January 18, 2018 at 8:33 am #187359
My name is Gaurav and I am 27 years old. I'm from India and work for an IT company. I was in a relationship with a girl for past one year and we used to work in the same office, it was very intense , before starting the relationship she told me that her father is against inter cast marriage but did not tell me that things would get this serious with her family opposing the relationship outright. Whenever I used to ask her that what if her father refuses and we should plan about how to approach him, she used to say that thinking about this gives her a lot of stress and she will deal with it later when the situation comes. We even went to Goa together for vacation as a couple for which she lied at home that she has to go on an office trip. We had a really great time together. After we came back from the vacation a week later she heard her sister talking to a guy over the phone about her marriage, she was very tensed and told her sister right away about us, hearing this her sister got very angry and told her father who on hearing this stopped talking to her and did all sorts of emotional blackmail, she tried telling him that please talk to the guy I have chosen but he wouldn't listen at all , he said he would not support inter-caste marriage at all. This is how stubborn some families in India are! Now the thing is that my ex's mother passed away in an accident few years back and she wondered if things would have been different had she been around. This was the first instance and then itself she said that they are not ready to listen so we should break up and was upset at the same time as well, somehow I convinced her that we will find a way but she gave in to family pressure and just stopped talking to me. No explanations nothing , just disconnected and wouldn't reply to my messages or calls. All this while we were in the same office , after nearly a month of no contact, I messaged her to meet up to which she agreed. We had a very tense conversation and she told me that she also missed me a lot, every day in fact and tried talking to her father again but he didn't agree. From then on we started talking again and decided that we will keep on trying together. We were in relationship again, physical as well as emotional. This time she seemed more serious to convince her father, and tried several times but each time her father would torture her emotionally. During the time of our no contact I was very depressed and wanted to just run away so I had applied for a job in a different city and I was appointed. After getting back together we discussed it several times that how my moving to a different city would impact our relationship, to which she said don't worry at all we will be talking continuously and the relation would stay strong. She decided that she will try with all we got this time before I move, and she did only to know that her father has seen some other guy for her marriage. She cried a lot on hearing this, all this while her sister would call me and hurl abuses at me but I never even raised my voice against her and tried to make her understand. This time finally her father accepted that he cannot force her to marry someone against her will, and wanted her to think properly before deciding anything. It was a sign of relief that maybe now they will understand, I asked her to tell her father that she has thought it through and wants to be with me to which she replied that she has somehow managed to avoid the situation for now and she wants to wait for sometime to talk again. After few days I would ask her again when she is planning to talk but she gave the same answer and starting behaving weird, she would not reply to my texts for hours saying that she was working and its not necessary to talk all the time. Now I moved to a new city and started my new job, I had just arrived when she told me that she had not had her periods for two weeks and was very tensed, I asked her to test for pregnancy which came out to be positive. She immediately said that we cannot have this baby at any cost, I did not oppose her even though I was feeling very bad in doing this, but I supported her decision and booked her an appointment with a doctor and told her that I will come over in a couple of days but she should not delay in talking to the doc so she went and the doctor on her consent suggested for medical abortion. The pregnancy was 5 and a half weeks. She started taking the meds and all of a sudden started feeling guilt and said that she doesn't respect this relationship anymore, all this was hidden from her family. I was confused that why is she behaving like this when I did not force her to abort and supported her every decision. I even felt guilty that I should have been more responsible and told her its entirely my mistake, to which she replied that it was both of our mistake that we were not careful. I searched online and found the hormonal changes can make a person feel all this during medication so I never said a word to her even when sometimes she would take out her frustration on me. I even traveled to her city and went to the doctor with her for final tests, the abortion was done successfully. I was there for a few days and she kept on saying that she is feeling very guilty that I came all the way and want to save the relationship but she cant do anything. I asked her why do you want to break up so she said that she is not strong enough to take any more stress to make the relation successful. I asked her when her father has already said that he will not force and think through everything before deciding then what is the problem then she said even if he says this he will never support us in future. Some days she would give another reason like we dont have compatibility as we have fights ( the relationship itself was not a bed of roses and we had few verbal fights like in any normal relationship). I did not understand the reason why she wants to be separated, even though she was sad about it. After trying to hold it together like many times before I finally gave up and told her that if thats her decision then so be it, I wished her well and said that we should not talk anymore, to which she started crying that we should not break contact, but I explained that if we keep on talking then whats the point of the decision you've made. After few days we said an emotional bye to each other. Some days I felt very guilty that because of me she suffered to which she always replied you are a far better and strong person than me and its not your fault that this relation is broken, its my fault Im weak and all. Still I text her after a few days when I cant resist and I can make out she is also sad or portrays that to me. She does not initiate the contact with me now, its me only who texts her after a gap of few days. Some days I feel very angry that all these are mere consolation words, if she really wanted to be with me she could not have given up after all we've been through. I am trying a lot to be strong, reading books but I still feel very depressed. I dont know what to do next. Any suggestions are welcome.January 18, 2018 at 11:18 am #187435
Dear Gaurav Bisht:
I hope you feel better soon enough following a period of recovery from your emotional hardship.
