Dear starryskies:

No indication in your share that your father sexually abused you. Anxiety, like fire, often ignites anything sexual. Sex  is an.. inflammable material, if you think of anxiety like fire.

What  is  the  origin of  your anxiety? Probably nothing to do with sex…?

anita

Dear starryskies:

You are welcome.

The problem I have with your last question is the following: if I answer no, it is not sexual harassment, you or someone who reads my answer may think: oh, I guess it is okay to do this or that. If you want  an answer,  from a quality psychotherapist, let’s say, you can  make an appointment with such, maybe with one who specializes in OCD or sexual abuse. In  a one-to-one session you can explore this question. Not here, not  with  me.

Thing is, with anxiety, which I compared to fire, is that even if you distinguish this one fire, another will start  elsewhere. There is always material to be ignited, to start  a new fire  or re-start  an old fire.

Regarding your parents’ divorce when you were  three, did they fight in your presence, before, during and  after the divorce?

When you wrote that you didn’t have your parents around  when you were  growing up, what do you mean?

anita

You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing and in no way harmed your cousin

Dear starryskies:

You are welcome. I have suffered from OCD from an early age, so I am familiar with this torture. Another way to think of an OCD thought, or fixation, is like this: fear  is like a hitchhiker, hitching a ride. One vehicle stops, that is one fixation, the fear  gets into that vehicle and the vehicles drives  and drives in the freeways/ motorways of your brain. Sometimes it runs out of gas and takes a break, for a little while. Then continues.

The hitchhiker, aka fear may stop any other vehicle, depending what vehicles happen to be driving (events in our lives) and get into that vehicle. And into another… even if the sexual abuse vehicle (your current vehicle) breaks down completely and is not drivable anymore, there will be another vehicle.

Until you deal with the hitchhiker, that is, the  fear.

anita

Dear starryskies,

It is a good step for you to want to share about your thoughts and fears on this forum. Sometimes the past holds memories we wish to delete, but I am afraid that is not possible. Do not fault yourself forever. We need to learn to let go. Reading about your situation, my opinion is that a peck on the lips is certainly not as severe as “sexual abuse”. According to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 4th Edition, the definition of sexual abuse is as follows, the forcing of unwanted sexual activity by one person on another, as by the use of threats or coercion. And according to Wikipedia, some examples of sexual activities are sexual intercourse, non-penetrative sex, oral sex, etc.

You might be feeling guilty about the whole incident, but you were curious, and you have done it, so that’s it. The baby probably isn’t affected by it much, and you’re the only one suffering in this whole ordeal. I feel that you might’ve taken this a bit too extremely, because from another person’s perspective, it could be a sign of affection from a relative to another. Then your next concern would be the flashback you had about your dad and yourself, right? You might be overthinking things, although the thought that your dad might have sexually abused you could hold true, but it is not definite, is it not? I don’t think you’ll ever come to a final answer, but one thing you could do that would help yourself now is not to dwell on the past, and not to try to predict the future – live in the moment and live each day to the fullest.

It is not as easy as it sounds, but you will have to overcome what holds you back. Rest assured that you aren’t crazy, you might just be a little lost currently, and that’s everyone as well – it’s just how lost they are at the moment. I can relate to you, because I’m someone who can be stressed over the same issue for a long period of time, and being stuck is certainly not a pleasant feeling… I’ve learnt that sometimes feelings aren’t rational, and we will have to accept it. The matters of the heart are complicated 🙂

All in all, I feel that you’re someone brave with a strong sense of justice perhaps, which could be why you are feeling so worried. You’re fine. You aren’t terrible. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and you’ll be stronger after the phase of life. Recognize that your thoughts are intrusive and keep them at bay by engaging yourself with other tasks in life! Sending you love from Singapore xx