Ive grown up in a broken home, my older sister had a lot of problems with drugs and violence. My parents would always fight, my dad was violent. I saw a lot of things that probably scarred me, but because my sister was always the main focus, I didn’t feel whole. i never felt close enought to my family because i didn’t tell them
How i felt. I felt like there was no time or space for that, and i had to be strong for them. I am

the youngest at home. I found out later that i have trouble connecting with people, they might feel like They are my good friend, but i just don’t feel understood and loved the same. Like I’m
Friends with them and words come Out of my mouth, we do stuff together, but i don’t feel like its real. Like im an actor in a big play. Sometimes is better ofcourse and sometimes i feel completely alone.

I also have this problem with romantic relationships. I told myself I’m ugly and nobody likes me, but i don’t like anyone else anyway.

Ijust wanted one friend, a best friend. Probably because i never felt like I belonged. Ireached out to so many people desperately, friends and boyfriends. But i felt empty, i never felt that connected.

It made me feel hopeless and my parents had a very nasty split when i was 15, I turned 26 a few days ago. I don’t see my parents that much, my dad had a lot of remorse but he was not very intelligent. He would call me everyday telling me all the bad things in his life after the split. I soaked it all up like a sponge, I couldn’t tell him to stop because i felt so bad for him.

We get along now and i love my parents,

but i feel distant.

It all got better when i met my best friend at someones boring birthday party six years ago

I got on my bike and went to the event, because otherwise i had nothing to do anyway. I didn’t really feel like i had real friends there. Me and her when we spoke, We clicked instantly, the next week we met up and we where inseparable since.

I loved her more than life itself. She understood me without words, i felt at home and like i belonged with her. She said she felt the same way. We always chose eachother over everything. We had so many good times, and throughout the bad times we always hurt together and got through it. When i was with her always something crazy would happen, and we did the most funny things. We moved together to a big city, lived together. We would always joke that if al our relationships kept failing, we would marry eachoter. She lived in a boring small town like me, and together we would travel and meet so many new people together.

Over the years I started doing better, and she was getting worse. Struggling with depression, addiction and borderline me and her many other friends felt hopeless. She had a chronic thyroid disease and occasionally got blood cloths in her leg. I wanted to help her so badly, but other than being there for her, cooking and cleaning, what

could i do. She choose the wrong men, spend al her money on stuff she didn’t need, blew her exams. Last year She got raped, and he got away with it. I was so angry, because we all loved her and she deserved a good life.

Over the past few weeks she seemed to improve. Making plans, cleaning her house by herself. She booked a holiday together with me for next month. She sent me the details last week and i would have picked her up at the airport. She adopted a fat cat on year ago that she loved dearly, she wouldn’t even let him alone for a day. So her parents would be looking after after Him. Thursday was the one year mark she had her pet and she made this Facebook post that she loved that thic cat so much.

Friday she won tickets to her favorite party, and she passed her final exams. She called me overjoyed. She made plans with people to go places, and was always hanging on the phone with people. She called me that she made a mends with er ex boyfriend and they where getting back together. She was happy, and told me life was finally smiling to her.

Saturday night I had a nightmare that she was dead, and I woke up in a panic. I shrugged it off, its me Being paranoid and i sent her a message. She did not reply, she must be busy.

she killed herself after doing groceries that day She hung herself. And i just cannot fucking get over it. She was the only person i needed, called and longed to see. I live abroad and missed her dearly, i counted the days i would see her again.

She left no note, no cues of what might have happened. The police didn’t find any signs of struggle, she didn’t use, wasn’t touched. No phone calls or messages. Ive known her for 7 years, from day one we where in friendship love. Its just not like her, who books a holiday, does groceries, puts her food in the fridge and then hangs herself?

Her neighbor found her, and I’m now flying back to see her one last time. >I feel like i can never get past this, and i would like to join her. She saved my life but I couldn’t save hers. If only i knew what happened. I know people don’t tell when they make these kind of plans, but nothing adds up. Nobody of our friends have the puzzle pieces. Ifeel like the hole in my heart is back. And I still expect her to greet me at the door tonight.

I want to talk to a psychologist, even before this happened i wanted and needed to. But I need to be in my own country for that. I am working abroad and I have nothing at home. I only had her. I don’t really know what the point of this message is, I just want to forget everything.

any advice would be very helpful, thank you.

• This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Alisa.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Alisa.