Hi everyone. i just discovered this website. I’m feeling overwhelmed and desperate for help. i’ve no money to seek professional help but I really want to be better, so please allow me to tell you everything.

It has been a month since my 1 year relationship ended. Its my fault that it ended but i can’t seem to feel fully guilty for it.

My childhood background was not traumatic but i was very easily influenced when i was young. i’m a child of divorce at age 8.. my brother kept saying how stupid i was and forced me to help him “level up” in games. if i didn’t, he would hit me. My mum got custody of me afterwards, but she was toxic. before the divorce, she kept threatening to kill herself, but she still went out to party and neglected all my needs. i still loved her and cared for her alot. but she kept blaming me for the divorce, even her second one. she became worse and she told me my friends are worthless and they’ll leave me one day. she went to my high school and shouted and slapped me infront of everyone. she took my grandmother’s money which was to pay for my school fees just to gamble. she wanted to terminate my student pass. she refused to work and complains she doesnt have money. she shouted at me every day, in real life and on the phone. once i had enough of all of her actions, i cut her off my life and i was truly alone for my whole adolescence. i studied and worked at 14 until now. still pursuing a degree while working  full time at 23 years old with lots of debts and feeling meaningless.

back to the relationship, i see alot of my mother’s behavior when i am in a relationship. not as bad as her.. but i became controlling. i controlled my ex until he had enough of me. i hope you won’t judge me as a bad person, but i was highly insecure. i kept asking him who is he talking to, what he’s doing. i told him not to talk to girls, even at work. i even get jealous over a guy he has to be with the whole day. i kept counting the hours he’s with him rather than me. instead of being supportive when he has to end work late everyday, i  get upset.

I feel guilty. I feel bad and i blame myself for the relationship. but i’m very confused. i don’t feel fully guilty. one, because i knew my flaws and i knew i was not ready for the relationship. I told him my concerns and warned him. but he was supportive of them and told me that its fine, giving me the impression that he loved me for who i am. second, i was toxic but i also gave him joy. i got into his hobbies and i was so excited to see him every after work.  I was excited to text him, to ask him about his day. I planned dates. i planned surprises. i took care of his physical needs. i went over to his house every day and i even skipped night classes to be with him. i do want him to do well. i planned to give him all my earnings once i settled my debts.

my ex is a very intellectual and logical person. he’s in the engineering field and he’s very technical. he’s 12 years older and it feels like he has got most of his life figured out. he knows what he wants. he’s very financial and have many spreadsheet to optimize his savings, as well as how he can achieve to reach his goal of early retirement.  he gains mastery in one thing instead of just knowing many things but yet he’s still can talk about many things. he gives me solutions when i tell him my problems. he says he’s neutrally happy and i believe him. i’ve never seen him sad.  i love all these things about him. i loved that we had similar interests, similar humour, and he was able to be comfortable with me as he mentioned he has never been this open to anyone. which is also true because he doesn’t share personal info with everyone, he just shares advice. it felt right with him.

at first he was so in love and gave in to me alot. he answered all my questions and reassured me constantly. he looked forward to meeting me everyday and made me feel like i was the only person in his world. he neglected an hour of work just to talk to me. until one day, when his ex texted him, i flipped and went down my toxic ways. i kept asking about his ex, and then at work (we work in the same office), i would be jealous. i kept wandering why is there this other girl that would wait for him to end work every day for no reason and texted him all the time. he didn’t do anything wrong, but i wish he wouldn’t let it slip by like that. i became worse, wanted more of his time, and i wanted him to continue doing everything he used to do.  i got jealous of his work partner who is a guy which he spent almost 12 hours with him and they have to end work late everyday. i questioned him about his partner everyday. even when girls went over to his desk, i questioned him. his answers appealed to me. he told me he doesn’t like to talk to his partner. he told me he doesnt like to interact with others. he kept telling me his finds his partner annoying but his acitons in real life didn’t show any of it. one day i contronted his partner and told him “just because your wife doesnt text you much doesnt mean you  can make him end late with you”. and i feel bad immedaitely. i knew it wasn’t his partner’s fault.  my ex says he doesnt like to stay late at work, but he always does, and it makes me feel like he just like to be with his partner because if his partner is not around, he’ll leave early more often and text me more too. i feel like most of the time, i getworse when he contradicts himself.

soon after, he became very mean to me, and blamed me for everything. he got angry over small things and would tell me that i’m not logical and that he’s most of the time right. what he used to do, he stops doing them and gave reasons for everything.  he would steamroll over my opinions and he would be angry. he started asking for break ups every week in the past 2 months. i would wait outside his house if he wants to break up. and i would try to understand his anger was due to me. but he was so mean and frustrated in his words to me that i would cry everyday. i would give in when he initiate a break up, and tell him i would change. i tried to, i made progress but sometimes fail.

i know these are stupid and childish. I want to be better now. I miss him and i thought he was the best i had who lasted so long with my toxcity.. if only i didnt do those things. i wished he would be more patient as i try to improve myself, but he chose to end it and said hurtful things to me. after we broke up, he kept insisting its my fault and if i gave my opinion, he says its just excuses, they are illogical and im stubborn. he says he looks down on me now. communication is futile as he only gets angry now. i didnt want it to end.  i’m confused now, and hurt and empty. i neglected my friends and the people in office knew of my confrontation. with exams coming, i can’t even focus in work and study. and i feel terrible knowing my future is at stake. i feel my whole life crumbling. facing him everyday and seeing him happy like his usual self, it hurts so much to see that he can move on with life.

and in addtition, i’ve also did research and found out i have depression. i ‘ve been avoiding all my feelings by disassociation and distracting myself with entertainment. i feel depressed all the time, with no confidence, and i dont have a mastery of anything. I don’t have much knowledge in stuff, i feel incompetent and i dont have hobbies. i craft my thoughts to suit different people. i don’t feel alive, my hands and feet are not mine, i dont really want anything. i don’t have anyone. its hard to get out of bed without feeling scared of the world. with this break up, i just feel so much worse. i’m 23, but it feels like ive wasted 23 years of life.

I know life is in my control, but i feel like everything is in a mess and i need help.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.