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No one puts me first – feeling lonely

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  • March 18, 2018 at 2:12 am #197889
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hello!

    This might be a little long – I’m really hurt and I’m not sure who to talk to. If you look at my previous posts – I had a troubled relationship with my boyfriend. I was never sure about him! We broke up recently and actually, I was surprised how it solved all the problems in my life! While I was with him I was constantly anxious or upset about something, over thinking my life and taking it way too seriously! But now, I’ve been living so carefree and spontaneous, I’m full of energy every day and I’m so excited for life in general! However … I obviously lost someone who was my best friend too. He was my number one person to go to for everything! And once we broke up, I wasn’t so sad about the relationship ending (I knew it needed to happen) BUT I couldn’t stop crying about the fact that “oh my god. I have no friends and have no idea who to lean on”.

    Now I’m the type that has tons of friends and if I go into work, everyone is happy to see me – I know I am liked! People always tell me I light up any room, and they say I’m a wonderful friend and I’m so selfless etc, which I know is all true. I am the one who gets tons of likes on social media and comments from people telling me how great I am whenever I share exciting news about my life. Recently I asked an ex colleague to write me a reference and the things he wrote about me were so wonderful it nearly brought a tear to my eye! So why do I not have anyone in my life that puts me first? I’m a good person, I do so much for the people around me and I care so deeply for them! It actually is painful to hear people say how great of a person I am nowadays because I can’t help but think ..ok.. that’s nice.. but it doesn’t change the fact that I spend most of my days off at home with my parents. Don’t get me wrong – I meet people all the time! But it’s all very surface.. like I said they’re the kind of friends you meet with every two weeks to catch up! AND I’m definitely trying! I’ve been reaching out to everyone recently and making plans over and over. I’ve actually surprised myself how much I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to randomly ask people to hang out that I wouldn’t usually! But everyone already has a closer group of friends or a boyfriend that they always make plans with so the response I get are usually:

    • “yeah let’s do it!!” And then they actually forget we made plans at all when it comes to the day
    • OR “maybe later in the week, I’m busy at the moment”
    • OR they literally don’t reply for hours/days

    I’m no one’s first choice. And I also fear of being needy. I can take a hint – so if people don’t reply I just back off, but it makes me feel awfully lonely.
    I keep trying to tell myself that it is because I’m in a transitional phase in my life that I have no specific group of friends to stick to at the moment. I only recently had this break up (not even 2 months yet) so I guess maybe soon I will find my place again with a new set of friends .. from somewhere?? I’m an extroverted person you see, socialising gives me life! And without it I feel so lost 🙁

    You might be wondering what brought all of this on. I reached out to a few friends of mine who all live in the same city, asking to see them next weekend when I’m down! They all replied something along the lines of “I’m not sure if I will be available yet, but it would be amazing to see you” and I thought great, I can live with that. And then bam, I go online and it hit me like a ton of bricks. There they all are. The people I wrote to, all in a group photo together along with the many other people who I considered my close friends at University. Why didn’t they tell me they’re all meeting this weekend? I saw my ex boyfriend was in the photo and maybe that’s why. But it really hurt anyway. Why didn’t they say anything? It made my stomach turn! I care about these people and would run to them if they needed my help or support, yet they can’t even tell me that they’re all having a reunion.

    I don’t really know what I wish to gain from this post if I’m honest. It would be nice to talk to someone other than my parents. Like I said, a part of me is hoping this is just a transitional phase. As I said I’m so full of life and I feel ready to get out there and live my 20s and party and let loose but.. I can’t imagine partying by yourself is fun! I really don’t mind spending time by myself either – I love my own company! I just have too much of it at the moment.

    Thank you for taking the time to read all of this I know it was very long..

    Fruzsina

    March 18, 2018 at 6:18 am #197911
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    You wrote: “I care about these people and would run to them if they needed my help or support”- I have no doubt that you will, but your motivation is not solely to help them, but to not be alone. From communicating with you earlier, especially in your thread of Oct last year, in most cases (with the exclusion perhaps of your relationship with your mother and sister), you need people more than they need you.

    You need people more than they need you.

    I wrote to you late last year that it “is not about being an emotionally healthy extrovert but about that anxiety spinning your wheels”.

    You are anxious and have been anxious since childhood, scared of being alone and so, you are driven to have others present in your life, to socialize. And you need that socialization to be available for you whenever you feel anxious, which is often.

    I don’t think anyone, however loving and however willing, can satisfy your need for him or her to be as available as you need them to be. Do you think it may be true, what I just stated here?

    anita

    March 18, 2018 at 6:41 am #197919
    Buddha Buddy
    Participant

    A few observations. Ending a relationship is not always the answer to happiness and rarely resolves all your problems – unless it was abusive1. Did you try to address the issues with counseling before it ended? Are you feeling regrets perhaps?

    Also, it seems like you are seeking validation through social media. Social media is not a place to find truth or reality.

    Regarding your ex and your friends – was the way in which the relationship ended done in a way that offended others? Although you may be a deeply caring person, actions show more than anything and your friends may perceive things differently. People don’t typically display negative thoughts with friends as it’s not good to spread the negativity. Or, perhaps you weren’t as good of friends than you thought.

    You mentioned living your 20s. Are you in fact in your 20s? Or are you trying to reach back to do something you feel you missed out on. If so, it’s nof possible. Focus on where you are today.

    March 18, 2018 at 7:34 am #197927
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Fruzsina,

    I know lots of happy, upbeat people. I’m not close friends with a lot of them, they constantly reach out, there’s nothing wrong with them, but seeing them feels more like an obligation to be fulfilled. It’s not that I groan inwardly when I get an invitation to hang out, but it’s all so surface-y.

    And yes, some are “needy”. I get that you feel lonely. But you really should feel comfortable with yourself and by yourself.

    It’s OK to be alone. It’s OK to let a true friendship grow organically by itself without trying to force it.

    For once, let people come to you.

    Best,

    Inky

    March 18, 2018 at 8:30 am #197937
    Abbey
    Participant

    Dear Fruzsina,

    I have the same issue, but with friends AND family. It seems like I am the one making all the effort and I get no love, support or appreciation back. But then when you focus on yourself and what you want to do and where YOU want to go, and you low-key give up on them (not literally) you will find that one friend (whom you’ve totally forgotten about or taken for granted) has reached out. Or that your family, who act like they don’t a damn, actually do love you very much!

    I still struggle with the same issue, especially with a stepmother that goes out of her way to put me down, but I promise you…counting your blessings and taking it day by day is the best solution. And always always put yourself first.

     

     

    Abbey

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