Home→Forums→Relationships→Overseas holiday booked with ex-boyfriend who I still love
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Anonymous.
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April 5, 2018 at 7:09 pm #201053
anon11ParticipantHi, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We dated for almost a year. I didn’t take the breakup well, begged for him to stay which didn’t work and only pushed him away. A few days after the breakup I reached out to him and asked to meet up. I brought up our trip to Europe which he initially wanted to cancel since we are no longer together. But we agreed to trying again, and he agreed to keeping the Europe tickets. However I ended up trying to rush back into things with him and a few days later he said thing are ‘done’ with us. Now the reason he broke up with me is because he isn’t in the right mindset right now to be in a relationship and it’s affecting his university studies. Towards the end of our relationship we were fighting a fair bit. I do think he still has feelings for me, and I absolutely love him. I really do think he’s the one. I feel like he’s putting up some walls and he’s panicking and blocking me out to clear up his head. I want to get back with him more than anything in the world. I haven’t spoken to him since the breakup to give him some space.
Now with Europe, I don’t think we should cancel because we are both still young and I don’t see why our relationship issues (which could be temporary) should get in the way of the holiday of our dreams – even if it’s just as friends. This isn’t a Contiki tour or anything, it’s a trip we planned just for us and locations that we want to see. The trip is almost 1 month long and is in June/July. If we cancel, we lose about $2,000 minimum. Could this holiday be a way to get him back? Also, does anyone have any tips on getting him back? I’ve heard about the ‘no contact’ method but I’m confused about whether I should contact him after 30 days or whether I should let him contact me. I’m not sure whether he will contact me, he’s quite stubborn.
Thank you!
April 5, 2018 at 8:34 pm #201061
JessicaParticipantOh girl. I can totally relate to your situation. My boyfriend ended it with me a few weeks ago I feel like my world has crumbled . We still talk because I miss him so much . He is truly my best friend . I say go on the cruise. Don’t throw away something that’s good. You’ve got to fight for it . You will never know unless you really try. At least have been given this opportunity
April 6, 2018 at 3:22 am #201093
AnonymousGuestDear anon11:
Regarding the tickets to Europe and the money lost: if you cancel the tickets in April 15, will it be more money lost than if you cancelled it today? How about May 1 or May 15? If it is the same amount of money lost if you cancel today or in a month from now, you can postpone cancelling the tickets until later.
What is his position about the trip and the waste of money involved in cancelling it?
Regarding getting him back: you want him back too much for your own good and for the good of the relationship. Your intense desire for him to be with you is in your way. In other words, it is harmful to the relationship, not helpful.
Best for you, I believe, is to adjust to the idea, intend to accept the idea that the relationship is over. Think of his well-being. He wants and should do well in his university studies and there were lots of fights with you, taking away from his studies.
Don’t you want him to do well in university, to be calm? Give him the space he needs not for the purpose of manipulating him, that is, waiting for him to miss you. Give him the space because he really needs it.
And entertain the thought, form an intent in your mind, to accept that this space may be permanent. It may be that, permanent.
anita
April 6, 2018 at 4:25 am #201097anon11ParticipantThank you Jessica! I hope you’re doing okay with your breakup.
Anita,
He has paid his ticket in full but I’m yet to pay the rest of my ticket (it’s on lay-by). If I cancel now I lose $1800-$2000, but if I cancel on April 15 I lose $2400-$2500. Either way he loses $2400-$2500. I don’t mind losing the extra $600 or so if it means that the no contact period and leaving Europe out of his mind (it’s currently exam period) will hopefully lead to us going on this trip and maybe even bring us back together. I do want the best for him, and I’ve accepted the breakup and I’ve accepted that I’ve lost him – but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love him and want him back. I’m not trying to manipulate him. I’m simply trying to fight for him back. Thanks.-
This reply was modified 6 years ago by
anon11.
April 6, 2018 at 4:34 am #201101
InkyParticipantHi anon11,
Why should you lose a BF and $2000? I say plan to go on the trip and don’t say another word about it. The worst that could happen is if he brings another girl on the trip (doubtful but 1/100 possibility). Or you could very well find yourself alone on the trip. June/July is still a few months off. Long enough for both of you to get used to the idea of being single.. or for him to change his mind (again, unlikely, but let’s say 1/25 possibility).
Stand strong and go on your trip that you paid for!
Best,
Inky
April 6, 2018 at 4:35 am #201103AnonymousGuestDear anon11:
You are welcome.
You wrote that you are “simply trying to fight for him back”. In your original post you wrote: “Towards the end of our relationship we were fighting a fair bit”.
I know it is a different kind of fighting, but if fighting for him now involves putting pressure on him, that would be a kind of aggression that will push him away, I think.
Better fighting for him means giving him the space he needs and be gentle with him, no pressure.
Regarding the money lost, I suppose you can wait for a while and see if in a few weeks or so he reaches out to you with a change of mind.