Reads to me that the chances of her father approving of a marriage between the two of you was close to none, from the very beginning to the end of your relationship. Reads to me that she knew that all along but chose to put it out of her mind so to postpone the heartache. And it is my understanding that she wasn't honest with you about those non existing chances.
I think her father had the power all along, not you, and that this marriage had not chance of taking place.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings, if it helps you somewhat, a bit.
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 12:03 am #187517
She tried talking to her father many times but never put her foot down and told him that she wants to marry me only. She said that she cannot be rude to him as he is single parent and she can only request him. Moreover now after the abortion I have so much guilt and cant get past that. Last night i texted her and asked her to block me from all social media so that i cant contact her to which she readily agreed and did block me. Im a kind of person who always liked the idea of love and I hate the fact that all this has happened and I dread I will not be able to love again.January 19, 2018 at 4:41 am #187533
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I too have been in a similar situation, unfortunately more times than I care to admit. I have finally learned. Most of the men, I met via Facebook, online or other online forums. It started out innocent, friendship..but as we kept chatting, emotional bonding occurred and I would develop deep feelings for this person as months went on..and I mistakenly thought they felt the same. Then it would turn to videochatting. They were the first person I would see or messenger in the morning, and the last person, I would messenger or video chat in the evening. There were a few of them I met briefly. When we did meet, it was very “intense” because of the fantasy's I had built up with this person, a fairytale of an imaginary life together. I live in the United States, they lived in India, Pakistan, Iraq, Cyprus, etc. Most outside the country, I find myself attracted to Latino and middle Eastern men. None of them particularly treated me very well. They told me lies, and I foolishly believed them because I thought I was “so in love”.
The first warning sign, is the parents. The parents are very close units in these countries. Marriages are often arranged. Many of these men would not tell their parents about me, because they knew their parents would never “accept” an American woman. Yet, because I thought I was in love, I did not listen to my gut, and did not take this seriously. But it is serious. Parents come first, they have the first word in these countries. The person has to marry or be with whoever the parents want them to be with, and it always ends the same, I get rejected, heartbroken, only to meet another man from another country and on it went. I finally deleted my profile. The only advice I can give you, is when the relationship starts off “intense” it will not last. You have to have a foundation of friendship first. Like a house. With no foundation, and high winds, tornado, waves, will tear it down because it has no foundation. No relationship should start out as “intense” but slowly. Get to know that person, get to trust them. Become their friends, build that foundation, so it will last.
Last thing is when someone mentions their parents are “against” a marriage or relationship between you and the other person..take it seriously, because culture, arranged marriages and culture comes first and “love” takes a back seat. When someone says this, just run..leave, get out, or you will end up being hurt. Nothing will change. Parents have the final say and control. I hope you feel better soon, and find the love you deserve.January 19, 2018 at 4:54 am #187541
Thanks Eliana for replying. I don't understand then why she has to cry and appear sad just to make me feel bad even though I am not the one who asked for a break up. It's true that if she really wanted it she would have never given up. Now that she asked for it then why not just own it and tell the real reason that she is not interested anymore and it was all convenience while it lasted.I could have easily run away on the first instance, my friends or whoever saw us together just told me you are far better than her, looks and nature wise but I never paid heed as I was so blindly in love.January 19, 2018 at 5:46 am #187549
She cried, because she most likely loved you..and she was very sad. However, her parents came first unfortunately. You did nothing wrong. But in the future, just take it as a red flag, when someone talks about their parents being against something.January 19, 2018 at 6:06 am #187555
Dear Gaurav Bisht:
There have been quite a few threads on this website regarding arranged marriages. There were times that the parents gave up on their idea that the son or daughter marry a particular person, but there was not one time, when a parent was against a marriage with a particular person and then changed their mind.
