Oh! Life you are complicated.

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This topic has 26 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 1 week ago by Tommy.

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July 20, 2024 at 12:09 pm #435171

anonymous
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Hi Helcat,

Thank you for your response.

Frankly speaking, I am still struggling. But I am working to come out of this situation to best of my abilities. I am still at my sister’s place. I have not been able to share my feelings with her. Maybe I will share with her when I feel comfortable. It is not an easy task for me to open up. But I am positive to visit a therapy and get some professional advice.

Hi Tommy,

Thank you for your straight forward advice. Please do not consider your advice as rude. I believe the straight forward conversation is the best advice. Thanks to your advice I have started to read books on Buddhism. However, there are times I feel really low and this takes the best out of me.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for checking on me. It feels nice to know there is someone whom I have not meet or seen but still takes time to think about others. I am thankful to you for this behavior.

I have started practicing meditation in the morning. It has helped me a bit. I shared few other things with my brother today and I cried during the whole conversation. I am thankful to him he patiently listened to me. I plan to gradually share my whole story with him. Never thought opening up would be that difficult.

Yes self abusing myself mentally was some sort of seeking redemption and trying to find solace.

Thank you all for taking time to go through my post and for your response.

July 20, 2024 at 12:32 pm #435172

anita
Participant

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome and thank you for your kindness and appreciation of me and your other responders!

“It is not an easy task for me to open up… I shared few other things with my brother today and I cried during the whole conversation. I am thankful to him he patiently listened to me. I plan to gradually share my whole story with him. Never thought opening up would be that difficult“- healing is in sharing with/ opening up to people who will listen to you patiently and respectfully. It will get easier with practice, you will see!

“I have started practicing meditation in the morning. It has helped me a bit“- any bit of help is a good thing.

Good reading back from you and hoping to read more. If it helps you to post here, please do, anytime you feel like it.

anita

July 20, 2024 at 9:36 pm #435181

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous

I’m sorry to hear that you are still struggling, it is understandable though, you have been through a lot. It is positive to hear that you are doing your best to get yourself out of this. I’m glad that you have someone to talk to about all of this and that your brother is being supportive. Telling him your full story sounds like a good idea. Great work on the meditation practice, that helped me a lot with depression too. I’m sure that you will share with your sister when you feel ready. It is good to hear that you are feeling more positive about seeking professional help.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

July 27, 2024 at 10:32 am #435431

anonymous
Participant

Hi Anita and Helcat,

Since my last post, I have continued meditation. I go for walk in the morning listening to music. I have continued journaling and continued reading book on Buddhism. I have continued sharing things with my brother. It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed.

I had a bad dream yesterday and the past things resurfaced. The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard. Whole day I was engulfed with it and by the end of the day I was really exhausted. The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain.

Hi Anita,

Today, I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems.

Posting here soothes me as it has helped me to open myself and express my feelings.

Hi Helcat,

I am still at my sister’s place and going back to my place in two weeks time. I am positive about seeking professional help once I go back to my place. I am aware that I need to get out of this mess as it has destroyed moments of my life. I was going through old photos in my phone. All I could remember in those pics was thinking to end my life.

One query though, with you therapy did you relapse after some sessions of treatment? Only answer if you are comfortable sharing it.

Thank you for going through my post.

July 27, 2024 at 8:26 pm #435438

Tommy
Participant

It is quite a journey to find oneself. When we meditate, we do not fight the thoughts. We do not push them away. What we do is to allow them their space and let them go. Thoughts will flow in and out. Our work begins by not attaching ourselves to those thoughts. To not follow them. To not feel them. And then when you can concentrate, you pay attention to your actions. Your intentions. May sound easy but it wasn’t for me. Because to me, I was those thoughts. Anguish, pain, suffering, all came from those thoughts. My sense of self was wrapped in those thoughts. Desires came from those thoughts. So, when I learned to let them go. To not be a part of them. I found what is left is me. Don’t get me wrong. I do not walk around with0ut a thought in my head. I use thoughts. Emotions and thoughts may control me, part of the time. But, I am learning to be myself. To use thoughts as a tool rather than as an identity.

This I believe is the key to living a better life. Yes, there are plenty of regrets and memories that haunt me. But, I am growing and becoming more myself without the losing myself in emotions and thoughts which have no benefit to me. I hope you will take this as a map to lead you forward in your search for peace. Wishing you the best.

July 28, 2024 at 4:22 am #435444

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous

I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough day. It doesn’t undermine all of the hard work and progress that you have been making.

I’m glad that you are feeling hopeful about therapy when you go home.

Hmm well therapy for me was all about processing trauma. It isn’t necessarily an easy thing. The memories themselves are difficult. But the only way through pain is through it. And as you process each thing it hurts a little less.

There are ups and downs for sure. I relapsed after being raped and had another relapse after withdrawing from mental health medication and becoming severely ill. More recently I had a relapse after having a baby. Life has challenges and it can be difficult to manage these things with a history of trauma. But therapy gives you the tools to bounce back and find a way to get on track again.

I honestly thought I would be dead by the time I was 30. Instead I am alive and have a family. That is a beautiful thing.

