Home→Forums→Relationships→Need advice asap
- This topic has 869 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
August 30, 2019 at 2:36 pm #309797
lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes we just moved today to a different area. There are 3 teams of 9 people. We are on different teams but ended up right next to each other. I’m trying to relax a bit. Obviously my anxiety is causing me to have irrational thoughts and worries.
What is happening is every time he talks or laughs with a female coworker my brain starts telling me negative things. Also if I feel slighted for no reason by either a tone or why of talking. We have made small talk and I need to relax. I didn’t realize this was going to be hard on me emotionally.
Lindsey
August 30, 2019 at 3:10 pm #309799
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
It would have been better if he didn’t work in the same area, right next to you. Better if he didn’t work in the same building at all- although you would be bored if he didn’t?
I mean, is it boring at work, hour after hour, so many hours every day?
* Be back in about an hour.
anita
August 30, 2019 at 3:16 pm #309801lindseyParticipantAnita,
It’s ok. I’ve spoken with him. What my brain does is this: I feel slighted maybe by one small thing. Then I go to my desk and it’s like my thoughts are like ants and they just take things and build on top of build of negative thoughts that are not true. I need to find a way to stop these ants from building and building.
I am going to try and meditate if I can text time or soon after because I’ve got to get a handle on this. We are friends only, actually I don’t know if I would even term us a friends but you get the general meaning.
Lindsey
August 30, 2019 at 4:32 pm #309803AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Good descriptions, thoughts like ants, building negative thoughts on top of negative thoughts- Mindfulness is one way “to stop these ants from building and building”- the Mark Williams guided meditation series on Mindfulness is excellent. Also the Mountain Meditation, a guided meditation, you can google that.
And I think I do get the general meaning of friends with K, there is a wanting for more in the core of it, and frustration knowing how unlikely it is… and yet, still wanting more, reminds me of the saying: the heart wants what the heart wants, the heart standing for the desire for so much more.
anita
September 3, 2019 at 7:54 am #310123lindseyParticipantAnita,
I hope you had a relaxing 3 day weekend. I spent it hanging out by myself and on Saturday went out with some female friends to dinner and a movie. Sunday I saw my kids for a few hours and worked yesterday. (the overtime money is pretty good.) I was really proud of myself because yesterday I was wanting to reach out to K and I did not. I’m going to try and do a meditation before he comes into work at 10:30. I’m going to focus on my work and not talking to him as much today.
Lindsey
September 3, 2019 at 8:14 am #310127AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I had a pretty good 3 day weekend, thank you. I was wondering during the weekend, at one point about what you were doing. There were some technical difficulties in the website and I wondered if you tried to log in but couldn’t.
Well, K should arrive to work in about 20 minutes, maybe less. And he is still sitting so close to where you are that you will be able to hear what he is saying on the phone and otherwise, correct?
Well, it is an opportunity for you to practice Mindfulness, meaning: notice how you feel when he comes in and throughout the day, when you hear him talk to female co workers: heart racing a bit? Body temperature feels higher/ perspiring maybe, breathing faster or shallow? Pay attention and say the word calm (or silence, whatever word suits you) to yourself, forming the intent to calm yourself down right there-and-then, breathe deeper, slower, focus on what you are doing, typing or whatever it is. Notice thoughts rushing, like those ants you mentioned, building negative thoughts on top of negative thoughts, and again, say calm, and slow down your thinking brain, focus on the here-and-now, place your hand on the desk and focus on how it feels to touch the desk. That will ground you. Let me know how it goes, will you?
anita
September 3, 2019 at 12:16 pm #310165lindseyParticipantAnita,
Today has been ok. Initially there was the increased heart beat and butterflies in my stomach when he first got here. I just kind of went with it. I heard him talking to others, some female, and it seemed to bother me less. I went and spoke with him a little bit ago about a call I received yesterday on one of his files and made small talk. I walked over versus talk through the wall. It was fine. I guess I just need some type of internal guide for myself with him. I mean technically we are friends. From time to time he crosses over that boundary and then afterwards I get really confused and get increased anxiety.
