Only knowing love through heartbreak

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    I’m 26 and have never been in a serious relationship. I’ve been heartbroken twice, one of which is fairly recent and I’ve had a lot of mini knockbacks in between. Im getting to the point where I’m beginning to lose my optimism and that’s the only thing I know has gotten me through the disappointments of the past. I feel embarrassed as it makes me feel pathetic seeing everyone meeting new people and forming relationships, whether or not they work out, I struggle with the idea anyone will ever want that with me.

    I know people always say the right one is out there and you will find him but there’s no such guarantee and what if I am that person who has a life where no one will ever love me- everyone says love and being loved in return is the best thing and I’m just so sad feeling I might never experience the return.


    • This topic was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by tonorli.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by tonorli.

    Dear tonorli,

    Have you been taking care of yourself, tending to yourself as you heal.

    I believe self love is the highest form of love. When you nurture and nourish yourself, you allow the beauty in yourself to shine through. You allow the most beautiful smile to flourish knowing that you are giving your full attention to the most important person in your life and doing what you value the most.

    That in turn attracts the person who is best suited for you.

    Take care


    Dear tonori:

    In your previous thread you wrote: “I just keep thinking back to the start when what we had was full of potential and excitement”. Here you wrote: “I’m beginning  to lose my optimism.. I might never experience the return”, of to-love-and-be-loved-in-return, that is.

    In your previous thread you wrote: “I just feel trapped… something constantly feels wrong and uneasy… I am so lost and don’t understand anything”.

    Reads to me that what it takes for you to experience that return is an understanding you don’t currently have. Optimism wasn’t enough. There has to be more understanding. For the purpose of you experiencing that return, if you would like to aim at more understanding, here in communication with me, let me know.



    Hello Tonori,

    If you have never had a serious relationship and plus you claimed that all those, maybe I called them flings, and they only caused you heart break then you have to re-evaluate and revise your situation, from your personal trait to choosing a partner. If you’re a toxic person, you’ll tend to attract toxic partner, is a vicious cycle.

    Ask yourself what makes you to choose a partner and what makes you not to go into a serious relationship. Start small. Better up yourself, be a quality person, from there you will start to attract quality gentlemen out there. Do bear in mind that there is no “the right one” and there is no perfect couple. A relationship takes two to tango.



    I’ve spent the best part of a decade battling with my self esteem and working on myself to be this ‘quality’ person…I’m not a toxic person but instead suffer from a lot of insecurities yet… I have always been true to myself during every relationship, serious or not, and have been able to overcome the heartbreak from these ‘flings’ through my own resilience and never by running to the arms or seeking reassurance from someone else that would help soften the pain and hurt.

    Not having been in a serious relationship does not mean you don’t experience the same agony or pain when it comes to not being able to be with the person who you’d give your all to, but who won’t do the same for you.

    Please do not question my quality as a person.


    Hi Tonorli

    “everyone says love and being loved in return is the best thing” And yet few will agree on what this thing we call Love is.

    We say thing like. “Love is all we need” and we sense there is a truth to the statement yet because we define love so narrowly (and our expectations of Love) we worry it might be a lie, or worse that its truth might not be meant for us, perhaps because something is “wrong” with us.

    After the end of a loving relationship who have not asked themselves  “Whats love got to do with it”…. Everything and Nothing?

    Having found myself asking similar questions I found the following book helpful. ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving’ by David Richo





    Dear Tonorli,

    Insecurities are in every person. A relationship helps in revealing them more to us and often they are based on perceptions and not reality. This time with yourself could be your opportunity to see the reality for yourself and enhance your self esteem.

    Sorry to read about the agony and pain that you are in. Hope it passes soon.

    Take care.


    Dear Tonorli:

    You have wanted a serious relationship for a while. What does a “serious relationship” means to you?

    (I ask so to better understand, so to be able to offer you something that may be useful to you).



    I feel the same way, you are really not alone. I get really jealous whenever I see another one of my friends somehow find someone who wants to be with them. I feel like at the beginning of every new “fling” I get too excited about the potential of it turning into something serious and overlook all the persons faults and signs that they are not the one, which makes me more heartbroken in the end. What I am going to try to do from now on is to accept the relationship for how it is in the moment and not idealize the person. All we can do is try over and over again. People say dating is a numbers game, go out with as many people as you can, have fun and try not to take it too seriously. I have faith that the right person will be worth all the past heartbreak.

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