July 16, 2019 at 12:39 am #303527
Ive grown up in a broken home, my older sister had a lot of problems with drugs and violence. My parents would always fight, my dad was violent. I saw a lot of things that probably scarred me, but because my sister was always the main focus, I didn’t feel whole. i never felt close enought to my family because i didn’t tell them
How i felt. I felt like there was no time or space for that, and i had to be strong for them. I am
the youngest at home. I found out later that i have trouble connecting with people, they might feel like They are my good friend, but i just don’t feel understood and loved the same. Like I’m
Friends with them and words come Out of my mouth, we do stuff together, but i don’t feel like its real. Like im an actor in a big play. Sometimes is better ofcourse and sometimes i feel completely alone.
I also have this problem with romantic relationships. I told myself I’m ugly and nobody likes me, but i don’t like anyone else anyway.
Ijust wanted one friend, a best friend. Probably because i never felt like I belonged. Ireached out to so many people desperately, friends and boyfriends. But i felt empty, i never felt that connected.
It made me feel hopeless and my parents had a very nasty split when i was 15, I turned 26 a few days ago. I don’t see my parents that much, my dad had a lot of remorse but he was not very intelligent. He would call me everyday telling me all the bad things in his life after the split. I soaked it all up like a sponge, I couldn’t tell him to stop because i felt so bad for him.
We get along now and i love my parents,
but i feel distant.
It all got better when i met my best friend at someones boring birthday party six years ago
I got on my bike and went to the event, because otherwise i had nothing to do anyway. I didn’t really feel like i had real friends there. Me and her when we spoke, We clicked instantly, the next week we met up and we where inseparable since.
I loved her more than life itself. She understood me without words, i felt at home and like i belonged with her. She said she felt the same way. We always chose eachother over everything. We had so many good times, and throughout the bad times we always hurt together and got through it. When i was with her always something crazy would happen, and we did the most funny things. We moved together to a big city, lived together. We would always joke that if al our relationships kept failing, we would marry eachoter. She lived in a boring small town like me, and together we would travel and meet so many new people together.
Over the years I started doing better, and she was getting worse. Struggling with depression, addiction and borderline me and her many other friends felt hopeless. She had a chronic thyroid disease and occasionally got blood cloths in her leg. I wanted to help her so badly, but other than being there for her, cooking and cleaning, what
could i do. She choose the wrong men, spend al her money on stuff she didn’t need, blew her exams. Last year She got raped, and he got away with it. I was so angry, because we all loved her and she deserved a good life.
Over the past few weeks she seemed to improve. Making plans, cleaning her house by herself. She booked a holiday together with me for next month. She sent me the details last week and i would have picked her up at the airport. She adopted a fat cat on year ago that she loved dearly, she wouldn’t even let him alone for a day. So her parents would be looking after after Him. Thursday was the one year mark she had her pet and she made this Facebook post that she loved that thic cat so much.
Friday she won tickets to her favorite party, and she passed her final exams. She called me overjoyed. She made plans with people to go places, and was always hanging on the phone with people. She called me that she made a mends with er ex boyfriend and they where getting back together. She was happy, and told me life was finally smiling to her.
Saturday night I had a nightmare that she was dead, and I woke up in a panic. I shrugged it off, its me Being paranoid and i sent her a message. She did not reply, she must be busy.
she killed herself after doing groceries that day She hung herself. And i just cannot fucking get over it. She was the only person i needed, called and longed to see. I live abroad and missed her dearly, i counted the days i would see her again.
She left no note, no cues of what might have happened. The police didn’t find any signs of struggle, she didn’t use, wasn’t touched. No phone calls or messages. Ive known her for 7 years, from day one we where in friendship love. Its just not like her, who books a holiday, does groceries, puts her food in the fridge and then hangs herself?
Her neighbor found her, and I’m now flying back to see her one last time. >I feel like i can never get past this, and i would like to join her. She saved my life but I couldn’t save hers. If only i knew what happened. I know people don’t tell when they make these kind of plans, but nothing adds up. Nobody of our friends have the puzzle pieces. Ifeel like the hole in my heart is back. And I still expect her to greet me at the door tonight.
I want to talk to a psychologist, even before this happened i wanted and needed to. But I need to be in my own country for that. I am working abroad and I have nothing at home. I only had her. I don’t really know what the point of this message is, I just want to forget everything.
any advice would be very helpful, thank you.July 16, 2019 at 7:54 am #303545
I am sorry for your loss of a close friend.
“she seemed to improve. Making plans, cleaning her house by herself. She booked a holiday with me for next month. She sent me the details last week… She called me overjoyed. She made plans with people to go places.. she made amends with her ex boyfriend and they were getting back together. She was happy, and told me life was finally smiling to her…who books a holiday, does groceries, puts her food in the frig and then hangs herself?”
– it is not easy to hope, for a person otherwise depressed and defeated, to hold all that excitement in for long, to look forward to a better life. It can be overwhelming to endure that optimistic excitement, it can get too much. There is a saying: all in moderation. Even excitement has to be in moderation.
People get overwhelmed with emotions and excitement of any kind, be it fear or anger or that optimistic looking forward excitement, these can not be endured for long, a person needs down time.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaJuly 16, 2019 at 8:31 am #303553
The point of your message is that you have written all this stuff down and have, in some small way, released it instead of bottling it all up. This person has been a very close and good friend to you and the feeling you have of wanting to join her is a very common one. People who are suicidal are not in a logical frame of mind and she suffered from depression and addictions as well as having been raped. Who knows what tipped the balance for her that day? I don’t think anyone will ever make any sense out of it. She just decided she didn’t want to live any more. It’s the choice she made.
You have a grieving process to go through. You are still in the initial stages of shock and disbelief. This will take time for you to come to terms with. She will always have played a very important part in your life. You will always have special memories of her. They will be with you forever. You can always keep her in your heart.
As this friendship was so special to you, it might be beneficial for you to seek bereavement counselling if and when you are able to.
Come back to me if you need to.
PeggyJuly 16, 2019 at 8:58 am #303567
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend!
Is it possible for someone to look into her computer search history? In her calendar? Phone texts? Journal? Etc.??
I know that would be a huge invasion of privacy, but that might give SOME clue or closure for everyone.
Maybe she was so overwhelmed by emotions. Even positive one like excitement can flip into extreme anxiety.
Maybe she did everything she ever wanted to do in life and there was nothing else to do now.
Maybe she got a fatal diagnosis.
Maybe she fought with her ex.
We just don’t know. What we do know is that you utterly loved her friend, and you did everything you could for her. At the end of our lives (and all our lives will inevitably end), what else is there but the love? Love is the ultimate reality. In a strange way, your relationship with your friend WILL continue, even after death.
All the Best,