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Offensive comments on my looks. Beauty standards and confidence.

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  • #45475
    faber castell
    Participant

    I met a guy recently, we’ve become sort of friends I guess. He’s always talking about his relationships and primarily about beautiful women, he loves these perfect-faced women and he complains as how they’re not smart enough, etc., but can’t stop noticing them. I have always agreed on how beautiful they are but I honestly have never thought of love in such way, I don’t feel very pretty either even though I’ve dated some handsome men, but the people I’ve really fallen in love with have always been pretty standard, even not handsome at all.

    I started feeling like I wanted him to like me and I realized where this came from and just dismissed it. But last week we were talking about these girls and I said, you know? I think you have ridiculously high standards in terms of beauty and you’ll never find love thinking like that. And he answered, “well, if that was my only concern I wouldn’t be here with you.”

    OKAY. I asked him if he was telling me I was ugly, he said no, “but you’re just not one of them, I mean, you’re not *somegirl*, and I don’t get bothered when they don’t see me as Brad Pitt.” I kinda laughed with disgrace and he insisted on how he thought I was such a great girl and should not feel offended because he was not saying I was ugly and he had told my friends how he felt he could fall in love with me. Later he said that he thought that a combination of my brains and personality with *somegirl’s* face would be just the perfect & ideal woman. I answered him politely and said he was being truly offensive, that he should NEVER EVER again say that to a girl in his whole life especially because I was not comparing myself to anyone so I didn’t need some guy comparing me to other girls (which I could in all honesty find gorgeous myself) And I said: You know? If I were even close to liking you, you would’ve broken my heart. Good thing you didn’t pal!

    I acted as some casual friend but truth is I’ve been thinking about this more than I should and bdaaagghh. Last week the guy seemed just a superficial friend, and now -why, I don’t get this- I feel almost grateful that he found me slightly attractive and a girl to fall in love with. What’s wrong with me?!!! I’m afraid I’ll treat this guy in a way he doesn’t even deserve to be treated. As a “pal”? Is this better than showing him this was offensive to me? My question is, how would you think of someone who said this to you? Would you even bother in showing him this is not cool? would you stop being friends or something? Or what would you say to yourself? In a way I really feel he’s just an idiot and I shouldn’t pay attention, but man… I’ve felt like he told me something I’ve felt my whole life: that guys don’t really find me that attractive, that guys like him would never date me but at least this one felt that I was great? Good grief.

    Also I just broke up with my 4 year boyfriend, we were on long distance since january, so I guess that doesn’t help.

    #45539
    MC
    Participant

    This sounds EXACTLY like the last guy I recently dated… his standards, the things he said to me, that he also puts a lot of importance on my personality and intelligence or else he wouldn’t be with me, etc. The ressemblance is SO striking I’m actually wondering if it’s the same guy!! I was also VERY hurt. Unfortunately I kept on dating him, but I always felt SO insecure, my self esteem got so low dating him, that it drove us apart. My insecurities turned him off. But I should have walked away right there and then, when he started talking that way to me. He said he liked me and that he wanted to keep dating me because of my personality, but that he wasn’t all that attracted to my body (I’m not that fat at all, mind you). I never should have accepted that kind of thought. I wish someone else could tell him that he’s superficial (he tries to convince himself he isn’t, because he says he also puts much importance on intelligence and personality…”

    Anyway, he ended up breaking my heart. And now I have to find self confidence again. It was so wrong……

    #45540
    MC
    Participant

    I wish I could ask where you’re from?? (Country and province if you don’t wanna provide the city?)

    #45542
    Jade
    Participant

    Oh my gosh if a guy were to basically tell me “I have shallow standards that you don’t meet but I have decided to grace you with my attention and you should feel thankful” I would run so fast in the other direction. Sounds like he’s saying he’d “settle” for you. You don’t want someone who thinks they settled for you! You want to be with someone who considers themselves lucky and blessed to be with you. 🙂

    #45543
    faber castell
    Participant

    Dear MC, I’m sorry you dated that guy, that sounds awful! I don’t think I could ever go ahead from my own tears into kissing, having sex or anything else with someone who’d say that about my body, even if I were fat or not, whatever. It would only make me cry. This is all so awful, I’m so offended by all of this I can’t believe it actually affects me in any way. I’m already feeling guilty for being only friends with this one.

    I’m from Colombia, where are you from? I doubt this is the same guy, unfortunately, I guess there are plenty for all of us.

