Marie,

I’m impressed at how you’re looking to erode your difficult feelings, and attempting to deal with it on your side! Not “how do I get her away from us” but “how do I overcome my jealous feelings”. Bravo, sis! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Jealousy has a couple of key components that can be untangled separately. First, there is the fearfulness that she is a threat to your security, your budding family, your status as his wife, and so on. It perhaps seems to be coming from her, as though she is the threat… but its not about her. Its about the trust you have in yourself, your relationship, and your husband. As though it or you or he is somehow vulnerable to her presence. That is very normal and usual, and because the marriage is new, the trust is still tender and fragile. There are various solutions, but perhaps the most effective is going to your husband and pouring your heart to him. Tell him of your fears, of how your shoulders ache from this painful feeling, and ask for help, assurance, the truth of his side of things, of a reminder why he keeps you at the forefront of his heart. Then, as he speaks, take it in. Listen, don’t question or rebut… just let his words wash across the space between you.

The second component of the jealousy is perhaps the envy you feel from the comparisons you make. Perhaps her job seems better, her boobs more appealing, her hair more pretty, her smile brighter, her mind quicker or kinder, and so on. Consider that comparing her to you in this way dishonors both of you. There she is, beautiful and sweet… a potiental sister of heart, and you secretly wish she was uglier, meaner, less intelligent. This is a difficult world to navigate, and every tool and asset we have comes in handy. Said differently, her positive qualities are good for her, and can help her find the peace and joy she seeks, just as you do. If you spend time being happy for her good qualities, and hoping they help her find her joy, then the envy will shift into loving kindness, and the loving kindness will blossom into compassion.

As for the grieving she has done, she is not alone. Many of our sisters have wept through a broken heart. Many even have found their way to this board, aching and crying for answers and a little assurance that they are lovable. She had hopes and dreams with him, dear sister, and they broke for her. There’s no need for guilt, or anger, or jealousy or fear… its enough if you can open your heart enough and see you had a sister grieving a loss, and how alone and sorrowful that is for each of us to weather. Its not about you, and it poses no threat. It is the saddness that arises from a loss, and if you can reach out to her, sincerely embrace her as your friend and sister (even if only in your mind), then you will be free from this forever.

Too many women look fearfully at each other as competition, when there is the potiental for a sisterhood of compassion and kindness. Consider perhaps a vision, not of two women scratching at each other over a man… rather two goddesses, radiant and strong, each with a unique task. One has the task of letting go of a romantic love and growing a platonic love. The other has the task of realizing that she is not the only one who loves, and that the more we love one another, the brighter our world becomes.

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi there!

May I know where’s your husband’s stance in all this? I mean, I went through something similar with my partner at the start of our relationship but I realize it was because I was worried with the way my partner handled the thing. (FYI, I’m a bisexual woman in a relationship with a lesbian).

She was still in the closet and there was this guy who fell hard for her to the point where he rallied all our friends (we all share mutual friends) to vouch for him. He popped up unannounced at her house, gave her a lot of gifts, and invited her to many events. Despite my chagrin, she always entertained him.

So I told her how I felt and then i found out the reason she had been treating his advances so casually was because she thought nothing of them. I told her it gave the wrong impression to everyone and she agreed to stop entertaining his advances.

Back to your problem, could it be that you feel all this jealousy because you think your husband doesn’t do enough to make it known to you or anyone else for that matter that he chose you? Sometimes men and women think differently and even if he doesn’t think it’s necessary, if it bothers you, then he should do something.

I think we feel all this negative feelings (jealousy, envy, etc.) when we feel threatened that something in our life is at stake. No matter what she does, if you believe in the strength of your family then you shouldn’t be worried.

Hope this helps! =)