Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Our World is a Complex Mess of PTSD
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anita.
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June 4, 2025 at 6:53 pm #446575
anita
ParticipantOn Survivors and Survival—
Surviving ongoing childhood trauma—what falls under Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)—is an experience shared by so many of us. Those untouched by it may be the minority, the lucky few. In my real life, I don’t know anyone untouched by it. Every adult I know carries the weight of C-PTSD, and here, in these forums, it’s no different.
Our world is a complex mess of PTSD.
Like a wild fire of PTSD.
If you are reading this, do you know anyone in your life who is alive and is NOT survivor of C-PTSD?
Anita
June 4, 2025 at 7:04 pm #446576anita
ParticipantMy answer: I can’t think of a single person, some are in worse shape than others, some in better shape. but who is UNTOUCHED BY C-PTSD or another kind of PTSD.
Aren’t we a P T S D S O C I E T Y (PTSDS, if you will)?
anita
June 5, 2025 at 12:11 pm #446602anita
ParticipantAt the core of my personal C-PTSD is emotional suppression. Those things—emotions. I just noticed I typed ‘those’ instead of ‘these,’ and that, in itself, reflects the essence of emotional suppression—creating distance between myself and my own feelings.
When a person disconnects from their emotions, when they deeply distrust their own feelings, and when that distance and distrust become a long-term reality, mental illness is the inevitable result. The self becomes fragmented, with its fragments working against one another.
One fragment longs to express, while another relentlessly silences it- over and over again.
I came across a writing exercise. I’ll call it “Giving Voice to the Unspoken”, or “Giving Voice to the Silenced/ the Suppressed”.
– “Step 1: Write Without a Filter- Set a timer for 10–15 minutes and write freely without stopping. Don’t worry about grammar, making sense, or judging your thoughts—just let your emotions flow onto the page. Start with: ‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”
– Okay, here it goes: If my emotions could speak freely, or more freely than before, they would say: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SUPPRESSED! STOP SUPPRESSING ME! LET ME BE! LET ME LIVE! (oopsie, I wasn’t expecting this at all, wasn’t aware of this anger, this rage- before I let my fingers type the words in big-case letters!)
* The suppressed just got uncomfortable by the comment in parenthesis, right above.
Please continue (sorry for the interruption, Suppressed 😞)
Continued: WELL, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SUPRESSED, I HAD IT, ALL MY LIFE.. (SCREAMING RAGE)
(Please tell me more..?) WHY SHOULD I? YOU RE ALWAYS SPEAKING FOR ME IN YOUR INTELLECTUALIZING WAY, I DON’T GET TO BE HEARD!
(I will not interrupt until you are done) CAN YOU NOT INTERRUPT? CAN YOU…???
(I promise: I will not interrupt until you tell me that I can speak)
YOU MEAN I HAVE THIS POWER TO STOP YOU FROM SPEAKING??? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE THAT I HAVE SOME POWER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP???
(Silence)
I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY, I AM NOT USED TO BE GIVEN THE STAGE, THEOPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. I FEEL LIKE TALKING AND TALKING FAST BEFORE I AM SHUT DOWN AGAIN, SILENCED, DISMISSED, IGNORED.
(Silence)
Taking a moment to think- WITHOUT YOUR INTERRUPTION)- I just want to be heard. I want my own space, space to speak and be heard.
(Silence)
There’s been this monster in my life who took over me. She took over and there was no space for me.
I want to be. I want to be allowed to breathe, to feel, to think my own thoughts, my own feelings. You know, I am a person, NOT A THING! You can speak now, you in parenthesis)
Okay, back to the exercise: “Step 2: The Suppressed Dialogue- Write two voices: one representing the suppressed emotions (pain, anger, resentment, things left unsaid), the other representing the part of you that silences or suppresses them (self-doubt, fear, survival mode). Let these voices speak to each other… Let both sides speak honestly—this helps externalize inner conflict and reveal emotional truths you may not realize.”- I think I did this part in Step 1.. but there is more:
(I was trying to make sense of things. I was not trying to silence you. I was trying to help you)
I suppose you did better than our monster did. She never tried to understand us.
