Need advice

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

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August 6, 2017 at 2:52 pm #162550

Amy
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My boyfriend and I had a 4 and a half year relationship,it was amazing until 6 months ago, we both started going downhill, i developed anxiety and depression (I’m fine now, still working on anxiety) and he’s a mess (smokes alot of marijuana). We both saw councilors and I’m in such a better place but he’s still in such a bad place with terrible people, instead of pulling myself down and being there for him and with him, I pushed him away, I feel terrible because he was always there for me through me hard times. i threw him out after he kept letting me down and sometimes not coming home from being with the lads. The reason i done this is because i asked to meet for a few minutes and he said no he doesn’t want to fight and he was going out. I thought i would feel relief from breaking up with him but I am devestated and heart broken. I feel we got lost along the way but we were still deeply in love. Have i made them right decision? Its not like were on a break I’ve deleted his account and everything to do with him to save myself going back and getting hurt all over again. Now I feel broke there will be no second chance, I’m terrified. What do I do? 🙁

August 6, 2017 at 4:54 pm #162554

Eliana
Participant

Hi Amy,

I know it hurts, you were with him a very long time. What happened is you drifted apart because due to counseling, you grew and changed and became better and he did not. He stayed stagnant. And it doesn’t seem like he wanted to grow and change with you. So now you both are going on different directions. He is still in a downward spiral, or still where he is at, while you have gotten help and matured.

Let’s say you did get back together with him? You may be happy at first, because you missed him..but in a week or so, he would still be doing the same things that led him to counseling in the first place, he would still be doing the things that made you unhappy and you would end up resentful with him, and the relationship would be stagnant. Relationships are meant to evolve, meaning both people mature, work things out and change if they want to. You did, he didn’t. Would you be happy going back to that? Would he change, because you went back to him? Would you be happy or end up being resentful because he has not changed.

Perhaps it might be best to take a break, and give him some space. Maybe it will give him some time to sort things out and decide if he wants to change, grow and get back into therapy. Right now, you need someone who is on a journey with you and equal in emotional maturity. He may not be that man anymore. Keep us posted.

August 6, 2017 at 6:14 pm #162560

Dawn R
Participant

Hi Amy,

You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to fix himself, regardless of how much you love him. All you can do is take care of Yourself. When & IF he ever decides to change and grow, you may or may not be available to resume your relationship with him. So for now, grieve the loss of the dream you once had with him. Realize that your relationship did not meet your dreams or expectations. And focus on yourself and living the life of YOUR dreams, with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. It will be difficult to let go of him. But it’s much more important to HOLD ONTO YOURSELF! Love and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve to be treated like a Queen, and not just like a servant or handmaid. Hold out for your King. It will be worth it!!

Good luck. Take Care!

Dawn R.

August 7, 2017 at 7:39 am #162652

Amy
Participant

Thank you so much for your advice it was brilliant, as usual i stayed home crying as he went out on the town. I know the most important thing now is to not contact him and to focus on me and different ways I can better my life with my time. Its such a shame this has happened and I feel crazy at times but maybe a good seperation is what I need and if I feel he’s matured and wants a life with me again, so be it, I’ll not be in a rush for another relationship. But if he doesn’t then i hope he finds someone new and is happy. I am devastated over this and i hope i can bounce back without him as he was always my rock. But that was the problem we were too close now were seperate were both lost and frustrated with everything.

August 7, 2017 at 2:56 pm #162748

Eliana
Participant

Hi Amy,

You seem like a very strong person. It’s going to be hard. Break-ups or separations are never easy. But when you start missing him or crying, think of the negative things he put you through, and your frustration. Keep posting on here if you would like for support.

August 8, 2017 at 4:25 am #162794
Inky
Participant
Hi Amy,

Everyone claims marihuana is harmless, but this is what I’ve seen from long term pot use:

Your development stops expanding and you are stuck emotionally, mentally, and psychologically at the age you started using. So let’s say he started smoking an industrial amount of pot at, say, sixteen. After four or five years you are in college, and he might be in college with you. But he is not having the same college experience. He is still rebelling (though there is nothing to rebel against), fighting with his parents, not doing basic chores, sullen, etc. You know, like a sixteen year old!

Let’s say you’re now in your twenties. Most of your friends are getting married, having careers, buying houses, etc. He is still trying to finish up school, works at the gas station, treats his hobbies like a job (is a “musician”), etc….