    #45544
    faber castell
    Participant

    Dear Jade: You are right, this guy is an ass, I don’t know if I should be talking to him at all, but he’s friends with my friends… ughh I don’t even want him to know that this affected me but on the other hand, why should he get no consequences from his stupid words? I thought by just clarifying I would never date him this would be settled, but is it my mistake to go on being “friends” with him?

    I also don’t consider myself any more than average but I do think there’s a chance of someone thinking and feeling I’m beautiful with some degree of sincerity, right? other guys I’ve dated have made me believe this at least. My ex boyfriend is not attractive, and I adored him, I loved many things about his face and body, his eyes were lovely but I always suffered so much when people treated him poorly or different because he wasn’t handsome. We could not get into bars, friends made comments about how we didn’t seem to have much chemistry (once I asked they would say it was only a matter of appearances), etc. People didn’t even know him! It was so unfair and i just tried my best to not feel like shit about this but I never could. We live in such shallow world that every time I dated some attractive douche they’d congratulate me without even talking to the guy. Wrong friends, wrong city, probably all of them. But is it also my problem?

    I was trying to explain to this shallow guy this particular situation when he questioned my intentions and sincerity for dating an unattractive guy, claiming I was obviously affected by the fact that he was not attractive, and that it probably didn’t work anyways because he wasn’t as attractive as me. He just made me feel like him. He compared our views. “You see? Everyone wants beauty in the end.” And isn’t this what this thread is about? I feel as lame as he is.

    #45548
    MC
    Participant

    You are so much better than that shallow guy…. and from your replies, you know real love and beauty. Not superficial beauty.
    He had lots of good qualities and is damaged… Maybe I took some of his comments too seriously. Once I had lost weight he said he thought I looked really good. But I wanted him to like me for my whole package, for who I am, regardless of the few extra pounds. He said he loved so many other things about me and that’s why he stuck around and that the prettier girls aren’t always as kind and smart as me. But I still couldn’t stop thinking about the fact he didn’t like my body, I was scared he would look elsewhere not being satisfied with me…. it crushed me 🙁

    We dated for a few months and we broke up last month. I still cry so much, I don’t even know why I miss him, we did have fun together. But the pressure was just so much… I don’t know who he tried to convince more by saying he wanted me to lose weight for myself, my health, me or himself. I just can’t keep crying as we speak, I’m so confused…. Reading your post just made my heart sink….

    Lol I don’t know why I thought it would have been the same guy…. the story was just so similar… I’m from Canada.

    #45549
    MC
    Participant

    I did cry often dating him. He was affectionate and caring… but I couldn’t brush off those comments. Re-reading your post though, the guy I dated did try to make me better about myself afterwards and at least didn’t compare me to other girls, and wouldn’t say things like “if only you looked like ***** then….”, so maybe not AS shallow. But it was still damaging, even if he said he never ever meant to hurt me and now feels bad. The damage is done though, and I always would be scared that he would leave me for a prettier or thinner girl, or would leave if I started to gain weight, or something…. He just put way too much importance on physical appearance if you ask me. He was a bit of a health freak though, maybe that’s why…
    ANyway, I don’t know why I try to make excuses for him… I guess it’s me always seeing the good in everyone even when they hurt me 🙁 Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like that.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by MC.
    #45603
    memm
    Participant

    Sounds to me that he’s just as confused as you are and is still figuring out what exactly he likes in the opposite sex. It’s possible he may even like you for your personality but be afraid of dating someone that doesn’t look like the kind of girls his friends are dating. That’s just insecurity and immaturity, so don’t even bother putting much stock into it.

    Here’s what I’ve noticed so far about “looks” (I’m a guy) they really are in the eye of the beholder, that’s not just a saying to make people feel better it’s actually quite true. For example the “somegirl” types that a lot of guys seem to find highly attractive I find quite displeasing to look at. I have a friend who seems to be a chic magnet and yet he’s going out with a girl that most people would consider very average.

    My point is; no matter who you are or what you look like, if you think of yourself as a supermodel or the ugliest person on earth, you will still be attractive to a lot of people and unattractive to a lot of people in a lot of different ways from personality to hair. So one person’s opinion on your looks or even one hundred opinions one way or the other means nothing at the end of the day.

    The only issue is that because of media’s portrayal of both sexes, it seems like a lot of people have forgotten what real people even look like. =P
    But that’s nothing new, looks are a fad like everything else, check out multimedia history and you will see. =]

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by memm.
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