Dear Hannah:

Let’s look at what happened between the two of you as you described it in your recent post:

“We just laughed and joked”- reads good,  “and just had a good time and he was sweet and affectionate”- affectionate as in approaching you sexually, as a foreplay? It is important to distinguish between affection that is not sexual and sex, basically.

“He said I’m very reserved and I am because I was in an abusive relationship… I talked to him last night about how I didn’t mean to be closed off”- reads like you took it as criticism and you are explaining yourself to the critic: yes, I am reserved but it is not my fault, it happened because… No need to explain yourself, to act as if you did something wrong when you didn’t- there is nothing wrong about being closed off with a man you hardly know!

“I allowed myself to be open. Then he started being distant”- how were you open to him? He became distant, maybe he is closed off? Or otherwise engaged, busy elsewhere.

“he said I am who  (I) am and he’s casual and we kinda talked about sex and I said it takes me a while to get there with someone and he said that’s a good thing” – well, if he is only interested in sex, that is, casual, then he is not likely to want to take the time. Thing is, you don’t want something casual, that is, strictly sexual. Don’t accommodate what he wants, if what you want is something different!

“I texted him this morning saying thank you for listening to me and how I hope we can still hang but he hasn’t responded and I’m afraid I ruined everything by being so clingy”- you take responsibility for what you are not responsible for. He told you that he is casual, if I understand correctly, it means he wants what is called nowadays a hookup, or a series of hookups. When you told him that it takes you time, he might have figured he doesn’t have that time because there are other options for him, other women who don’t need time.

If at this point he does call, or already did, you may get so happy and relieved that he called, that you will be willing to be the casual thing he wants. I hope not !

Did he contact you since yesterday?

anita

Hannah,

Did you see my post?

Mark

Dear Hannah:

I re-read your posts because yesterday I confused you with a woman (and her boyfriend) from another thread, a cross-thread mix up. The guy you are interested might be a decent guy and he may have noticed that you are very anxious and that is what he referred to as you being “closed off”. Maybe he is uncomfortable with your anxiousness when with him and away, texting.

If you did meet him again, it would be better to make the meeting shorter, so that you can do the laughing and joking you did before, without the anxiety that I suppose came after. It is tough to feel comfortable for  long with another person when you question your own sanity, fearing your thoughts are not telling you the truth (“Paranoia” is the title of your thread).

If you text him, limit the length of your text and don’t text him before he answers you, if he does.

Tell him the truth, more of the truth if you have the chance to see him again, it will make you feel more comfortable, but don’t have sex with him. You have to know that he likes you and accepts you the way you are before you have sex with him.

It is okay to tell a man that you are anxious and fearful and need him to text you often, as long as you don’t demand that he does, as long as you take responsibility for your neediness, not trying to make him try to satisfy that neediness (an impossible task for anyone).

Has there been any contact lately?

anita

Dear Hannah,

Standards are personal of course and I’m not here to judge yours, of course not… But you saying “I just want to know he’s thinking of me sometimes” vibrates as a very low self esteem /worth statement. You deserve to feel loved and admired all the time. Do you want to follow through and explain to me what the real needs/qualities a guy should fi for you ?

I’d like to get more deep  with you on that. Kisses