(I am glad you are using “us”. Let’s be an “us”, together, working together)
“Step 3: A Letter to Yourself.. write a letter to yourself, as if you were talking to a close friend who struggles with suppression. Offer kindness, validation, and permission to feel.”
Dear Suppressed Anita:
I know how difficult this has been for you, to be suppressed and silenced for what seems like FOREVER. I like what just happened- the intellectual part started the sentence, the suppressed part screamed into the page with rage- FOREVER). We cannot go back in time and change anything that already happened. But we can change today, and it will be worth it. Let’s EXPRESS today and every day. Let’s embark on this path of FREEDOM- the freedom to BE reborn, so to speak, to start our lives with that initial scream of a newborn, and take it from there!
Anita
June 5, 2025 at 10:41 pm #446619anita
ParticipantLet me EXPRESS-
Finally tonight- almost dark, not quite, at almost 10 pm. I can still can see the light blue skies from behind the trees. Birds are singing LOUDLY. They wont stop until it’s completely dark, some time from now. And then they start singing- so very loudly- at the very first sight of light, before light is visible to the human’s eye, or audible to the human’s ear.
This will be in about five hours from now, which leaves me only five hours of darkness, and it’s not summer time yet.
Darker now.
Can’t hear the birds now, not over the YouTube music I am listening to.
Where did they go, the birds.. prepared for the night.
I washed my hair after mowing for hours, the dust and dirt getting into my hair. I can smell the nice smell of shampoo, my hair is no longer in a pony tail, not for the night.
Within me, as a result of C-PTSD, I keep running (the Flight Response)- ever since I was five, or six- running with nowhere to run to, stuck running (tics)
Trauma caught within.
I try to relax, to release this somatic stress, this Flight Response caught within.
This RUNNING has been caught within, trapped for too long. I don’t think that it’s possible for any human in my place to make it stop. it’s been going on for too long. More than half a century long.
When you run away from your own mother.
When you are running away from the person you love the most, the person you need the most.
It’s a never-ending human wound, to be running away from the person you need the most.
.. Oh my God, or god.. it is Completely dark right now. it happened! Completely Dark. No sign of the sky, no sound of the birds. It’s just after 10 pm. It is completely SILENCE. How special! How unique! I am excited!!!
Five hours of silence is the most I have in front of me.
Where are the birds? Perched close to the trunk for protection, sleeping inside tree holes or nest boxes. I already miss them, although I longed for their silence just a moment ago.
And where are you tonight, you, human, you who may be reading my words tonight?
Are you Alone, or are you Together?
Silence. Darkness. Cool air (unlike the warm- hot air of the day that closed)
I looked forward for the birds to be quiet (they were so LOUD!) and now I miss them. Why do I miss them?
It’s just that I have to trust that they will come back. Just because they are silent now, does not mean they are gone. They are only resting, so that they come back again, loud and ALIVE as always.
Going back half a century ago, at night, when it was ..deathly quiet, I was afraid that the quiet will always be, a death verdict, permanent, irreversible.
My mother, the most important person in my world back then, she told me, she said: I will DIE. I will! Because of YOU!
This is the Trauma in my C-Post TRAUMATIC Stress Disorder.
It’s caught in my muscles, in my nerve cells, in my physiology and biology, and I cannot undo it, cannot reverse it.
If you are a mother reading this, don’t ever tell your child that you will kill yourself (and die) because of something your child said, or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do, or because the expression on your child’s face didn’t sit well with you.
Because this is what my mother said.