Tommy is right about thoughts. It is easier said than done, but in time with practice you can get there.

The way that I think about suicidal thoughts is that there is a desire for the pain to stop. But there are other ways to help manage the pain. You are starting a healing journey to figure out other ways to help manage the pain.

Keep on expressing yourself and posting. Keep on communicating with your brother. Enjoy meditation, learning about Buddhism, your morning walks and listening to music.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

July 28, 2024 at 4:33 am #435445

Helcat
Participant

I hope you don’t mind if I share something that I learned as a result of meditation. The only difference between happiness and depression is a state of mind. You can be in the exact same situation and feel completely differently. You can be walking in a park ignoring the world around you caught up in the darkness of your own thoughts. Or you can be walking in the same park and appreciating the beautiful sun set.

Meditation helped me to open up some space in my mind. Just having space between dark thoughts can give enough time to appreciate the good things in life. And the goal is to widen that space so you can let in more of the good stuff.

July 28, 2024 at 7:24 am #435453

anita
Participant

Dear anonymous:

Good to read that since your last post you continued meditation, journaling and sharing with your brother, that you are reading about Buddhism, walking in the mornings, and that sharing here has helped you!

“It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed… The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard… The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain“- the negative thoughts are connected to intense painful emotions in your brain. Imagine thinking the same thoughts but without the emotions attached to them. Imagine thoughts no longer being dangerous or scary; thoughts no longer being a source of pain.

Can you imagine that?

“I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems“- did you ask him if he feels being dragged into your problems?

Do you think that limiting the amount of time per share, or the number of shares per day or per week, is a good idea?

anita

July 30, 2024 at 5:29 am #435561

anonymous
Participant

Hi Tommy,

Yes, you are right. Meditation does not seem easy. While meditating those thoughts come back and I end up fighting with them. I have been reading book on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. While the book provides simple way to bring mind into the body, practicing it seems a challenge and I get swayed. I find peace for few minutes then the momentum breaks which I do not realise.

Hi Helcat,

Yes, you are right on “The only difference between happiness and depression is a state of mind”. While for a certain moment I have this feeling and I feel calm. Then there are triggers and I get engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and helplessness. Waking up in the morning is the worst time for me and all I feel is getting scared, anxious and helplessness.

Thank you sharing your experience on therapy. I am sorry for the pain you have endured.

Hi Anita,

”the negative thoughts are connected to intense painful emotions in your brain. Imagine thinking the same thoughts but without the emotions attached to them. Imagine thoughts no longer being dangerous or scary; thoughts no longer being a source of pain”. I have not given thought about this. But will give it a try.

Yes, I have asked my brother about his feelings about me sharing my feelings. He has assured me that he is fine with that. In fact, he regularly checks me on his own and ask about my feelings. May be this is just me overthinking about it.

Thank you all for taking time to go through my post and for your response. There are few moments when I feel relaxed and posting here is one of them.

July 30, 2024 at 7:02 am #435566

anita
Participant

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome! “While meditating those thoughts come back and I end up fighting with them… While for a certain moment I… feel calm. Then there are triggers and I get engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and helplessness. Waking up in the morning is the worst time“- your brain is in the habit of getting engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt and shame. It is difficult to break habits. It takes persistence and patience. It’s about extending the moments of calm over time.

About shame, can you elaborate on how it feels, for you, what thoughts are involved in the feeling?

anita

July 30, 2024 at 2:43 pm #435607

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous

I’m glad to hear that you’re relaxed when you’re writing here.

You mentioned that anxiety is worse for you in the morning. What do your bed time and morning routine’s look like? Sometimes people imagine all of the things that they have to do. Do you do that? I’m curious about what the hardest part for you in the morning is?

Thank you for your kind words! It is okay, I have learned that sometimes bad experiences can have surprising outcomes even if it does take a long time to learn what it might be. If I had not been raped, I would not have met my husband. If I hadn’t had health issues I wouldn’t have matured enough to be a good mother and I would have struggled even more so with the process of recovering from a c-section. At the end of the day, I like being a mother and love my son. So with downs come ups.

A tip that helped me a lot for learning to meditate is to do it when already somewhat relaxed, if possible. Some people recommend short practice sessions (a couple of minutes) and building up to longer ones. I was the opposite though and needed to do it for around 30 minutes because it took me a long time to relax when I started. I wish you good luck figuring it all out! It does get easier, I promise just keep at it. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

July 30, 2024 at 9:15 pm #435616

Tommy
Participant

It took quite a bit of practice for me to understand how my mind works. That those thoughts came up but not alone. Emotions, fears, identity, attachments. Yes, we become attached to those memories and feelings. We roll them over and over again in our minds. Meditation practice allows us to regain control. To reset the order of the mind so we are in control. Yes, those thoughts and feelings will return, the trick is to let them go. Do not react. Do not attach yourself to them. Do not identify with them. Then, your mind will return to seeing your actions and their intent. Your awareness will grow. And soon, those thoughts will not plague you. They will come and they will go. No attachment. Then you will be able to feel anew. Me?, I am still working on it. I know the work ahead. Just keep at it and life will get better. Wishing you the best. Hoping that you will find in yourself that which exist in all of us.
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