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  • March 21, 2024 at 5:40 am #428854
    IMBACK
    Participant

    I will also say, that I don’t have anything in my free time so my personal live also suffer right now. Everything is just bad right now and I don’t know if im just loosing feelings for my gf, because of how she is or if its because how I handle her and the fact that I haven’t set any boundaries. I just do everything she wants me to and think alike her. If she is unsure if I love her, I’m unsure. Im just a little version of her and my way of thinking is based on what I think she would do. Im afraid that this is why I have lost feelings. But im sure of one thing. And that is that I love her. And I want to fight for this relationship.

    March 21, 2024 at 9:42 am #428859
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Imback

    Too much, too quick, too deep is probably why you maybe feeling overwhelmed and lost.

    On the surface it appears that you are both  maybe co-dependant & clingy.

    I guess you do need to set boundaries, like you can spend at least one or two times a week with your friends and not have that time interrupted by intrusive texts. Hopefully she would use that free time to connect with friends or do something that she finds interesting & enjoyable.

    There  are books on the subject of having a relationship with someone with BPD which may help you decide whether you want to stay with her & if so how to cope.

     

     

     

     

     

    March 21, 2024 at 10:57 am #428862
    IMBACK
    Participant

    I also think that I may be co-dependant, but as my mom has said to me, I might actually enjoy being sad. I feel as though I can connect to my parents and girlfriend, when I talk to them about it. Could this be why I still am having these thoughts. I don’t know what else to talk with my girlfriend and parents about. I don’t do anything and I go absolutely quiet when I try to talk with them. My mom says I have to do something in my life so I can love myself and be happy. But I am afraid that I might not be as interested In my girlfriend as I used to. I don’t know what’s wrong

    March 21, 2024 at 11:27 am #428863
    IMBACK
    Participant

    And my girlfriend and I never really do anything interesting and we have done the same thing the last 4 month almost everyday. She is used to just enjoying laying down in bed and doing nothing, but that’s not what makes me happy. So I think that one of the reason I may have all these thoughts is because it makes the relationship interesting and something actually happens for once, but at the same time its making me lose interest in the relationship because of the negativity

    March 21, 2024 at 11:35 am #428865
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Imback

    What kinds of things are you interested in? Is there places that you can do voluntary work in your area?

    Do something that is not just for your enjoyment ie computer games etc, but helps you connect with others in your community will help  you especially if it is outdoors.

    March 21, 2024 at 1:09 pm #428867
    IMBACK
    Participant

    Im interested in football/soccer, basketball and other sports. I think I will start doing small things for myself that will make my life more interesting. I have always been very social but after getting into this relationship, I stopped being social. This was fine before but something has changed. I could always talk about my girlfriend, but as soon as she went on a vacation and I was left with myself, I had nothing to talk or think about. So I just found something that makes me think and keeps me interesting. Since then I have just been addicted to reading about it and talking about my problems, because I get this fix from it. It feels like drugs. But now I just don’t know how to feel about all the negative things that I have thought about the relationship. Should I still focus on them If I start feeling better or should I just let that go?

    March 21, 2024 at 1:16 pm #428868
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    Welcome back!

    “I’m pretty sure she has BPD, because her mom has it and she have been exposed for it the last 18 years. She fits every description there is of BPD“- it so happens that my mother fit the criteria for BPD, and I have been diagnosed with it myself (following many years of purposeful healing, I no longer fit the criteria). BPD is like the kiss of death when it comes to close relationships. It is simply impossible for intimacy/ emotional closeness to survive the unpredictable, explosive behaviors of the BPD person. You walk on eggshells around them. Fear takes over where love used to be.

    “I get the feeling that I have to act a certain way. Like a mirror of hers. I have to find things funny that she finds funny. It actually feels like going to jail when I’m with her… I have become someone I am not…  I have lost myself and I’m still not happy at all… I don’t enjoy her company anymore. She reminds me of negative things“- this is how I felt as a child and a teenager growing up with my mother. I was focused on her and lost myself. It felt like being in jail, not having the SPACE to be me, to have my own thoughts, feelings. She (my mother) took over all of my space. It was torture. Like you, I was not happy at all, didn’t enjoy her company. The very sight of her, her voice.. the touch of her hand, it all got infected with bad memories, bad feelings.

    “I want to fight for this relationship“- you can fight, but for as long as she fits the BPD diagnosis, you will lose the fight. Maybe she’d be willing to see a professional for an evaluation and treatment…?

    anita

     

    March 21, 2024 at 1:38 pm #428869
    IMBACK
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So you are basically saying that this is normal when dealing with a person who has BPD? She keeps saying that she is open for change in the relationship, but I don’t know what to do then. I have researched how to deal with someone who has BPD, and It has given me hope but it still seems difficult to see the future with her. I think it would be difficult to obtain the relationship. I wanted to hear your opinion on the back and fourth me and Roberta have had. It kinda ties back to what I have said before about the fact that im not feeling like myself and that I have lost myself. I have read that in order to be with someone who has BPD, I have to love myself first. I don’t even have a life of my own, so I don’t love myself at all.

    March 21, 2024 at 1:57 pm #428870
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    I am saying that if she fits the BPD criteria, a healthy relationship with her is impossible, impossible for you, impossible for any person in your place. Imagine a 100% healthy young man in your place (if there was such a thing), he’d get sick, sooner than later,  being in a relationship with a BPD woman.

    anita

    March 21, 2024 at 2:00 pm #428871
    IMBACK
    Participant

    So what should I do? Should I confront her about this or should I not? If you think I should, im properly gonna wait till I feel better because I have put her through a lot and she properly wouldn’t react nicely to getting called out for having BPD. What did you think about the back and fourth between me and Roberta?

    March 21, 2024 at 2:17 pm #428876
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    “So what should I do? Should I confront her about this or should I not?“- did you discuss BPD with her?

    If you didn’t, you can bring up the topic, print out some reliable online information on the topic and hand it to her, ask her what she thinks about it. Her reaction can make a difference as to what is next.

    “What did you think about the back and fourth between me and Roberta?“- I think that her suggestion that you do some volunteer work in your community, to connect with people in this way, is an excellent idea. What do you think?

    anita

     

    March 21, 2024 at 2:21 pm #428877
    IMBACK
    Participant

    I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I need to get my life back in place and that will properly take some work. Im just worried that I will fall back into the same pit because of my girlfriends BPD. I mean, I have been okay with her before, but when I think about it my personal life have taken a descend since being with her and definitely since we started arguing. I just can’t keep going with this relationship, while my personal life isn’t okay.

    March 21, 2024 at 2:39 pm #428878
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    I think that it’d be a good idea for you to end the relationship with he. Say your goodbye to her, and do it soon, kindly and responsibly (keep it short, be kind). And then, stay away. Don’t go back to her.

    anita

    March 21, 2024 at 2:43 pm #428879
    IMBACK
    Participant

    But I don’t want to leave her. I still love her. I want to try and get my personal life together while her being by my side. It just sometimes feels like I make some progress, but then im with her and I fall back a bit. Should I leave her or just try and stick it out and work on this. Maybe I should try and tell her that she may be dealing with BPD.

    March 21, 2024 at 2:50 pm #428880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IMBACK:

    “Maybe I should try and tell her that she may be dealing with BPD“- I suggested that earlier. I think that it’d be best for you to see a counselor/ therapist that specializes in your age group, and who can help you. I think that you need 1-on-1 professional help, not random communications online.

    anita

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