Home→Forums→Relationships→On being compassionate to a harmful person to you
- This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by David.
-
AuthorPosts
-
July 15, 2015 at 10:11 pm #79929DavidParticipant
Hello everyone, Dave from Costa Rica again.
A few months ago I was very sad and in a painful situation with my family. Recently I got the opportunity to move to a different place and start again.
I was playing with my dog when suddenly a question popped up in my mind: what does buddhism ask from us when it comes to being compassionate to someone who caused you pain, sadness and sorrow?. I took as an example the nun Ani Choying Drolma who said that her father was a great teacher for her, she went through a lot of suffering with him and I can’t tell how does she overcame that with compassion. I can understand the idea of forgive them but when it comes to see them again, how do you “pour” compassion and love over them and over your wounds without getting stuck on the pain cycle that they carry with themselves.
Thank you all in advance for all your support, advise and friendship.
Wish you the best;
Dave
July 16, 2015 at 12:52 am #79934J2BSAParticipantHi Dave,
Great question and one I am struggling with myself at this moment. At the beginning of 2015, I ended a 4 year relationship which involved continuous and increasing levels of emotional abuse and displays of aggression. I am committed to a process of healing and growth- focusing on me and building self-love, self-esteem, and better personal boundaries. I decided to go complete no contact with my ex, following advice from friends/family, and my therapist. This has helped me a lot. However, I struggle with this question of having compassion for him (my-ex). In my case, I believe having compassion for him inside of me- my thoughts and feelings about him and why he treated me as he did- is enough. I don’t need to share that with him directly, as unfortunately, he has not changed and his path is not aligned to my path, and he will only hurt me further. I realise this situation is very particular and probably doesn’t answer your question, in cases where one must be in regular contact with the person who causes one hurt. But, in the spirit of this great forum, I wanted to share my experience and belief with respect to the “internal” process – holding that person in a place of compassion within your mind and heart. I also have a VERY troubled relationship with my mother who we (sibblings) believe is narcissistic. This case is much more complicated, as I cannot (and I guess do not want) avoid continuing contact, some form of relationship with her. I still struggle to feel compassion for her when she resorts to her pain-inducing behaviors, but I find the following helps: 1. Limit my contact with her; 2. Before I meet/speak with her, talk to myself and kindly remind myself I cannot (nor should I) try to change her (she is the way she is) and prepare myself mentally for our encounter so I can cope with whatever she throws/delves out; 3. During the encounter, I try and stay very aware of my feelings when with her (sensations I feel, my breathing etc) and separate myself from them (like an outside observer), and if I struggle to do this I simply remind myself again she has no control over her behaviour and I should not take it personally. 4. After the encounter- I do not allow myself to dwell on any negativity from the encounter OR release/replace it with positive feelings, by doing something I love doing (photo-walk, hill-walking, meet a good friend, or sibbling. I struggle with all of this still, but I find more and more I manage to retain a feeling of compassion for her, whilst maintaining my own personal boundaries. I think this is the important part to all of this. Having compassion does not mean you lay down your protective boundaries. It just means you no longer hold resentful or negative feelings towards the person, give them some of your time (if that is what YOU want to do), and realise you have control over how you allow or don’t allow their behaviour/words/actions to affect you. This is my belief and approach to your question and I have taken a VERY LONG time to get here but I feel free , empowered and happy.July 16, 2015 at 3:04 am #79937InkyParticipantHi David,
I remind myself that hurt people hurt people. If you were truly filled with love, joy, hope and faith, you would never THINK of hurting another person! So for someone to do that to you, on any level, has a lot of STUFF that has nothing to do with you.
I won’t lie to you. It’s hard. It’s tough.
Yet if you saw that person in the ER with a gunshot wound, dying, and you were the one on call that night, you wouldn’t HESITATE to save that person’s life.
The rest is commentary, and an inside job.
When you see the person face to face again, be polite. Nothing more, nothing less.
Best,
Inky
July 16, 2015 at 8:27 am #79948AnonymousGuestDear David:
What does Buddhism ask us regarding being compassionate to people who have hurt us?
The Dalai Lama, perhaps the… symbol of Buddhism in the Western World, has a lot to say about compassion and forgiveness. But you can google that. There are lots of people who identify themselves as Buddhists and they may have different takes on it. I do not identify myself as a Buddhist at all so I do not know if you are interested in my take on it.
I will share it with you anyway- I find this topic very interesting to me- and would love it if you/ the reader of this thread take the topic further and further.
My take: when you are IN the situation where someone is hurting you and you can not physically escape, it is helpful to feel compassion for the one who hurts you- and people do that all the time- because it reduces the anxiety, makes it more likely that the abuser will feel sorry for you and stop hurting you. It increases the chances of such happening (far from preventing it).
If you are OUT of the situation and the two of you, abused and abuser sat together and processed the PAST, the abuser showed true remorse and offered restitution that you accepted and depending on the nature and length of the abuse, and the sincerity and length of the restitution, if you are able to let go of the anger- yes, it is possible.
If you are OUT of the situation and the abuser did not show true remorse, did not even bring the topic, it was never processed, no restitution offered… if the abuse was substantial and long ter, repeatitive (not a one time thing)- then yes, I believe the abuser deserves compassion in most cases ONLY NOT BY THE ABUSED.
