Dear Peter:

Yesterday, I considered discussing politics with you, but I decided against it. Even if you’re interested (and I should ask you first), it’s probably not the best idea given that this is a public forum.

It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by anxiety and hopelessness, especially when it is difficult to distinguish between your own feelings and those you absorb from others. This heightened sensitivity can be, in different contexts, a gift or a curse.

Witnessing unkindness, particularly from those close to us, can be deeply disheartening. It’s important to remember that while we can’t control others’ actions, we can control our responses and strive to create a more compassionate and empathetic environment in our own lives.

Kierkegaard’s quote resonates with the idea of longing for a future that feels out of reach. It’s a powerful reminder of the pain that can come from unmet expectations and dreams.

Langston Hughes: “What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore—And then run?”

Oscar Wilde: “The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

A little poem for you, Peter:

Regret may linger, shadows of past,
But strength lies within, steadfast and vast.
For every setback, a chance to rise,
A beacon of hope, in tearful eyes.

The whispers of dreams, they never cease,
In moments of quiet, find your peace.
Though paths may twist, and storms may rage,
Your story unfolds, on life’s grand stage.

Each step a story newly told,
In dreams unmet, a spirit bold.

anita

Dear Peter:

I want to share something with you this Friday morning that’s closely related to the topic of “Feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad,” specifically the progression from Primary Emotion to Secondary Emotion to Tertiary Emotion:

Last night, I became emotional and shared with someone about my childhood experience with my mother—a memory I’ve mentioned in the forums several times. In this memory, two adult women were holding her back as she struggled to break free, intending to murder me (her word, “murder”). I expressed anger, a primary emotion, along with sadness for the girl I was and fear of my mother once the two adults left, leaving me alone with the mother-monster. It was a smooth expression of emotions and thoughts.

This morning, I woke up and remembered last night. Something strange hit me: I didn’t feel embarrassment or shame (secondary emotions), nor did I feel self-doubt, like I was making it up or exaggerating, nor did I feel guilt for portraying my mother negatively (tertiary emotions).

However, as I typed the word “monster” above, I did feel guilt for referring to her as a monster, thinking of times she wasn’t one. I erased the word, then thought to myself that in that specific memory, she really was a monster, so I retyped the word.

I can now see how damaging secondary and tertiary emotions are when it comes to processing and healing from traumatic past experiences. Without these extra emotions, the primary emotion of anger regarding the memory stands alone—seen, recognized, felt, valid, uninterrupted, and unmasked by the extra emotions.

My anger finally stands on its own: I feel angry. I am no longer Feeling-confused-about-feeling-guilty-about-feeling-angry. The memory of the event is different now than it has been for half a century. It is no longer shrouded in a fog of emotions that don’t belong with the memory. Now, only the emotions that truly belong are present: fear, anger, shock, hurt, and empathy for the little girl that I was.

This development wouldn’t have happened without your words yesterday, “Feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad.” Thank you, Peter.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad my example resonated with you and helped illustrate the concept. The “infinite loop divided by 0” is such an apt metaphor for the trap we fall into with compounded negative emotions.

Your reference to Buddha’s concept of Maya is deeply insightful. It does seem like one of the ways we create our own illusions and suffering. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them.

I appreciate your reflections and the wisdom you bring to our conversations.

anita