D0 you know of anyone's experience otherwise, of an adult child successfully changing a parent's disapproval of a candidate for marriage, particularly when based on caste difference?
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 8:13 am #187577
Yes there have been cases when parents do approve seeing that theur child really wants this to happen. But in my case her father was not even ready to talk to any guy of another caste even if he was the president of the country.January 19, 2018 at 8:17 am #187579
Dear Gaurav Bisht:
In those other cases when an adult child successfully convinced a parent to marry a person of a different caste, what was the difference from your case, do you think… how was the convincing done successfully in any of those other cases?
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 11:06 am #187607
Who needs this drama? Get out while you can! Someone who is not their own person and can make their own decisions is not the type of person to be with. It only gets worse with time. Your title “Not able to overcome this break up” is what you are saying to yourself subconsciously. Try a different mantra, “I wish her that best, but the perfect women is around the corner.” Keep saying this to yourself. You will get over her and the perfect person is just waiting for you to do just that.January 20, 2018 at 3:11 pm #187775
Gaurav first off stop texting her, I know you love her but this is not healthy. I know this seems harsh but sometimes no matter how much you want someone or something it just is not meant to be. You can angry that is valid emotion given the circumstance. Delete her number block her from Social Media and do not meet common friends and ask about her.
Make an effort to upkeep your self meet friends hang out, take a class, join the gym, read a book or join a book club the list is never ending, India is beautiful go off grid if you can afford it and travel north to south you can do countless things. I know you cant forget her you guys have been thru a lot but you also have a choice not to harp on it forever, write to her if you want one last massage and let her go for both your sake and then take her contact out.
Love means different things to different people one such thing is respect not just the other person but your feelings too …January 21, 2018 at 7:28 pm #187965
Thanks for the replies Anita, Lisa and Buddi. I am doing a lot of things to keep myself occupied, I am into fitness so that helps a lot. But guys please comment on the other key part here, that is the abortion. I have a lot of guilt for that and feel that its morally very wrong if we separate after that. I could've gone ahead and had the baby I have a good job and age wise also the time was not all improper. But knowing that she was pregnant she immediately at the same moment decided tthat she doesn't want the baby. I supported her in that as well but now whenever this comes up she says we have commited sin by doing this. I have already tried doing what is suggested, I wished her the best in life and decided that not talking anymore is the best thing to do. But when I think she wants to talk to me and is sad then I feel how can I be so horrible person and move forward. Please suggest how to overcome this guilt.January 21, 2018 at 7:29 pm #187967
Sorry for the bold font, didn't realize until after posting.January 22, 2018 at 3:54 am #187987
If she is sad, and wants to talk, and you feel you are strong enough to talk about that without developing Re-occuring feelings for her, than I feel it would be okay to talk to her. However, you have to put yourself first and right now you are still very attached to her, so you have to be very careful how you approach talking to her about all this. If you are feeling guilty, and feel you are able to talk to her, talk to her, but don't let it go on for a long period of time. Try to be objective and separate what she is sad about from re-developing feelings from her. What are your thoughts? You want to get over her, and I feel like continuing contact with her will only make it harder for you. But since an abortion is involved, and she needs to talk about it, and you feel you can remain objective, then by all means, talk to her. If that will help lessen your guilt. Just remember, you want to get over her, and keep your communications casual and limited.January 22, 2018 at 4:20 am #187993
Dear Gaurav Bisht:
I don't understand the nature of your felt guilt: is it any one of the following, a combination of the following:
-do you feel that abortion in itself was a wrongdoing, and if so, how is it wrong, in your mind?
-do you feel that the abortion was not a wrongdoing, but that the ending of your relationship with her after the abortion is the wrongdoing, if so, why is it so?
Or is it something else?