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On the wrong track with dating

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  • #69387
    GoneGirl
    Participant

    Maybe someone can relate to this, who knows, but somehow I feel like for the past 15 years I’ve been sabotaging my own love life big time. Now, my basic character is super analytical, sensitive and introverted. For as long as I remember I’ve had a very scared approach to men. When I was younger, I remember I was receiving some queries for my phone number, some awkward texts from guys trying to approach me and all of those, regardless of the person, have made me panic and reject them. I am a definite commitment phobe and need a lot of space, but still… why do I always freak out? I’m great at being a platonic friend, but once someone enters a more intimate territory, I shut them off. Sometimes even if I felt something for them. I remember there was the only guy that I was interested in high school. We circled around each other for a good year and a half (meeting at common activities and parties. Making out a few times.) and when he finally asked me out on an official date, I blew him off by saying that I was already going out with friends (I could have easily rescheduled that). I was terrified and later thought what a fool I had been. Now he is a married father of two.

    I’ve had two longer relationships, which always started as a friendship first. I guess that way I got to examine them and develop a safe relationship with them first. I never dated and am absolutely awkward with it. I’ve given it a try now, but it is just too much of a downer when a guy who you had fun with doesn’t want to see you again. I guess I have to learn the rules, that even if you get along you cannot have them as a friend. There is a difference there.

    A year ago I met a guy that I completely fell for. Surprisingly we met at a party in a bar and just danced for a while. He was not too aggressive but showed interest in a way that appealed to me. We saw each other a good few times, went to sporting events, movies etc. Took it slow. It took him a good while to initiate closeness (meeting 6 or 7) and when he did it was in a cute and shy way that totally suited me. I thought I had found someone. I was drawn to the fact that he seemed equally shy, insecure and awkward. Sadly it didn’t work out in the end and now I am stupidly heart broken still after a good while. He basically kept me hanging with occasional texts and aloofness, suggesting to meet but never following through. I then confronted him and demanded him to just be honest about what is going on. He then said he doesn’t want anything with me. Of course I felt bad about having come across as too needy and crazy, but I guess I just needed to hear that to be able to move on from an obvious dead end. I’m still going through the whole situation and figuring out where I might have gone wrong. I realize that I just need to loosen up and relax and that I cannot control everything. However, I also think I blow things with guys I’m really into because I gather too many expectations and make the poor guy work too hard. Earlier on I had rejected his suggestion to come over because I didn’t want to be a bootycall. But what is wrong with that if you kinda want it too!? I probably come across as a controlling prudish woman instead of a fun and feminine girl.

    So how can I relax, feel more confident and stop destroying my own love life before it even has a chance to blossom?!?!

    #69393
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi 1815gonegirl,

    I think everyone knows 100 people. And therefore those 100 people know 10,000 people. And of those 10,000 people there has to be at the VERY least 100 eligible bachelors that you could date. You will be taken seriously because you guys are share common friends of friends. There is a safety net because of the friends of friends thing too. You’ll be more relaxed and both have something to talk about right off the bat!

    Just put out there to friends, your family’s friends, your neighbors, your family, work people, church people, etc. that you are single and do they know anyone?

    You’ll be surprised.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #69458
    Fritz
    Participant

    Hey 1815gonegirl! 🙂

    Thank you for sharing, I think sharing on this site is a great step for you, because I think practicing opening up and not worrying so much about what other people think of you, is a great step forward in building your confidence. Fact: there is not a soul on this planet, regardless of how beautiful, or intelligent, or successful, that has not experienced some form of self-doubt, or insecurity in their lives. The only difference, among us, is how we approach these feelings about ourselves. The fact that you are on the path to recognizing that you want to live feeling more positive about yourself is a great step, and shows a lot about the person that you really are.

    Myself, through my teens and early 20s, was very insecure, and very unwilling to let men in, because was so afraid of being judged, or called out on my insecurities. But when i realized that everyone in their lifetime has had some form of experience with feeling insecure-is when my outlook changed to see and believe, that we are ALL on the same equal footing, and that someone is not better than me because, in my head, i just don’t equate to other people. It works the same way, when you are not only able to see this within yourself, but among other people-that we can carry the empathy for other people, that we all share this common ground, and that we can become greater people by stopping comparisons between ourselves and other people. It is so easy to get caught up in doubting our self worth, when we equate it with our success in the dating world, or friendship world, or any world.

    Gaining confidence, in my own life, has not been an overnight process. It has been a process of self love. It doesn;t mean you need to turn into an arrogant person, or person that think they are better than other people-that’s not what i mean. If anything, I think going through this experience, will make you an even more approachable and real person. Real people all over the world feel the same insecurities you do. What i am sensing from you, is that your anxieties of opening up to the world, is that the world will unveil you as being insecure, and unworthy. We are so hard on our souls. We could never be so hard on other people. Before you seek the love and acceptance you desire from other people, who need to desire it for yourself, and believe it.

    Please watch this video, and be sure to watch the end portion featuring the amazing Natalie Paterson, among many of her poems that she shares on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybvzMXO65Vk
    🙂
    All the best to you!

    #69846
    girlinwonderment
    Participant

    Honey, you did the right thing. You would not be able to handle a bootycall if you’re heart is involved already. YOU get to chose the booty call not him…that’s the way it works…in my book anyways.

    Keep on dating…you will find the one that suits you just right.

    #69852
    Banu Sekendur
    Participant

    Hello Gonegirl,
    We all have patterns in relationships and sabotaging connections with potential partners is very common. It has to do with our early attachment (anxious or secure) and the attachment we had with our caregivers ends up getting repeated in romantic pursuits. No exceptions. and you are not alone. Expectation gets a bad rap. To me, expectations are needs that are communicated poorly it misunderstood. We don’t voice them because our inner child assumes that she/he would be too much (just like she did when she was a kid) or that she doesn’t deserve to have it. I recently published a post here on TB on finding your ideal partner (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/key-finding-ideal-partner-life/) and I think it might benefit you in attracting the right partner. Don’t give up and make it a sob story but a collection of experiences that helped you understand your patterns. You can work through this!
    Warmly,
    Banu

    #69889
    GoneGirl
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind and insightful comments. I’m going to start off the New Year with introspection and practice to love myself and try to break the belief that relationships are something that happen to other people and not me. I realize I have a lot of work ahead.
    One thing still keeps on puzzling me though. The guy I mentioned told me he missed me. I said I do too, but that I am a bit confused about the whole situation and suggested we meet (instead of text). He however said he’s busy and never suggested another time. That’s what made me flip and confront him (and appear crazy). I know there is no use in giving this anymore thought, but really…one cannot but wonder, why bother saying such empty words in the first place…

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