Hi Maria…

I hope that as you read this, many of life’s good things are embracing you and that they bring you peace, love, and happiness.

There are many things going on in his life that are destructive to himself as well as to others. And there is a comment that you made about him that will only serve to nurture those behaviors, but I will reserve that for a later comment. You said, “he does not do any kind of job..he earns money from gambling/betting.He smokes, drinks and sometimes abusing also…” Although he does not have any kind of job, his gambling only serves to activates the brain’s reward mechanism, thus giving him a “rush” sensation. There is very strong data that supports a closer relationship between pathological gambling and substance abuse disorders. In the absence of treatment for pathological gambling, as one continues to become more involved with gambling, the more difficult it becomes to overcome, as the “rush”, the excitement becomes an enjoyable stimulation. Gambling addiction is a very serious problem as many families are destroyed by it. There are only 2 things that come out of smoking…(1) making tobacco companies and their C.E.O.’s rich and (2) it results in many very, very serious diseases such as cancer, vascular disease, heart attacks, strokes etc. Not only does the smoke that he inhales continues to do serious damage to his life, believe it or not the second hand smoke that you and others inhale is also very dangerous in that not only do you inhale the smoke coming off the end of the cigarette, you also inhale the smoke that is exhaled. A common misconception is that the exhaled is harmless. Some of the chemicals in cigarettes that cause cancer are benzene. This is a natural component of petroleum chemicals which is an important compound in gasoline. Another is arsenic, which is used in the production in pesticides. Beryllium is yet another harmful component found in cigarette smoke. It is desirable material used in aircraft, missile, satellite, and spacecraft production. Long term exposure to this can lead to chronic life-threatening diseases. Formaldehyde and lead, just to name a few more, are very present in cigarette smoke. Questions about what cigarette smoke puts out are, do you think that cigarettes have any value in your life? Is this something that you need to put into your body? The drinking…just another useless substance that, as it gets out of control and becomes a routine part of someone’s life, it is destructive. It only has harmful physical and psychological damage as it becomes more addictive. Alcohol is the judge, jury, and executioner. And while you may think these are things that affect only his life, nothing could be farther from the truth. Believe it or not, sooner or later these things will affect your life and the lives of others around him. Are these things something that you are willing to accept? As for the abuse, you said, “sometimes he abuses on me also..but i generaly dont react as i know it is his habit.” Abuse, on ANY level, whether it be verbal or physical, is not acceptable. Your parents disapprove of your relationship with him for obvious reasons, the unhealthy addictive personality he has. For them to approve of him, and YOU as well, is to accept his abusive behavior. Is this really acceptable to you? Apparently it is when you said, “i am ready to accept him as he is.” To me, when somebody says ‘I accept you as you are’, is to accept sameness. To me, if someone is the same, they are not changing. I do not accept my g/f as she is because she is always learning, always wanting to change for the better. To accept someone who does not want to change in order to learn and be a better person, is to accept routine, boring, sameness stuck in the limitations of not growing.

I am not going to apologize for what may seem to be a harsh opinion that I have. It never ceases to amaze me how people are so willing to nurture an abusive personality, whether it be someone else’s or yourself. My opinion is not meant to be made gentle. I PROMISE you is out of tough love. I think you should take what Jeff has to offer and strongly consider it. It is tempting to take what someone offers you as advice, to say ‘yes but’. To me, when someone says this (the yes but comment), what they are doing is trying to devalue the advice that one gives and place more emphasis on what you believe. Maria PLEASE consider what is said to you, either here or what your parents say. The devil is in the details. But please do not take what Jeff, myself, and others offer as an assault on you. We are very caring people who are throwing you a lifeline.

Maria,

This is very unhealthy behavior on his part, the gambling, and especially the abusing. He can say he will change all he wants, and he “loves you, but this is not love. Willpower alone will not stop these very destructive behaviors. He needs some kind of intervention, such as Psychotherapy, anger management, Gamblers Anonymous. Unless he gets professional help for these issues, they only get worse. I fear for your safety.

Please get to a safe place, and do not have any contact with him until he gets the help he needs. He is a very unhealthy and dangerous man.

Dear Maria,

“For me, love can make anything happen.” -> this statement is not true.  I get the feeling that you might have never experience a real mature love before this one, what I mean by mature love is the kind of love that turns you into a better person instead of damaging you. How come that there is so much “love and understanding” in an abusive relationship with an abusive person? Such relationships that you had described… are not consistent with his behaviour. Your parents wants the best for you. There must be an actual logical reasons of why your parents doesn’t approve. Please consider this relationship. The reason why you cannot see the “direction” is not because you do not know which way to go, you actually know deep down inside, and that is why you’re here. To just make sure. You know that this relationships will not work, you just do not have the courage to let it go. I wish you the best, Maria.

-Mina