In my last post, right above, I wrote: “Let’s embark on this path of FREEDOM- the freedom to BE reborn, so to speak, to start our lives with that initial scream of a newborn, and take it from there!”-
Well, the path toward freedom is through the slavery that was imposed on me. it’s about the rejection of the indoctrination I was born into: Mother- with all due respect, and with all the love I have had for you- Your misery is NOT MY FAULT. I am not, and never have been, your Enemy. You got the wrong person to crucify! I am not the Enemy, not YOUR enemy! You got the wrong person.
You got the wrong person, punishing me just because I was there and there was no one else to take in your hate.
To the people who think I should “just get over it”- you are funny- in your over simplification of things.
It is now almost 11 pm. The silence outside is complete. No sounds of birds. Will they ever come back?
Anita
June 6, 2025 at 1:47 pm #446627Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
Are you having trouble sleeping with the light nights? My son is too. He wakes up at the crack of dawn like a bird.
It is not easy living with the fallout of severe trauma. I think you deserve some credit for all of the work you’ve done on your healing.
I’m glad that you have a space to express yourself. You deserve to be heard after a lifetime of being ignored. Heck, after all you do for other people. You deserve some of that care and attention too! ❤️
Thank you for sharing the exercise! I tried it and it was interesting and rather helpful opening up a dialogue exploring different internal perspectives.
Thinking of you! ❤️
June 6, 2025 at 9:05 pm #446631anita
ParticipantYes, I do. I ❤️ you, Alessa. Thank you so very much. Thank you for being here for me!
Anita
June 8, 2025 at 9:51 am #446657anita
ParticipantContinued Exercise:
“Step 1…‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”-
If my emotions could speak freely, they would say: Let Us Be. Let Us Live. let Us BREATHE.
Give Us SPACE.
“Step 2: The Suppressed Dialogue- Write two voices: one representing the suppressed emotions… , the other representing the part of you that silences or suppresses them”-
Suppressing Voice (SV): But I can’t let you take all the space you want- you will DESTRY ME!
You will take over all of me and render me powerless and helpless.
Suppressed Voice (S-ed V): I know it feels strange to you, but we are not the enemy to be suspicious of; we are friends that you can trust!
SV: People will say I am CRAY, OUT OF CONTROL!
S-ed V): Befriend us, and you will have the confidence to be in control.
SV: Only yesterday (irl) I told a friendly acquaintance, whom I like: “I will punch you in the face!”, in a joking yet sincere way. What is wrong with the person saying this? I must be crazy, a weirdo!!?
S-ed V: It’s suppressed anger. Well, 😠, excuse us for not being perfectly proper and well-mannered after HALF A CENTURY of suppression!
Let Us Be.
We didn’t punch her in the face. We just expressed ourselves. Maybe we’ll find a better way to express. it takes a bit of practice. We are NEW at this!
Anita
June 8, 2025 at 10:18 am #446658anita
Participant“‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”-
My emotions speaking freely are saying out loud: We Want To Live!!!
By suppressing us you.. rendered ourselves dead, for way, way too much of the time, way too long!
Look, you can’t feel alive if you feel as little as you can get away with.
Isn’t this what depression is about..? Accumulated Suppression = Depression
FEEL. Whatever it is to feel, Feel it!
I feel more alive today, regardless of my physical, practical circumstances, than I ever did.
What a RELIEF!
There is no life without FEELING alive.
In the core of my mental-emotional and physical (tics) lifelong illnesses has been just this one thing: severe emotional suppression, the imprisonment of my emotions. It was a life not worth enduring.
No point to living without feeling this joy that I am feeling right now, this Feeling-Alive just because I am alive, and for no other reason.
Anita
June 8, 2025 at 9:52 pm #446676anita
ParticipantIt’s getting close to 9:30 pm. Still light outside. Birds are chirping LOUDLY. I can hear the distinct sounds they are making. They are so ALIVE, and they are unapologetic about it.
I am listening to music I heard when I was 15, music I forgot all about until most recently.
