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Obsessed with his Ex

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  • January 22, 2015 at 2:53 pm #71796
    Rachel
    Participant

    You guys, I need help.

    My boyfriend and I were together very seriously for 4 years when he had a moment of panic about our seriousness, and whether it was what he wanted. We broke up for 8 months, I prepared myself for it to be over, although I never fully moved on. Apparently, neither did he. He came back to me saying that he realized that our relationship was what he actually did wanted. We are currently trying to recover what we had, and move forward together, but it is very hard. Throughout this, I became was aware that he was dating another woman throughout our breakup, and while he has assured me that he has ended things with her, I am struggling with it.

    I have found myself obsessed with her. I damn near stalk her social media, trying to figure out who she is, what he liked about her, and search for any hints about her feelings for my boyfriend. I can’t help but to compare myself to her, and I literally feel cravings to cyber-spy on her. I look at her online presence multiple times daily. I need advice, and help on letting go of this very, very unhealthy obsession. What do I do? I’ve become a crazy person. It’s hindering my ability to move forward with the man that I love, and who loves me. It’s ruining any self confidence, it’s destroying my self love, and it’s making it THAT much harder to rebuild the trust in our relationship.

    January 22, 2015 at 5:02 pm #71799
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Rachel,

    Kudos for recognising this unhealthy obessession and wanting to change it as it is never something that’s easy to admit to yourself. It sounds like your brain understands that no matter what this girl have, your partner still choose you over her but your heart is still reeling from the pain of the break up, which left you wondering who this person is, what qualities does she possess that attracted him in the first place and why he slept with her so soon after your break up. In some ways, she represents all the pain, doubts and insecurities you have experienced throughout the break up and even though things are going well now, you are still afraid of what might happen in the future due to those experiences.

    If you are sounding out this girl’s interest level to your boyfriend by going through her profile, it means that there is a part of you that belive he might change his mind, given the right incentives. So it appears that the issue here is trust, both within your relationship and yourself. There are lots of article here that can assist with this but in the mean time, you might want to start off by deleting that girl from social media or if you are the type who is tempted to re-add people, just get rid of the thing all together. The more you feed the fear, the stronger it grows.

    January 22, 2015 at 10:56 pm #71808
    Banu Sekendur
    Participant

    Rachel,
    It’s a courageous post. Especially because you are owning up to this obsessive behavior with her. It is also very common, more common than you might think. I’ve done it and the women I work with confess to this.

    I think that some level of curiosity is normal. What you are describing sounds like a great opportunity to look into self-esteem, self-worth and how you view yourself in general.

    Him dating someone else might actually have been the reason he was able to get back together with you.Whatever he needed to learn in his relationship with you, and he couldn’t, he probably learned with the next girl. This is also very common too, almost needed. Don’t use her strengths to your disadvantage. She might be the total opposite of you and that means nothing. It will be a painful journey if you use your differences to hurt yourself. And if you keep looking hard enough, you WILL find reasons why she is better than you and your self-created jealousy will erode the relationship. If he was done “learning” with her and walked away, then embrace this opportunity to enjoy him and grow with him.

    Wish you the best on your journey!

    Love,

    Banu

    January 23, 2015 at 4:02 am #71811
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Rachel,

    I know what happened. He broke it off and then found himself in a great chasm of a void. So he picked anyone (and I mean ANYONE) to attempt to fill that void. When men do this, break it off and come back, the interim chick doesn’t even have to be pretty. Anyone (and I mean anyone) with the right plumbing will do. Of course he came to his senses and came back to you! Clearly, it wasn’t about the plumbing.

    With this other girl, he swiftly found out what he DOESN’T want, and so he flew back to you, when he figured out what he DOES want! He was just all, “D’uh” about it. It’s like when you take a friend to the city and say, “This is the finest restaurant in town! Roumanian cuisine, your favorite!” and the friend is all, “I bet there’s another Roumanian restaurant that’s even better” and the friend’s all, “Um, no little buddy, Sammy’s Steakhouse is the best (and only), you don’t even need to do a Google search to figure that out.” And friend’s all, “EXPLORE!!” Then he returns starving to Sammy’s Steakhouse eight hours later…. LOL

    You are the It Girl,

    Inky

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