August 1, 2019 at 1:48 pm #306133
How did I end up here again so soon? Am I an emotional masochist?
So 2019 has been a year of heartbreaks for me and a year of whirlwind emotions. I’m enjoying myself and I’m meeting great people but I just keep ending up in the same place of heartbroken pain.
Never have I went through three breakups in a single calendar year but I can’t seem to help myself.
First, there was the long term ex (I did not post about that here).
Then there was the short-lived investment banker for whom I really developed feelings for and mourned for a month.
After the second breakup, I told myself enough is enough. I’m not going to let myself to feel this sort of pain again. Not this year at least.
Then last month only a short four weeks ago this guy walked into my life totally unexpected. I met him because I broke my rule of asking what a man was looking for before the first date.
I went on the date. I learned that he was a masters student yes, but was a summer exchange masters student only here for a short while. He told me that he wanted to move here so that made me feel ok but on the 2nd and 3rd date we talked about this more and I learned that his moving here probably will not happen for some time.
I wanted physical intimacy and I like him. I like how sweet he is with me. I feel like a teenager running around in some forbidden affair. I liked my banker a lot, but with this man, it went even a step further. When we touch, when we kiss I feel the electricity. I haven’t felt chemistry and passion like this in years. Weeks later the spark is still there every time I see him. I want to touch him constantly I want to kiss him endlessly. We are that sickening couple that is all over each other 24/7. His hand always in mine.
I thought it was just me, but he brought it up one night.
“The night we first kissed I felt a spark in my head I can’t explain it. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way home. I feel this thing in my head every time we kiss still.”
I feel it too.
I thought I would just be intimate with him. Get my needs filled and remain ok this time. But it’s not that way I really like him a lot and I am sad again. He is still here for 12 days but today it hit me that he will be gone soon. I have cried on and off. I don’t want it to end.
Why is bad timing always the story of my life? Every person I have felt good chemistry with was always in the wrong place and time.
I thought I could be mature enough to enter something that I knew would end. I don’t regret it. I have had nothing but happiness for these past four weeks. I connected with someone like I haven’t in so long. I enjoy his company and I’m glad that I met him. Nothing lasts forever but why does he have to leave so soon?
It feels so unfair.
He might find a job here. He deff has the education and background to make it in but he doesn’t want to find a job right away. And it may not be anytime soon.
I asked him what would happen if he comes back and his response was:
“Well, first I have to be back, which may not happen for some time.”
He lives halfway around the world.
When we discussed this on the 3rd date I think that we mutually agreed that this relationship comes with an end date and it didn’t make sense to be open-ended. That was on our 3rd date. Now we have had 12 dates.
I feel like I like him enough to be open-ended, but I don’t expect him to change his mind. I wish that he would feel differently by now but it would be irresponsible for me to think that way. I don’t want it to end but I am accepting it.
I will try to enjoy the short time that we have left.
The hard part of this is letting myself feel and knowing that I will feel sad when he leaves.
I do find some solace that we expect to keep in touch so that he will not fully be out of my life.
How do I get past worrying about the impending departure, and feeling sad? How do I just live in the now and enjoy the short amount of time we have left?August 1, 2019 at 2:13 pm #306143
Welcome back. I would like to read your recent post and reply to it tomorrow morning when I feel focused again, that would be in about 16 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back.
anitaAugust 1, 2019 at 3:54 pm #306151
How do you get past and live in the now? Now that is an age old spiritual question. To practice being in the present moment is a a life long practice. To meditate and to be mindful are tools to do that. It is a practice. Catching yourself in the worry and then coming back to the present is a practice. Go forth and meditate. Go forth and find a spiritual practice that does mindfulness. Go find a community that supports that.
And are you an emotional masochist? My take on your story is that you are a courageous woman who is willing to put yourself out there to find someone to be with who can enrich your life, who can delight you, who can show you the emotional and sexual possibilities in your life. That may be a temporary thing or more a long term thing but that’s the risk to explore and grow. It’s all about finding your way to happiness. There are no guarantees or formula for this. True, it requires self-awareness and learning from your past experiences so work on that.
In the meantime, enjoy your life and relationship!
MarkAugust 1, 2019 at 4:28 pm #306157
Thank You Mark.
You make it sound so easy.
I am happy but also so sad right now. (I wasn’t sad until today). Again I don’t regret that I got to meet a wonderful person. I am thankful for every moment that we have had. It just feels so unfair that he is going away so soon.
I find myself rationalizing with myself how this can somehow work out. After writing here I sent him a message asking if we had to totally uproot it. Not pause life but keep it casually open meet somewhere in the world perhaps, or I can see what it is like on his side of the world. He responded that we should think about it with a smile.
I have accomplished nothing today because I can’t stop obsessing over the future which is not real and I have no way of knowing what it holds for me.
I will try to bring myself into the present every time I slip into those thoughts. Besides, I don’t want it to just be me that is worried about him leaving. It would feel nice if he reciprocated in wanting this to somehow work out. Which I guess he has in his own expectation that we will keep in touch. He just seems to be so much better at living in the present than me.