I need to try and monitor this and work on somehow staying across the board and not up and down with my emotions. I really don’t understand his actions. And maybe even though he’s saying hey, I’m not ready to date yet, I’m not really listening? I don’t know.
Lindsey
September 3, 2019 at 12:26 pm #310171AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Good job so far! How does he cross over the friend boundary from time to time, specifically?
anita
September 3, 2019 at 1:04 pm #310179lindseyParticipantAnita,
I’m trying to remember last time. Initally about 2 weeks ago I reached out to him about the nude pics I found on my kids computer and we started texting and it moved towards talk about future possibility getting together but he stops texting that after that day. Then he never answered about my dog when I texted him a few days later. He came up to me at work and started talking a few days later, and on Wednesday texted me asking me to do something that Friday, and we know what happened then.
So I’m reading and what I realizing is I’m reaching out to. And we are both dysfunctional. But he is very up and down. I need to stop reaching out.
Lindsey
September 3, 2019 at 1:26 pm #310185AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You mean his usual behavior, not being a friend. I misunderstood, I thought that you meant that he touched you or tried to touch you sexually.
You mean in the context of a friendship he is not acting like a friend. Of course it will be better if you “stop reaching out” to him as a friend-that leads to you getting “really confused and get increased anxiety”.
Decreased is what you should aim at, not increased anxiety. Problem is are you able to stop reaching out to him, as a friend. Try and see if you can.
(I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours).
anita
September 4, 2019 at 8:00 am #310247lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes I am going to try and stop reaching out. He is talking more again and texted me yesterday. Said that he runs away from me. I did not push for more. I am working on taking deep breaths when I feel anxiety. Sometimes I will get intrusive thoughts and I’m getting better at allowing them to just come and go versus freak out when the happen.
I’m trying to learn and work with someone not talking to me for awhile does not mean they no longer like me, etc. They are working through their own issues.
Lindsey
September 4, 2019 at 8:24 am #310251AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
The Problem is anxiety, this is The Issue. Let’s say K makes a 180 degree change and is the most reliable, interested man in the world, as perfect for you as can be… you will still get anxious. This is why it is most important that you do attend to and manage your anxiety best you can, remembering that… no matter how K behaved, you will continue to feel anxious. It takes months and years of consistent and stubborn work to reduce anxiety. For example, it will take months of you listening to the guided meditation series I recommended to you, as well as some daily aerobic exercise, I am guessing (20-30 min fast pace walk per day will do) as well as correcting your thoughts (there are excellent CBT exercises online available to correct distorted thoughts that cause anxiety), and so on.
K- is he working through his issues- I don’t know. Doesn’t read like he is. Most people try to survive their issues, escape them, not confront or manage them. Or heal.
anita
September 4, 2019 at 8:27 am #310255lindseyParticipantAnita,
yes I agree with you. I will look into the CBT exercises later online. I’ve been slacking on the meditation lately. I’m going to do it tonight, I start and stop meditation and not sure why.
Of course he is not working on his issues. He does not talk about them or face them- he runs away.
Lindsey
September 4, 2019 at 8:33 am #310257AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
He is not going to get anywhere running away, nowhere other than where he is at now. All that running gets us nowhere. Better slow down aka being Mindful. And be consistent- it is difficult to listen to a guided meditation when you don’t feel like it, I know. This is why it was part of my daily homework, when I attended therapy, to listen to the meditation in that series that my therapist thought I should listen to at any one week, before moving on to the next in the series.
Persist and you will get someplace. K may not be there for you because he is running away. Someone else will (someone who is not running away).
anita
September 5, 2019 at 6:38 am #310395lindseyParticipantAnita,
Guess who had anxiety yesterday because K had started talking to them the day before. I feel in a sense powerless. I went on a long walk yesterday but did not meditate and I’m putting a reminder on my phone because it just doesn’t enter my head again to do it when I wake up in the morning.
I feel unhealthy emotionally because I feel powerless to my thoughts and actions. I continue to do the same thing and follow the same pattern and it’s very frustrating. I know what’s best for me but my brain does a U turn all the time.
Lindsey
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 