I hope you have the endurance it does take to not reach out to the person you love so much. It takes a lot to not do so…
anita
April 6, 2018 at 5:12 am #201105anon11ParticipantThanks for your reply Inky, but do you really think the chances of him getting back with me are that low?
Anita, I’m worried he is too hurt or stubborn to message me. If he doesn’t message me in 3-4 weeks, should I message him with some nice and friendly conversation (nothing to do with the breakup/our relationship)?
Thank you.
April 6, 2018 at 5:56 am #201107
ElianaParticipantHi anon11,
I think, I would go on the vacation by yourself and have a great time. The way, I see it, you would have a better time Going by yourself, than with him, as he has clearly indicated he is not ready to pursue anything further at this time. I think it you go on this vacation with him, you would not enjoy it, as you would be too focused on him, pleasing him, wondering what he is thinking, analysing, focusing only on him, and not all the beautiful sights and scenery this country has to offer. You may develop expectations of seeing this trip of a way of reconciliation, or a way of getting back together, and if this does not happen, or your expectations are not met, you would become resentful or even more hurt and heartbroken then you already are. I think going on this trip with him, would not be a good idea. I do not believe two people who just got out of a relationship (romantic) can just be “friends” it doesn’t work unfortunately. Give him the space he needs. Who knows, maybe you will meet a fantastic guy on this trip and forget all about your ex. ☺x
April 6, 2018 at 6:18 am #201111AnonymousGuestDear anon11:
When he broke up with you, you begged him to change his mind, but he didn’t. Then he did change his mind. Following that, you rushed things he reinstated the break up.
If he doesn’t contact you in three or four weeks, should you massage him, something “nice and friendly”- he may not believe you being just that, nice-and-friendly, because of the past begging and rushing.
If I know more, it can help me understand better, therefore I ask: when you write that “he is too hurt or stubborn”, what do you mean: how is he or was he too hurt, hurt by what? And has he been stubborn in the past, during the relationship, before the breakup?
anita
April 6, 2018 at 6:35 am #201115anon11ParticipantAnita,
I believe he’s too hurt by our fighting as we both said some mean things to each other. I especially said some rude things to him that I didn’t mean, and he knows that I didn’t mean them – I told him when we met up and got back together initially. I also think he’s scared of coming back to the relationship and fighting again or being hurt again. As I said, he’s not in a good mindset right now. Also I think this pain is making him stubborn, and he once he makes up his mind he tries to stick to that decision. However, he has changed his mind before (i.e. our meeting when we agreed to try again) so I’m not sure about this being his ‘final’ decision.Thank you.
April 6, 2018 at 6:47 am #201117AnonymousGuestDear anon11:
This may very well not be his final decision. Space might be just what he needs.
Here is what I think may help you in your aim of getting back together: when you do have contact with him, the very next time, take responsibility for the mean things you said to him.
You told him that you didn’t mean them, and this is what people often say after saying the mean things. Problem with this claim is that it is not taking responsibility. I will explain:
when you said mean things to him, your intent was to hurt his feelings. Even if you made things up, let’s say you told him that he is lazy, knowing very well that he is hard working, your intent was still, to hurt his feelings, to make him feel bad.
Apologize sincerely to him for intending and attempting (successfully) to hurt his feelings. Let him know that in the future (if you can keep your word on the matter), when you feel anger at him, you will not express your anger this way, but instead in a fair way (assertively, not aggressively).
If he said mean things to you, I hope he apologizes too. Maybe not at the same time you do, but later.
If you can convince him gently that he is safe with you, safe from fighting, safe from aggression, that is likely to motivate him to be with you again.
If this takes place, you owe him to be trustworthy, to keep your word, to really, in words and actions, be assertive with him but never aggressive. Never again. Do you think it is possible for you?
anita
April 6, 2018 at 6:52 am #201119anon11ParticipantThank you very much, Anita. That was very helpful.
Do you think that us going on this trip (if he wants to) would be good for us?
April 6, 2018 at 7:01 am #201121AnonymousGuestDear anon11:
You are welcome. I think the trip will be excellent for the two of you if and for as long as there is no aggression between the two of you. If you deal with conflicts fairly, without attacking each other.
The great majority of couples fight. Often one party is more aggressive than the other. If you can be a safe place for him, and he for you, the two of you will be providing each other a rare experience.
The two of you paid a lot of money toward this trip. I hope it happens, the trip, hope the two of you go together and have a good time.
Post again anytime you’d like, with more thoughts and updates.
anita
April 6, 2018 at 7:34 am #201123anon11ParticipantThank you very much for the sound advice Anita, it was extremely helpful. I may have more questions soon but I’ll update you when something happens 🙂
Thanks again!
April 6, 2018 at 7:44 am #201125AnonymousGuestYou are welcome anon11. Till your next post, be good to yourself.
anita
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