Dear Julia:

You are welcome.  I read your reply and I re-read your original post: what you are describing is doing too much of every activity you refer to as addictive, not being able to limit the activity,  but in regard to some of the activities,  being able to stop the activity completely and abruptly: “mostly eating-sweets or snacks- too much..  binge watching, binge reading… using my phone, same story, hard to put aside… I did (stop a habit) but it always came with an abrupt and complete stop of doing something”.

You described craving and planning to do the activity, even though you don’t enjoy it anymore: “I’m planning to (eat snacks) in the evening. I plan my next ‘fixes’ – where to get chocolate, when to eat etc… sometimes to ‘reward’ myself even, which is absurd, because I just don’t enjoy this behaviour aka eating too much sweets, binge watching etc. anymore”.

You mentioned a past addictive behavior of meeting strangers from a dating platform: “I overall did not enjoy but I could not control myself... so I cancelled my accounts all together to stop…it was all in all rather stopping habit than changing“.

Even though the DSM-5 refers only to gambling as a behavioral addiction, seems to me, that some or all of the neurochemical processes and connections in your brain regarding the behaviors you listed are similar (or even identical) to that of drug addiction. At first eating sweets and snacks (I’ll refer to these as s & s) was very rewarding and your brain made neuro-chemical (physical) connections between s & s and pleasure and craving.  You were not able to limit the s & s behavior (had little to no self-control on the matter) because s & s and craving were connected, and the craving was activated regardless of whether you were hungry or not, enjoyed the taste, or not.

It is difficult to abruptly and completely stop the s & s behavior because you have kids at home who like s & s, maybe your husband like some of these too, as well as guests. You are aware that the items are there, in your home (you have access to it), and therefore the craving is activated. You were able to stop other addictive behaviors because you removed access to the items: “cancelled my accounts (dating platform, social media) all together to stop“. No access= no activation of craving= no behavior. Even heavy-duty drug addicts are able to stop their addictive behaviors  abruptly and completely when they no longer have access to the drugs, ex., when incarcerated.

“I thought about what brings me to starting going down the path again and again and like you described it probably falls back to anxiety – of being alone (with my thoughts?)“- yes, I think so.

“Also I had an excessive habit of daydreaming – I’m talking about hours over hours going to waste. It all stopped when I met my husband. These nights now and then I’m also finding myself coming back to this routine“- Growing up and all the way to my early 20s, I used to daydream for hours a day myself, sometimes starting in the morning and ending at night. In my case, it definitely had a lot to do with anxiety: it was a very unpleasant and anxiety fueling experience to live with my unpredictable, crazy mother, so when she was away at work, I lay in bed, listening to music and like a movie director, I directed the most amazing movies in my mind, playing the main character, love stories and such. It was taking a break from anxiety. I daydreamed elsewhere as well… just not when she was home.

anita

Dear Julia,

for me, addiction was a way to soothe the pain of not being good enough. You said:

But I thought about what brings me to starting going down the path again and again and like you described it probably falls back to anxiety – of being alone (with my thoughts?).

What are those thoughts? Do you have a harsh inner critic, telling you how bad or inadequate you are? Maybe your inner dialogue is quite painful, and that’s why you need to distract yourself from it?

Dear Julia:

First, so to get it out of the way: I am not suggesting that there is something wrong with the real- life circumstances of your life, primarily with being a wife and a mother. I understand that you are content with being married and I am sure that you are devoted to your kids (“got a loving husband… Don’t get me wrong, I like my life as it is… Again, this is nothing I regret, I made my choices deliberately“). What I would like to suggest is a practical, doable change in attitude.

“I did daydream about being creative and famous but mostly just about being loved/in love or well-liked by others… my dreams were more exciting than real life, it’s true. And now life is just life. It is not necessarily boring but just bland“- during the “hours over hours” of daydreaming about being loved, being in-love, and having an exciting life, neurotransmitters, produced in your brain (ex. dopamine), , and hormones, produced by your endocrine glands (ex., adrenaline),  created in you the good feelings and physical sensations that you experience/d while daydreaming.

Fast forward to the present (and true to the time you were a teenager as well), when life feels bland, you try to recreate the good feelings and sensations that you experienced during the many hours of daydreaming via substances (sweets and snacks) and the passive activities that you are addicted to (binge watching, etc.) Sugar in itself gives the brain a huge surge of the feel-good chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine.

“there were periods in my life, were I put my ‘addiction’ above ‘real life’ – I binge watched instead of doing homework/meeting friends“- often, real life felt/ feels bland, so you try to recreated the good feelings and exciting sensations (that surge of energy) via addictive substances and activities.

“I never envisioned myself having children and staying in one place, barely getting new experience/seeing new places…  I just tried to get new experience so something extraordinary actually would happen in my life“- the envisioning of extraordinary events when daydreaming produces very good feelings and sensations for hours at a time, but then the bland emotional experience returns (“I just don’t enjoy this behaviour aka eating too much sweets, binge watching etc. anymore“). If the extraordinary events you envisioned happened in real-life, your good feelings and sensations would also last for hours at a time, over a few weeks or for a few months (on and off)… but then, the lasting bland emotional experience returns. (I am speaking from personal experience and I will share it with you if you ask).  There is an expiration-date on how long a real-life extraordinary event feels good, just as there is one in regard to how long a daydream feels good, and how long a substance or an activity feels good.

“I could do more, work more / put more energy in my education / start some side business, do more sports, do more…  I am just putting enough effort into it to pass…  I lack the commitment of doing more“- you are no longer motivated and committed to do more because you are too used to the expiration date on feeling-good happening sooner than later and too often, so you don’t bother anymore (?)

I would like to elaborate on my suggestion of a change in attitude if and after I receive your thoughts about what I wrote here so far.

anita

Dear Julia:

You are very welcome. “Without ‘some special achievement’ I feel lost in a crowd, nothing to talk about , forgettable, boring-I’m just writing down what comes to mind… Even as a child I did not understand, why people / grown-ups just had to do things which they obviously did not enjoy or rather want to do somethings else at the time“- writing down what comes to my mind as I read what I quoted here is that your parents did not enjoy taking care of you and preferred to do something else, something other than attending to you, and therefore, you felt lost in the family, forgotten and forgettable… Any of  this rings true to you?

anita