Hi Everyone. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by writing this but maybe it’ll help to hear advice from people that I don’t know, and have been there, whilst also cathartically working through this by putting my thoughts into words.

The beginning of 2017 was the start of one of the toughest years of my life. I was diagnosed with (mono) testicular cancer. 8 months later, in August, I went into remission. Then in December I got talking to an amazing person. She was smart, intelligent, bubbly, funny and beautiful. We lived 40 miles from each other but we were happy to travel to see each other.

After 3 dates we started to date seriously and the first 8 weeks were amazing. We did all the things couples do and I was even invited to a number of  family events, which I happily went to. I like to think I got on well with her family and friends, think being the crucial word there!

The problems in our relationship began when she decided that she wanted to study for 2 very demanding exams, independently, 8 weeks into our relationship. She was essentially studying 2 years worth of content in 4 months whilst also juggling her full time job, family and friends. At the time I knew exactly how time consuming her studying would be, and the stress it was likely to put on us. But I did what I thought was right. I supported her, and only said that we needed to make sure we communicate through this.

If I’m being honest, the first issue came when we were fully intimate. Due to the nature of my cancer, lets just say I wasn’t firing on all cylinders. After the second time she said that ‘maybe we aren’t sexually compatible’, which cut me very deeply. I did my best to explain that I was very attracted to her but it was still an area that was healing. A couple of weeks after that she decided that she wanted a ‘none-sexual relationship’, saying she wanted to be closer to god (comes from a very religious family). Which for me was a backward step in the relationship and a sign that maybe she was quietly ending us. So instead of dancing round the subject, I asked her if she wanted to break up. To which she said no. In hindsight maybe she was trying to take the pressure off me, but I know how important sex can be for a relationship and closeness.

During the rest of March she wasn’t acting her normal self. More reserved, distracted and a little distant. When I met her again, I asked her what was wrong. She then opened up and said she was dealing with a number of family issues, mainly that her mother was getting her into financial trouble.

At this point it’s worth mentioning I was beginning to see her less and less. We had gone from seeing each other twice a week to once every 2-3 weeks. Only seeing her on Friday evenings, after work. The weekends were reserved for her friends birthday parties, and other occasions I wasn’t invited to. This continued into April. By May I was down to seeing her once a month and having her calling me up drunk saying that she felt bad and wanted to do things with me once the exams were over. She also felt she was stringing me along, to which I said I understood she needed to focus on her exams and let off some steam from time to time. At the time I didn’t want to add any pressure on her, but in hindsight I was far to understanding and should have acted sooner.

This was also a time when she would make plans with me and then change her mind a day before, cancelling. So much so that in the middle of May I said that perhaps we shouldn’t make plans until after the exams. Which she agreed to. We continued to talk and chat on whatsapp, and things were OK. Fast forward to the end of the exams in June and she waited until the weekend following her exams to come and see me. The night before she texted me, back from a night out, changing the plans from coming to my house to going somewhere else. After speaking to her on the phone in the morning, she agreed to see me at my house. During our time together she was very distant and unaffectionate, not wanting to be close at all. When I was teaching her chess, and the importance of keeping your queen, she said ‘if only you were as good at keeping a girlfriend’…… wow. I challenged her but she didn’t respond.

A week later we had plans to go to a place she had been wanting to take me to for a long time. The day before I messaged her asking if we were still OK for the next day, to which she said yes. Fast forward to the next day, and a prior night out, she rang me at 11am saying she was ill. No apology, nothing. I then left her 6 hours before asking to talk. I then said I wasn’t happy and asked her up front if there was someone else. To which she got very angry and said she needed time to think.

2 days later she rang me and said she’d been thinking a lot about what I had said, and that I was right. She had been treating me pretty poorly, but she didn’t feel like she could be in a relationship right now. Me being me, I wanted to look for a solution. So she ended the call saying she’d think some more. Another 2 days on and she asks me if I want to meet on Friday, to which I agree. We have a good time, the conversation flows and she even holds hands with me.  She lets me know that she’s been fighting a CCJ claim that her mother, yet again, has got her into (plus other things she wasn’t happy to talk about). 2 more days pass and she lands the bomb shell. Saying that our ‘futures aren’t compatible’, that she was sorry and still cares about me. I don’t fight it, and wish her the best.

A week later I ask to talk, to which she says it’s not a good time. I then go no contact for 4 more weeks. When I did reach out again,  my message to her was that I understood the reasons for us breaking up and that I accepted them. I apologised for my part in us drifting apart and that needed to learn from it. I then went on to ask if we could still talk as I missed it. She replied quickly saying she respected my honesty and felt she played a big part in it not working. She then went on to say that she never keeps in touch with exs, but is happy to talk to me. I leave her 2 days and she initiates contact with me, we talk like normal. She then rings me up that same day and we talk for 40 mins. Since then we’ve been in touch every day. She even rang to open up about her dream job falling through (the factor that was going to make us none compatible). It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve also been having my important scans recently (check ups) and she’s been sending very supportive messages and been very worried about me.

So to say I’m confused is an understatement. I have no idea what’s going on in her head and possibly mine for that matter. At the moment I feel that maybe her life circumstances made a relationship impossible, in her eyes, at the time. The guilt that she was feeling certainly didn’t help.. The thing is I care a great deal about her and do feel like she is an amazing person, if a little complicated. I’m thinking of asking her out for a coffee to meet in person and see what happens.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Sorry for the War and Peace novel, 6 months doesn’t seem so long until you put it to paper!