So YES, you grew. He hasn’t. I suggest not communicating with him until next year. You might be shocked at how far down he’s gotten since you left him. Or, sometimes you might be pleasantly surprised. He may have shed the pot and the loser friends and begun the process of catching up with you!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
August 18, 2017 at 3:36 pm #164634

Amy
Participant

Thank you for all your advice you are such kind people. And yes inky that’s is exactly how our relationship is. Started smoking at 15/16, were in mid 20s, everybody’s moving on and were wondering if we can afford to go on a 3 day holiday. I’m mad looking for work as I concentrated my college and experience time with animals and there was no work. But it seems he doesn’t want to do anything. When he tries he immediately has some tantrum about it. I know writing this he sounds awful, and not a man (which he isn’t), but we do love each other. We were always there for each other and had this amazing connection even if we were very different. But you are all right I need to concentrate on myself. I recently started going running and Starting yoga & astrology course. My councilor said the best thing is to leave him and I’m growing and happier without him but I feel like I’m missing a chunck and everything is dark when he’s not here to light up the room when he walks in. But a break is good, maybe not a break up. Thank you everyone.

August 19, 2017 at 4:24 am #164650

Amy
Participant

Just to add, we were on the break for 2 months and when we recently met for 2 dates everything was great, we got along, laughed so much, loved each other. But then people were saying I’m happier without him and he will never change. I’m angry Now because I let him go over listening to other people saying negative things because there not happy. But in the end what ever will be will be. If we were meant to be nothing will stop us reuniting at the right time or maybe we’ll move on seperately.

August 19, 2017 at 6:35 am #164656

Eliana
Participant

Hi Amy,

I don’t think, it is the case where people are “unhappy” therefore are giving you negative advice on here. I consider myself to be a happy person, and if I feel a relationship can work out, I will try to point out some possible solutions in my posts. The advice I gave you, came from my heart. Many of the advice on here was positive. You came on here asking for advice. It is up to you, and you only, to either accept or reject the advice, but please don’t “blame” well-meaning people for issues in your relationship.

August 20, 2017 at 6:41 am #164800

Amy
Participant

Eliana I didn’t mean you or anyone on this post, I meant my mother, father, friends and councillor. My mother and father have a broken relationship as they have hurt each other so much, my friends have been cheated on so hate men and my coucillor continues to tell me about his failed marriage and I could end up like that. He told me about how she cheated on him and my boyfriend could end up doing the same if unhappy. I’m better off on my own. The comments I wrote were not about you or anyone on this post only about people I know. That is why I thanked everybody on here numerous times for their goodness and understanding.

August 20, 2017 at 7:31 am #164802

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amy:

Late into your thread, I appreciate your kindness to all members who replied to you, being appreciative and gracious in your every post.

In your original post you wrote: “instead of pulling myself down and being there for him and with him, I pushed him away”- if your choice was between being pulled down, going down with him or saving yourself then the latter was the right choice for you. Your main responsibility is to protect and promote your own well-being.

On a later post you wrote that you are “devastated over this and i hope i can bounce back without him as he was always my rock”-

He was not “always (your) rock” was he? You wrote that he pulled you down, in your original post.

You wrote: “but I feel like I’m missing a chunck and everything is dark when he’s not here to light up the room when he walks in”- this is the nature of emotional attachment, that feeling of well-being in the presence of the person to whom we are attached.

On a later post you wrote: “But then people were saying I’m happier without him and he will never change. I’m angry Now because I let him go over listening to other people saying negative things because there not happy”-

People cannot predict the future, as in “he will never change”. And indeed people do project their experience into others, often enough, inaccurately. This is why it is important that you evaluate what people say and decide for yourself.

I suggest that you consider the nature of emotional attachment: people do get intensely emotionally attached to people who benefit them.. but in many cases, to people who don’t. Plenty of people are attached to abusive people. I hope you can separate this non-selective nature of emotional attachment from the evaluation of this young man as either beneficial or damaging to you. And keep in mind that your primary responsibility is to act for your benefit and protect yourself from preventable damage, or being pulled down as you called it in your original post.

anita

August 20, 2017 at 4:18 pm #164850

Eliana
Participant

Hi Amy,

Thanks☺. Sorry for any confusion on my part. Please keep us posted.
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