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Viewing 15 posts - 541 through 555 (of 870 total)
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  • August 20, 2019 at 1:20 pm #308765
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think some of the anxiety is coming from feeling rejected.  These are feelings I get from my mom.  I was reading over the other articles and Mark mentioned about thinking of the good things you bring to the table when you feel or get rejected.  I know this has to do with my mom.  K honestly has more negative qualities than positive.  I can do better.  So why don’t I DO better??

    Lindsey

    August 20, 2019 at 1:27 pm #308767
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Don’t worry about talking about K. Well he told you he sucks at everything relationship wise except for sex. Believe him. Your anxiety is feeding your obsessive thinking about him and your obsessive thinking about him is feeding your anxiety. What to do?

    Relax best you can, keep yourself calm best you can. Take deep, slow  breaths once in a while.

    Give up on the idea that there is something that he might do today, or something that you can do today that will make your anxiety about K go away. There is no Big solution, only moment by moment little things you can do  to relax.

    Every time you notice that you are thinking or wondering about K, say to yourself: it is okay to wonder about  him, but I prefer not to. And then gently shift your attention to something else. (Meaning don’t beat yourself up when you notice that you are thinking about him, don’t try hard not to).

    anita

    August 20, 2019 at 1:32 pm #308769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    I just read your recent post- yes, I think that your mother moving and not having a room for you, kicking you out of her life as suddenly as she did for one, affected you very much.

    anita

    August 21, 2019 at 8:16 am #308823
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for yesterday.  I feel like I had an anxiety hiccup.  I actually saw K  in the auditorium at work towards the end of the day and we chatted for awhile.  I know my anxiety about him and my behaviors regarding him have a pattern.  I’m a work in progress I guess.

    I wondered if you had any insight on my self-destructive behaviors.  They vary depending on what stressors are going on and how I am handling things.  It can be high (the M situation in the beginning of the year) medium (starting arguments with my mother or siblings) or just minor (reaching out to K knowing at the time he will not reach back).

    Lindsey

    August 21, 2019 at 8:49 am #308841
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are welcome. “self-destructive behaviors” is a strong term: specify your self-destructive behaviors (a short, factual description, a sentence or two for each): with M, with your mother/ siblings, and with K..?

    anita

    August 21, 2019 at 9:08 am #308845
    lindsey
    Participant

    M. – having an affair while I was basically having a nervous breakdown. I knew it was making things worse mostly my anxiety but I couldn’t see my way out.   I needed the opposite of an affair whatever that is.

    mother/siblings: calling for help when I’m very stressed out and upset.  With mother end up arguing about all the things she has done wrong or she isn’t helping by saying things to make everything worse.  I shouldn’t call her in the first place.

    K- he has issues, a mess basically (so am I) Continuing a friendship with the hope of something romantic even though I know it is a very, very bad idea.

    August 21, 2019 at 9:46 am #308855
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    My insight is that you get scared and you are looking for a solution to the fear, you want the fear to go away, to experience calm, not distress- so you reach out to people, hoping they will calm you down. You reached out to M to K, to your mother and siblings. You reach out to me as well.

    Key is to be selective as to who you reach out  to. When desperate, you’d reach out to anyone, no matter who. All desperate people do that, when desperate enough.

    So, when you are scared, or angry, or otherwise distressed, better calm yourself somewhat best you can. This is the first thing to do. Then think: who do I reach  out to?

    When you reached  out to your mother, it didn’t calm you most of the time, correct? So  better not reach out to her. When you reached out  to M and had sex with him, that didn’t work out, so better not reach out to strange men who happen to work in the same place as you do and have sex with them. You reached out to K and it partially worked  at times (ex., when he fell asleep on your lap following watching a movie, no sex). But often you are anxious because he doesn’t return your texts and doesn’t follow through with what he says, so better not reach out to him.

    On the other hand, it is quite safe to reach  out  to me, so keep doing that. In the near future I hope you find a person or two that you can reach out to in-person, visit with.

    anita

    August 21, 2019 at 10:37 am #308867
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I agree.  I do have 1 or 2 people I can turn to and I need to start doing that.   Also I have you.

    Lindsey

    August 21, 2019 at 10:39 am #308869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Yes you do, you have me, right here.

    anita

    August 22, 2019 at 7:24 am #308947
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Hope you are having a good morning.  Kind of out of the blue K asked me yesterday to do something with him tomorrow night and I said ok.  We have not decided what we are going to do.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m wondering if I should send a message to him later in a joking manner about not flaking out on me at the last minute.  This is all my anxiety. I should just sit back and relax but I know I won’t.  But I’m trying.

    Lindsey

    August 22, 2019 at 8:56 am #308953
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Well, it is not “all (your) anxiety”- it is also his record of flaking out that is in your very real-life experience with him. Tomorrow night, Friday night that is. I suppose you can message him asking what it is he wants to do.

    anita

    August 22, 2019 at 9:00 am #308955
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I think I’m just going to text later and ask him what he wants to do.  I’m also going to be direct and say something about not flaking out at the last minute.

    Lindsey

    August 22, 2019 at 9:33 am #308959
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good idea, to text him and “to be direct and say something about not flaking out”- be direct, not joking. Text something like: looking forward to tomorrow night. Any specific plans? Also, please do not flake out on me, okay?

    Something like this, use your own words, maybe you have a better way of saying it. This way, if he flakes out after you asked him not to, you will have a yet better understanding of who he is.

    anita

    August 22, 2019 at 10:39 am #308975
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    So far, so good.  Plans confirmed tomorrow night, my house, movie (I’m renting) he’s bringing food.

    Lindsey

    August 22, 2019 at 10:42 am #308977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Reads like a good plan, specific enough. Did you decide on what movie to rent or what food will be brought (not that it is necessary to do that, can keep that as a suprise)?

    anita

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