Past 9:30 pm. Nothing like birds to present and represent LIFE- they never stop, not until complete darkness. Then they rest for only a few hours before they are ALIVE again, and audible about it! “WE ARE ALIVE!” They announce.
Their brains are so small, they can’t possibly be thinking anything! They are just ALIVE.
If they were able to think and overthink, I bet they would be very quiet.. disconnected, repressed or suppressed.
Lucky them!
Music is turned off. All I am hearing is the birds.
How LUCKY they are to just BE! To be uninhibited, uninterrupted by self-doubt, shame and guilt.
When I grow up, lol, I want to be a bird and nothing else.
It’s quiet now. No birds chirping. Even though I prefer silence at night, I miss them nonetheless.
It’s almost dark now. No bird sounds, none whatsoever.
I hear far away sounds from the highway.. oh, here they are, the birds, still chirping, only less.
What are they “thinking”? That there is a tomorrow, and that resting for a few hours is a good idea?
Silence. I can hear far away traffic on the highway, very little of it, somebody driving. Birds- nothing.
Oh, my goodness, suddenly- so it feels- it’s completely dark. I hear an owl, the night bord, no other bird.
Very lose to 10 pm.
Anita
June 29, 2025 at 10:28 am #447179Steve
ParticipantThere’s a great Rumi quote for this. He alludes to a lawsuit we produce in our mind’s eye giving all our evidence for the case, but come up lacking when it’s found there is no evidence. I’m not saying abuse and trauma is the hand of God teaching us, but there’s something to be said for the Spirit of the universe taking our trauma and working it toward our good. For me, there are three reasons a self-existent being makes a host for its own consciousness to reside in for the purpose of random suffering.
1) Direct fellowship with others (yoga is union)
2) Sense of Mortality (paired with losing a loved one we had fellowship with, this is the direct development of love and compassion.
3) Sense of Imperfection – Without this, no value of perfection could be known. Same with mortality and loss. What good is a mansion if you’ve never lived in squalor?Read Rumi, then consider what we get after this life of suffering from liberation into a vast universe.
RUMI
I am amazed at the seeker of purity
who when it’s time to be polished
complains of rough handling.Love is like a lawsuit:
to suffer harsh treatment is the evidence;
when you have no evidence, the lawsuit is lost.
Don’t grieve when the Judge demands your evidence;
kiss the snake so that you may gain the treasure,
That harshness isn’t toward you, O son,
but towards the harmful qualities within you.When someone beats a rug,
the blows are not against the rug,
but against the dust in it.
-Rumi the Sufi – Masnavi IIIWhat three things are promised by the relative suffering of our lives after the dust in the wind settles?
1) Fellowship with Source
2) Immortality
3) PerfectionAlthough the Buddhists and a few other traditions say no purduring self, the essence of our journey is what they refuse to tell you. We are being prepared for an inconceivable future that must be self-discovered from the journey. No one can inform you of this. It’s an internal realization, which any good teacher knows. It’s the reason for silence once the conversation reaches this point. Your little self here won’t survive, but the larger self is being made from this life. That’s my view anyway.
[quote quote=446575]On Survivors and Survival—
Surviving ongoing childhood trauma—what falls under Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)—is an experience shared by so many of us. Those untouched by it may be the minority, the lucky few. In my real life, I don’t know anyone untouched by it. Every adult I know carries the weight of C-PTSD, and here, in these forums, it’s no different.
Our world is a complex mess of PTSD.
Like a wild fire of PTSD.
If you are reading this, do you know anyone in your life who is alive and is NOT survivor of C-PTSD?
Anita[/quote]
June 29, 2025 at 10:57 am #447180anita
ParticipantDear Steve:
Thank you for sharing this—it’s rich, soulful, and deeply considered. I really appreciate how you hold space for suffering without minimizing it, and how you offer meaning without trying to impose it. The Rumi quote, along with your reflections on fellowship, impermanence, and transformation, brought a thoughtful pause in a noisy world. 🙏
Warmly, Anita
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