I too had a narcissitic mother, an abusive mother. I struggled with this topic for a long, long time. I ended contact with her completely in my early fifties… and still felt guilty. I finally figured it out: yes, she does deserve compassion because she did suffer so very much when she was a child and all her life, much of her suffering due to her unskilled ways of living- as in unskilled ways of dealing with me, her daughter- she does deserve compassion and I hope she gets it-
ONLY NOT MY OWN.
My job is to HEAL myself. I was stuck in my hurt and in my anger because I felt empathy for her. so much empathy that I placed her first and negated myself. Empathy for her was HARMFUL for me. So I don’t engage in it anymore, at least this is my intention. This way I can feel empathy for myself and for others. Let someone else do this job, not me.
anita
July 16, 2015 at 9:48 am #79951AlexParticipantI understand you, and I forgive you – who you are no longer affects who I am.
July 16, 2015 at 9:49 am #79952InkyParticipantYeah, I agree that we are put upon twice ~ once by being hurt, and twice by being expected to be the ones to forgive. How about this, world?: that s/he asks for our forgiveness and doesn’t hurt us in the first place??
July 16, 2015 at 1:15 pm #79961DavidParticipantHello everyone, thanks for replying this thread.
It’s very interesting to read about all your experiences with so many people in your life. My current situation is to deal with an alcoholic uncle, my grandma who suffers of Alzheimer and generally, a very broken family.
I think if someone asks me to put my feelings for them on words would be very difficult indeed, I’m concerned about my grandma since she was like a second mother for me but with my uncle it’s a very different story. My mom once told that since I was child I didn’t like him, always hide or ran when he went to visit her. When I grew up, I was forced to live on my grandma’s house, along with him. His wife renounced to their relationship since my uncle with his alcohol problems was turning aggresive on she and her daughter.
He began his cycle with me again, he drinks, he starts to yell at me telling some very hard stuff and three times tried to hit me.I found interesting that since I like the concept of compassion from Buddhism, but it’s like a boundary for me, I can’t help but feeling myself stuck with him on my “compassion”, I understand he had a very tough life and he does need help, but the times I tried to help him, he just explode and it always end badly. Does compassion/empathy for him can be expressed just by being polite, understanding his suffering but protecting myself from him by don’t letting him to get close to me (I must visit my grandmother daily)?. I’ve always been very bad at saying what I think, especially with him who gets angry when you tell him the truth (that’s why he tried to hit me before). I see a lot of self-pitty on him and I can understand that it’s his way to ask for “love” but I realized that I can’t help him.
What do you guys think?. Sharing this is helping me sooo much, I’m really grateful to you all.
Dave
July 17, 2015 at 3:54 am #79989J2BSAParticipant“Does compassion/empathy for him can be expressed just by being polite, understanding his suffering but protecting myself from him by don’t letting him to get close to me (I must visit my grandmother daily)?”
In my case with my mother, that is exactly how I apply my “compassion”. I am polite and listen to her, but only in so much as I can maintain my own protective boundary. When I find this is being crossed by her, or I am no longer able to withstand her behavior or words, I simply speak with someone else if there is another person in the room or leave/end the conversation politely if we are alone. I don’t know your uncle so I am not sure whether this would work in your case. But, sometimes , as in my case (so far), it is possible to deal “compassionately”, with someone who causes you pain whilst protecting your boundaries. In other cases, however, it will not be (as is the case with my abusive ex). We all find our own way and no two ways are the same, nor one more right than the other.
The important thing to remember in all of this is that the fact you are searching for the answer to this important question, already shows you are indeed a “compassionate” person.
July 17, 2015 at 8:49 am #80005AnonymousGuestDear David:
How is your uncle harmful to you presently? How do you feel about him?
anita
July 17, 2015 at 5:34 pm #80024DavidParticipantHello again 🙂
Today I went to pay visit to my grandma, my uncle was there too (drunk as always). I put in practice what you told me LDR, Inky, Alex and Anita, the whole experience was different. I felt more comfortable and when he tried to talk I gave him a polite answer and went to the backyard to plant some hot chili seeds, my grandma loves planting stuff. For the first time I experienced some sort of freedom and separation from the current situation at the family house.
About my uncle’s harmful behaviour: I think the verbal offense is his “best weapon”, he often bully at me for being gay (it actually doesn’t hurt me) but when it comes to insult my mother or yell at my grandmother the situation becomes very tense and let’s say, toxic. He just wants to create the perfect moment to start a fight.
I wish I can continue to develop more this new capacity in me, thank you all for teaching me.
Regards;
Dave
July 19, 2015 at 11:48 am #80094Jo Lynn TanParticipantHi David
What can you do in such situation that allows you to protect yourself physically/emotionally and be sure enough that you can still do your part as an affectionate grandchild? That is a tough one.
What can we do when we feel that we are in a dilemma between many different priorities?
I find that it is necessary to see it in many ways than just compassion. Be grateful that you grow up well away from alchoholism. Be grateful about what you have become. Gratitude is one of the most powerful presence you can have.I do not know the full details of what you are going through. But I always practice my personal boundary beyond what I can actually do and what is beyond what I can possibly influence.
Compassion is also about letting go and focus on kindness. Continue to share and talk about it. Let it go. Get it out of your system. Writing about it is a good start.
Rgds
Jo LynnJuly 21, 2015 at 10:11 am #80175DavidParticipantHello!
Jo, I must say that your comment was a very accurate, it actually touched me. I think my boundary to him was to think over and over again about the situation, like if detachment and compassion were two different things.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, I’m really grateful.
Dave
-
AuthorPosts