Mark, I know that you admire me, but I have separation anxiety and don’t know why I do this to myself. I understand that nothing is forever but I think if I’m honest with myself I prefer the unknown. It is such a catch 22 I don’t want short term but I don’t want to deprive myself of wonderful moments as I had with him out of fear of heartache and fear of the future. When iI’mold and senile I will enjoy remembering that FIRST kiss we shared and made me smile all night 🙂
Why does everything that makes us feel good to seem to have a cost of some emotional pain?
Thank you for your response.August 1, 2019 at 4:59 pm #306159
Being in the present moment is something only a very, very, very, very few can be and not all the time. It is a *practice* which means we need to keep going back to it… all the time.
Good for you to be self-aware in knowing that you have separation anxiety. And you are self-aware enough to recognize that you both have share such intimate and wonderful times together. For me, I have a small emotional range so I don’t feel the deep pain AND the soaring joy in life. The price you pay is it seems that you do. The good thing is that you experience the joy.
I do know that in order to get through pain and suffering is to sit with it. Not to push it away. To meditate on the emotions. To be mindful about it. To notice where in the body it physically shows up. To stay with the painful feeling about it. And let it be without judgment. It is difficult and really painful but it’s good practice in being totally with yourself.
MarkAugust 1, 2019 at 6:18 pm #306161
Yes, I understand.
I have been holding this in. I told him my fears and I think we are going to talk about what we are going to do. We are both not closed. We both accept that we don’t know the future which comes with infinite possibilities so we are just going to go with it and see where life takes us. I told him that I want to go to his side of the world in November and he was happy. Writing here gave me the courage to tell him how I was feeling. While I’m happy that I know I will see him again if even only briefly I’m still feeling anxious about losing him in the capacity that I have him now.
It just feels unfair.
I will accept the pain and sit through it. This is so many times this year. It never feels easier.August 2, 2019 at 8:29 am #306207
On the second and third date you found out that he will be leaving soon and is not likely to return to the US anytime soon. At about that time, you had an electric, passionate experience with him, “When we touch, when we kiss I feel the electricity. I haven’t felt chemistry and passion like this in years”.
“I have separation anxiety… I prefer the unknown.. I don’t want short term but I don’t want to deprive myself of wonderful moments.. out of fear of heartache and fear of the future”-
Maybe the reason for the unusual experience of electricity, chemistry and passion is that you knew that he will be in the country only for a short while so you were temporarily free of the long-term-anxiety. But then you do want the long term, fear it and want it.
anitaAugust 2, 2019 at 9:52 am #306229
Well I think it goes past knowing he is here for a short term. We really do have a ton in common and just get along so well. I do not come across that often. I come across many people passing through because I live in a big city. I don’t connect with those people in this same way. I do think he is extra compatible with me.
The issue is enjoying the short time we have left. We have just met and he has friends from his exchange class so while we have now 11 days left that really means I only have 3-4x left with him. Time is fleeting and it’s hard for me to enjoy what is left of it.August 2, 2019 at 10:02 am #306231
I understand, the two of you connected very well, unusual for you.
“I wish that he would feel differently by now but it would be irresponsible for me to think that way”- are you angry at him for not feeling differently by now, that is, for not changing his plans to leave soon without definite plans to reunite with you?
anitaAugust 2, 2019 at 11:17 am #306273
I am not angry with him. I don’t know where his mind is which is why we will talk about it next time we are together. All I know is that we are taking things as they come and he wants to stay in touch when he leaves.
I am just sad because I don’t want him to go and a little angry at myself for entering a relationship that I knew would be short because then I have to be sad. As I said, I think that I prefer the unknown.
I like him a lot and wish he was not leaving.August 2, 2019 at 11:31 am #306281
I understand why you are sad. You had a wonderful time with him, magical almost, of course you don’t want it to end. It is natural to want more of a very pleasurable experience.
“I prefer the unknown”- I don’t know what you mean in that statement. Do you want to explain it to me?
anitaAugust 2, 2019 at 11:42 am #306287
I prefer to not know when something is going to end.August 2, 2019 at 12:39 pm #306317
What if it doesn’t end at all, a relationship, that is. Can you imagine that, a lifetime love relationship?
anitaAugust 9, 2019 at 11:19 pm #307395
I think that would be nice if I am every lucky enough. I haven’t posted here because I have been enjoying him. We decided to spend every evening together this week since he is leaving on Monday.
I feel slightly better knowing that we both have decided that we will meet again in a few months. He has decided to not make me travel so far and will come to my side of the world. Still, I have no idea what will happen and am sad but there is nothing that I can do. He wants to find a job here. That is his goal but it will take time. Lucky he has a very specific background and is very smart. He is just finishing his MBA in a global top school so I guess I’ll just have to embrace the unknown and keep going.
I don’t feel as bad as when I first wrote this post. I think the panic that I had last week also helped me accept it somehow.August 10, 2019 at 6:54 am #307403
Feelings don’t stay the same. “the panic that (you) had last week” is gone (at the time you posted last), and you feel sad and accepting of his leaving this coming Monday. As the day progresses, as Sunday arrives, your feelings will change somewhat. Then Monday, after he leaves, there will be anxious times, hopeful times, maybe numb I-don’t-care-times, maybe. Expect that you will not feel the same, expect changes, and when they happen, notice and say to yourself: bad feelings don’t kill, however unpleasant. And there are things I can do to feel better (ex., taking a walk, listening to music).
You are welcome to post here anytime and I will be glad to read and reply to you.