Before I left for college I had a boyfriend that was not really doing much after high school. He kept telling me he as going to propose and that we would have one kid together so that we were always tied to each other. When i left I wanted to have fun and he would repeatedly call me, show up at my school 4 hours away, call my parents etc. It was scary.

My ex husband was kind of a nerd and not very physically my type but had a sweet personality and a girlfriend at the time so I kind of wanted to see if he was interested. After we married I began getting a lot of attention from attractive men and gave in to one. My ex had stopped being nice and was also controlling me, following me, and became abusive.

To make matters worse, my affair partner was insanely jealous of every other man and went through my phone, broke into my apartment, called my employer and family and spread lies, and the list goes on. For a while I usually go along with the behavior out of fear and not wanting to believe it but it doesn’t last long and usually ends up with the person hating me.

I have never had a good relationship with an ex or had a relationship end normally. This current man being very conventionally attractive made his forwardness less of a turn off but still left a lot of questions. I guess I have a thing for unavailable men but I have never shot high when choosing an available one. I always seem to choose the low hanging fruit and it turns disastrous.

Anita, I agree. I go back and forth between wanting to be my old self, who wanted to achieve and find a lifelong partner, to embracing what happened to me and having that carefree attitude and not wanting to get attached. I’m trying to train my mind to stop any more fantasies and see the relationship for what it was. I really want to move forward.

For me it means living my life for me and not being in this constant state of anxiety. I’m trying to change my fantasies to what might actually be true about him. Accepting the wildest explanation like he loves his wife plus is having the time of his life with any number of other women, it makes it easier than just wondering why he isn’t calling me. When he isn’t  calling me I want to make peace with it and just feel neither hate nor sadness. It’s also a weird tie to my old toxic job when I hear little things from him that’s maybe not healthy for me to hear.

I want to be happy with who I am and stop trying to curate my personality, interests, and looks to please others. I have been taking an interest in minimalism, healthy living, and other things to try and free my mind from the negative thoughts so to be independent and not a follower would be moving forward. Eventually finding a relationship And supportive friends would be great. I  would like to be able to push through in hard times instead of feeling like I haven’t made any self progress.

I feel like I do like my personality more and other things about myself better than when I was younger, the relationship issues continue to repeat themselves in a similar fashion.

I am going to look for a therapist starting today. Is there any particular reason that I would be subconsciously looking for a dad and not a mom even though I mostly had issues with my mom? Does it just depend on sexual preference or would the mom issues be reflected in my broken friendships? My dad was the silent type who was usually very nice except for the maybe one or two times a month he would lash out and yell or spank us. My mom was more the type to be either yelling or making constant negative comments.

Peter,
I like what you wrote, it is very complex and confusing. Id like to be able to let go of these issues and begin to take better care of myself. It is extremely difficult for me to not project when a relationship becomes deeper. I agree maybe I am not thinking of everyone whether friends or romantic interests, as individuals.
I know that people are all here to live their own lives and not live up to a role or standard that I want them to. But the worst is when they give and take it away. This is why I have been trying to keep distance from people but sometimes they just don’t stop in trying to break down walls. After leaving the job I also had a close friend ghost me and I did not blame or get angry or too upset. I just kind of let it go and it felt really freeing so I know I can do it again.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.

Thanks!
It actually seems like I have been hurt the most by these relationships. I always go in knowing it can’t be anything more and being low key but then I try hard to keep the relationship with extreme emotional outbursts. I think I have had a total of three taboo relationships, one physical and emotional affair with a married man while married, one physical and emotional affair to a single man while engaged, and now this emotional affair. I feel like I was hurt the most by all of these by them not wanting to actually be with me or even if they were saying it, not actually making it happen.

When everything started I already knew I didn’t want relationships but I wanted to be the one in control so to speak. I guess losing the relationships is in a way losing the identity I created for myself with that person in my life, even if it’s never been a desirable life when I actually thought about it.

I would say that when I approached these relationships from the beginning it was about wanting a mentor for running with the first man. The second was about teaching him English, and the one now I was seeking a friend to double date with and go to events, and discuss healthy living. However, they all turned into something more whether I believe I wanted it to or not. It felt more comfortable to approach the males instead of females, so I feel like I was looking for friends, but also in an unhappy relationship or lonely.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.