So at the moment im 17 years old. I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend of 9 month. To give you some background, we met at some parties and we started talking. She was the first to initiate something between us. We went to a party not long after together and we kissed again. This time I initiated it. We starting texting each other and i was clearly the one who wanted her the most. We went on some walks together and it started to get more serious from one day to the other. We then after one party spent the night together where we agreed that we should be locked in together. About a month after we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Everything went perfectly, besides the fact that I dropped everything I had in my life for her. If she wanted to hang out some day, I would cancel all other plans just to be with her. I was over the top in love with her. Then we hit a bump in our relationship. We started arguing quite a lot, and that properly had something to do with the fact that we spent every single day together. Almost seven times a week for the first 6 month of our relationship we spent each and every day together. But as mentioned above, we started to argue quite a lot. At one point it was almost every day. We got into a routine, where we would just expect to be together everyday, then we would sit in front of my tv and watch a movie together. For a period it was actually quite rare that we spoke to each other. And when we did, we argued. It messed up our 5 month anniversary and my girlfriend got really mad at me for that. At this point I had lost all connection to reality. I had lost my friends, I never did what I wanted to. Never had alone time. Everything in my life almost came to an end. But for some reason I was still happy, because I had her in my life.

Then we got into the week before our 6 month anniversary and she asked me if I still loved her. She had felt that I had been distant to her and not as clingy as I used to. I had never given that question much thought, because of course I loved her. But it made me question my love for her. I only enjoyed being away from her, and as soon as we were together I got sad and cried. I didn’t know what to believe, because I knew that I loved her or at least I chose to love her. We spent the whole night before our anniversary crying. I told her that I didn’t know what I felt about her, and of course it made her sad. I know I shouldn’t have told her, but I tell her everything. We then spent our anniversary together where we went to a party and then went to a restaurant together after. We spent the night together, and I felt better. I still had some doubts about everything, but it was better. She left for a vacation and I started crying the moment she left. I couldn’t hold it together, because I missed her. I just wanted her to come home. ALL my doubt was gone. She came home 4 days after and everything was good. We started spending every day together again and all my thoughts were gone. Then about a month after she had to leave for a trip again. Everything was actually fine, besides the fact that I one or two days before I started getting a knot in my stomach. I couldn’t look at another girl without feeling guilty. She left for her vacation and a day after she left all my thoughts came back. I had seen a Tik Tok saying “This is a sign to break up with who you are with”. This made me doubt everything about her again. I spent the next week while she was gone, crying everyday and not being sure if I still loved her. I kept saying to myself and my parents that I love her, but I still doubted it. In that period I searched after answers on google and everything just went to my head, even if it didn’t make sense or didn’t fit how I felt. I kept having thoughts about what would happen if we broke up. The day before she went home we had a discussion over a call and I told her that I had lost myself in the relationship. This made her sad and angry, but we put our feelings to the side. She came home and we spent the day together. Everything was actually going fine. I didn’t think that much, but we still had to talk about everything. She kept almost pushing me to break up but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to. Yes, I would properly feel better and the problem would be gone, but I just knew deep inside that the right thing isn’t to leave. We kept going and the day after I broke down at work and decided that we needed a break. The day after that we just went on a quick walk together and I actually broke up. We got back together 2 minutes after because I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing. I had the thought that I was afraid of breaking up, because what if I regretted it. We continued the break, but we basically still messaged each other everyday. It was very hard that week. I couldn’t do anything in that break, even though I took the break so I could find out what made me happy. We had a study trip the week after, and two days before I had to leave, she texted me saying that the break didn’t work for her. We met that same evening, and actually agreed that the break didn’t work. I was just as sad, and she was even more sad. We enjoyed the day after together and I went on the trip. The whole trip I focused on being myself and doing what I love. Being with my friends and just being me. I still texted her, but not nearly enough as I used to.

A week after I got home. We had an argument the first day we came home, because she wanted me to pick her up from the air port but for the first time in our relationship I actually didn’t just say yes. I did what I felt was right for me and said no. She got mad at me. And made me feel bad about telling her no. She started going on about how I didn’t care if she was okay about everything that had happened. I understood her and I apologised like I always do and moved on. Everything was actually going fine. I did what I enjoyed, spending time with my friends and only answering her when I actually wanted to. I didn’t force myself to answer her just because I was afraid she would get mad or raise suspicion about me not loving her because I didn’t answer her after 5 minutes. Then one evening I watched football with my friend and she started texting me. For some reason, even though I didn’t want to at the moment. I answered very quick. I kept muting and pausing everything to answer her. The morning after ALL my thoughts came back. Every time I wrote her back I got goosebumps. I started feeling that everything was forced and that I was faking everything. I didn’t feel like me. I started feeling more and more distant to her, to point where I actually believe that I have lost some feelings for her. I still love her, but im trying to force some feelings when im talking to her or looking at her. Everything just feels forced. I have reached the point where I don’t know what to talk to my girlfriend about, because I only make decisions based on what I think she wants. I have been open about everything lately and said to her there is something wrong with the relationship. She have told me that my feelings are okay and that she will be open for change in the relationship. The more time I spent away from her the happier I get. The more im myself and enjoying my own company. As soon as im with her or texting her, I get the feeling that I have to act a certain way. Like a mirror of her. I have to find things funny that she finds funny. It actually feels like going to jail when im with her. I know many would just say that I should pack my things and leave, but I don’t want to. Im not sure if I have just lost feelings, but im quite sure that everything can get better, but I have to work on what I do and how I am. I am not myself when im with her, and it has made me lose some feelings for her. I just feel like when im with her I get forced down into the same little pit that I was on my way out of. Im afraid that if I become myself that I don’t love her anymore. But when I think about this Is absolute nonsense. I am slowly loosing her anyways, and yes I might push her to the side, because I need to work on my self. And I HAVE to find a way to be myself in the relationship. It’s almost like the less I think about her the better im feeling. Not because I don’t like or love her; but because she reminds me of a worse version of my self that I don’t want to be.

Last thing, because I think I have basically covered everything. Im pretty sure she have BPD, because her mom has it and she have been exposed for it the last 18 years. She fits every description there is of BPD and when I have searched of how they are as a lover, It matches you. I sometimes feel like she Is belittling me. She can raise her voice against me and love to make fun of me. It is not always fun to be around her because of this. This is properly one of the reasons why I have become someone I am not. To deal with her behaviour. The way I have dealt with it is definitely wrong, because I have lost myself and I’m still not happy at all. It feels weird to push her to the side, and almost “forget” about her. I still love her and want to hang out, but im used to her being my everything, but she just isn’t that anymore. She still means a lot and I still love her, but the way I am with her is not nice and I don’t enjoy her company anymore. She reminds me of negative things. Im afraid that it is too late to fix our relationship. Im still trying though. We are going on a vacation to her home country in about a week and I think it would be good for our relationship.

Now last question. Do you think that I have just lost feelings? This Is my first love and I don’t know my way around. I don’t want to be with anyone else, but I still daydream about being single. Again I think this Is because I don’t like who I am with her so I imagine me being someone else. I happy version of me. Please help.