents are unique and complex.  Have you asked your mother about her wishes?  I ask you that question not so her answer is your answer, but to perhaps help separate what her wishes are from what yours are.  Are her wishes contradictory to yours?

Finally, I would like to refer back to my personal (ongoing) experience with my father when I say this – you can always change your mind.  It seems that your mother’s illness, although terminal, is currently well managed.  I speak from experience when I say that I know the fear of the known unknown can be overwhelming.  Know this though, if you decide to leave, you can always choose to come back if her health declines.  And know that if that moment comes, you will make the choice that is right for you.

Best to you,

Dai

Dear Jennifer:

Welcome back. As I often express in these forums, we are not guilty for what we think or feel as we don’t choose these things. Choice is in our behavior, in what we choose to do, not in what we think or feel.

You wrote that you feel “as though I’m waiting for her to die for me to live”- my mother wasn’t sick the way your mother is, but I can relate to your statement. I wanted to live, to be free, but having her in my life (before I finally ended all contact) was such a misery, such an entrapment, that I wanted desperately to be free.

I hope you post again, anytime, that you express your thoughts and feelings comfortably here.

anita

Jennifer,

First of all I wish your mother and family ease and wellness during this difficult time.

I am a volunteer for the Death Cafe (www.deathcafe.com), which is an international group of volunteers who facilitate conversations around death.  Almost everyone who talks about their loved ones death is their regret for wanting to do more.  A particular guilt is not being there when they pass.

I like what Inky says.  Did you have a conversation with your mother on what you wrote here?  As a parent, I know that I wish for my children to live a full and wonderful life, that I would not be a burden to them, that I would rather have them fly than hold them down.  That is the parent’s love.

As for being the offspring of two parents I saw die, both died without me there.  I was there with them many times before they passed.  I don’t feel guilty because they know how much I loved them and told them many times.  I am not you.

I cannot tell you what you should do.  If you do go and let go of your resentment and your mother dies when you were away, you may very well feel guilty.  Having mixed emotions is common.

Have that conversation with your mother.

Take care,

Mark

Dear Jennifer,

Nice to know you have been able to talk with your mom.

Anticipatory grieving – grieving about a loss that has not yet occurred, fear of not doing right – a fear that may not be well rooted, unreasonable expectations – expectations that are not based on limits of acceptability or fairness.

You have your “enemies” so well spelt out.

Your allies in this battle – every moment in the present, doing what feels right in the moment, basing expectations on current reality and abilities.

Wish you the very best and hope you win this “battle”

Prayers