Hi,

It’s so ironic that I would stumble on to your post tonight.  I’m a 46 year old woman and I also have a narcissistic mother / family members.  I’ve decided to walk away.  This decision is currently causing me anxiety and depression.  But in reading your story – I realized that this is not just happening to me.  And I want you to know that this is not just happening to you.  You have to give yourself the care and concern that you’ve given your mother.  You have to put yourself first. Your dreams, emotions, heart, pain matters and is real.  You have a responsibility to you – your beautiful self to say – I am going to heal myself.  It doesn’t make you a bad person or a selfish person.  Taking care of you does not mean that you don’t love your mom.  Start saying – “no”.  Start some self-care.  Get some therapy.  Do this for YOU!  And while I’m imploring you to do this for you – I’m going to do it for myself too.  And I’m not going to worry about what anyone thinks about it.  You’ve got this!  I’ve got this!

Hi Winterfront89,

I mean the fact in itself that you are able to acknowledge that your mother has narcissistic personality disorder is amazing in itself so well done! That’s the first and probably the hardest step done..

(My partner of nearly four years also has a narcissistic mother and even a quick mention of this sends him absolutely through the roof! He is in complete denial and how dare anyone speak of his mother in this way when she is an absolute saint?!)

The next step would be to exercise some healthy boundaries. Know that your mother may react in extreme ways to this as it is not something that she is used to (not getting her way). Remember that you don’t have to leave her, you don’t have to walk away, but to continue a relationship you’re going to have to put some boundaries in place. In this, you will be able to focus on your personal development whilst not neglecting your ‘responsibilities’ to your mother..

The thing with narcissistic mothers and their children is that the idea of ‘you have children to raise them and then let them go’ is non existent. The ongoing expectation for your world to revolve around your parents (or mother in this instance) is going to remain forever and as hard as it is it is entirely down to you to break that cycle.

It is normal for grown up’s to have their own life, to make their own decisions, not based on the likes of their parents, to seek their own experiences etc.

It may not be an easy ride but I genuinely wish you all the best on this journey!

Dear winterfront89:

You wrote about your mother: “I learned how to make her happy when she was sad”- but there was no one there to notice that you were sad, no  one to make you happy.

“I learned how to help her when she needed help”- no one there to help you.

“I learned to ease her suffering and pain”- no one there to notice your suffering and pain and to ease it.

“I learned how to understand her needs and how to meet them”- no one to notice that you have needs and to meet them.

“I learned her heart and understood her in a way that no one else did”- no  one learned your heart, no one understood you.

It is not a surprise then, that this girl grew up to be a 30 year old woman writing this: “I really have no idea who I am inside. I feel empty. I feel like I am completely out of touch with my heart. I feel numb inside”?

In May 2014 you gave a member here the following advice: “don’t try to escape from the reality of what happened.. Don’t run from what is. Take the time to care for yourself. After all there is only one of you… Avoiding the reality of what is, takes a toll on the heart… Apparently there is a liberation in fully accepting what is. There is a sense of calmness and peace”.

You wrote more than five years ago, above: “Avoiding the reality of what is, takes a toll  on the heart”.

You mentioned some reality today: “my mom has no idea how much I drained myself to be a caring daughter to her. I was seven when all this started. Now that I am 30 I feel so stuck I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her because she has a disability”.

My advice: leave her. She has a disability but so do  you: your heart is disabled, numb, because of her and she is not even aware of your lifetime sacrifice for her.

More than five years ago, in your post then, you wrote: “the key to accepting what is, is to completely let go of the comments in your head…  stop identifying with your internal dialogue… It’s a choice, a practice”.

To leave her, you will have to let go of the comments in your head, that you owe your mother, that you will be a bad daughter if you leave her, that you must stay until she dies, take care of her forevermore. And replace them with reality: your mother does not appreciate your sacrifice of 23 years, she will not appreciate 23 more years of the same sacrifice.

If you did let go of these comments, if you faced reality and left your mother, it will not be easy because the comments will return, the internal dialogue will continue for a long while, and so will the feeling of (unjustified) guilt.. and there will be anxiety about noticing your numb heart, unearthing what is there, experiencing the emotions you prefer not to.

anita

When you said you don’t have much education but an associates and bachelors.. I was a little thrown off. You have a great education. I am already seeing that you would benefit from working on having some self compassion & confidence.

None of us can tell you if your mother is narcissistic based on this description.

But I do want to validate you and your feelings. This is tough.

When we are children, psychologically & biologically we rely on our parents completely, they are our world. So when our parents aren’t able to provide us with the proper support, we naturally adapt to normalize the situation & validate it as “this is normal,” “what can I do to help my parents because they are my world.”

Basically, we step in to make sure our parents are happy, so that they can take care of us. Its another form of survival. Even if that means acting as caretakers for our parents. This creates enmeshed boundaries, that unfortunately many people have to work through and on, to correct throughout our adulthoods.

Honestly, I can tell you to put you & your needs first all day. But no one knows the truth but you. Your feelings are a guide.

When you work on self compassion, confidence, and self love. You will slowly start to receive answers about what it is you need to do for you, in order to have more peace in your life. Lean into that.

It’s like when people say, on a crashing plane, we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first.

I’d recommend doing something for you. Something you love, thats just for you. that no one can interrupt. For me, its hiking and meditation by the beach, i leave my phone behind, and i go off by myself with no interruptions.

The important peace here is 1) finding something you can do just for you, and 2) making a small change in your daily routine. which will bring about more small changes.