Hey. It’s the first time I went to this forum. I didn’t find the right topic, so created one on my own. Sorry if that’s annoying. Just want to share my story because I’m emotionally lost. My heart is like the drums of Mordor. Please bear with me for a few paragraphs. Just before Christmas my girlfriend left me. After almost eight years of being together. She was my first serious girlfriend, we became adults together. I loved her with all my heart, we had fantastic moments, first times that I cherished a lot. She’s the closest person to me that I ever had. Was my lover, best friend and partner since high school. Of course through the years we had some difficult patches, occasional but short break ups. We were learning how to solve the problems between us the hard way. At first I used to initiate these pauses in our relationship. Somehow it felt like I wanted some distance because I was not used to spend so much time together with other person. And yet I was always determined to fix damaged things and not to leave them behind or dump them. I was always ready to talk it out and change for the better. Except that I found it extremely hard to change. I guess we went through a lot of struggle to find time to be together, I went to med school and spending my evenings studying or working night shifts in my uni hospital. I seem to become a bit detached and emotionally distant with higher workload or in stressful situations and that made her feel insecure.

1.5 years ago she left me because I didn’t spend enough time with her and didn’t want to move in her apartment yet. She felt neglected due to my emotional distance. It was the end of the world to me, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think about anything else but her. I felt guilty for not listening to her needs, although I truly didn’t understand those needs. But I felt sure of my feelings for her, made a promise to myself that I will marry her if I will get her back. And I tried. The romantic things that movies taught me were applied to real life. I’m a sucker for romance and silly ways to show love. And I managed to get another chance. I was so sure of myself that I wouldn’t screw this one up. But with time all this “life” thing just got more complicated.

In the end of my final years in university it became clear that the only way to fulfill my dream of becoming a surgeon is to go abroad (the medical system is full of nepotism and utter shit here). For six years minimum. I was trying to convince her to go with me, to start a family together from a scratch. To create our own traditions and so on. Her parents were very not supportive of this possibility and tried to talk her out of this. Her father is the one who makes all the decisions in her family and both my ex and her brother are working in his business. From time to time during gatherings of her family side I felt that her father isn’t even interested in a possibility for her to leave with me. So I started to avoid visiting them. This is the main reason why I didn’t want to move into my girlfriend’s apartment. Her parent bought it for her. And it’s located in the same house as her parents live in. I told her that I don’t want to live like some kind of a gigolo (I didn’t have any income, since I was still studying and didn’t have a job) in her parents’ apartment. I still feel stupid and egoistic because of this decision. I just wanted to make things between us”righteous”.  Since she has a very strong bond with her parents and all the family, I failed to communicate my frustration to her. I was scared that she would leave me instantly if I would ask her plainly: “Are you going with me or not?” so I tried to talk her into leaving with me step by step. I tried spending as much time as possible with her, but lately our relationship became somewhat colder. I didn’t notice it and thought that it may pass in a while. She stopped learning the language, started questioning my choice of career so my plans of proposing to her were paused. Two emotionally colder months later she bought a puppy. I became nervous since I wasn’t sure if dogs would be allowed in the apartment abroad. We get into a small quarrel about training that dog, she got angry and didn’t want to talk to me for a while. I began feeling unhappy with our relationship. So many things that we didn’t have enough courage to discuss. So, next week I went to her place to apologize, ready to pour my heart out about all the problems we didn’t talk about and she left me.

She told me she doesn’t want to leave her family because she understands family as a larger concept. And that her feelings for me are gone. I can’t understand how someone can stop loving so quick. Or maybe she was gathering her courage to leave me for some time? From that moment it felt like I moved to live underwater. Everything around me moved slowly, every thought was sticky, dark and weighted a ton. Almost two months later I’m trying my best to get myself on track again. I started bouldering and I’m loving it, reconnected with old friends, started working on my neglected projects. But every moment I feel alone. Guilty. I still love her. I feel that she is unhappy too, but scared of the future. I want to explain to her, to show her that there’s nothing to be afraid of. I want to apologize for not being the perfect partner, for my selfishness, for my concentration on my job. I want to show her that she is very dear to me, that I love her. The fighter in me every single day gets uneasy. I sent her a letter, I messaged her, I emailed her, I called her. When I called her from a different number I was greeted with “oh god, it’s you. I am not interested in what you want to say, leave me alone!” It was like burning fire to me. I left her alone but every moment I am constantly worried that I didn’t do enough for her to choose me instead of her family, which is very controlling. I feel ashamed of myself for not showing enough attention to her during the hard times, guilty for not proposing to her earlier. I can’t understand that other person doesn’t want to mend things again. Recently I learned that her brother and his fiance tried to persuade her to leave me even earlier. I know that as a brother he has a right to be protective of his younger sister, but I am no threat. I am sorry for writing this much, but I just want to know how to calm myself. I have the strength to fight a thousand times for her, to prove that it’s possible to overcome everything to be together. She’s the only one worth fighting for.