Dear Alessa,

I’m loving our conversation too <3

Thank you for clarifying. I do still think you did a good job figuring this out in your 20s. ❤️

Yeah, I guess I always strived for a balanced view and justice – I didn’t like when my mother blamed certain people who weren’t really bad people. I realized things are not black-and-white and that she too is contributing to those problems. Somehow justice and truth were always important to me.

It is admittedly difficult and takes time to heal from these experiences with parents. I’m so happy you got there. You’re an inspiration!

Oh thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say <3 It was a long-winded road, but yeah, I see things much more clearly now than in the past.

I do pray too, I find it comforting. It is just the organisation side of things that I have difficulty with.

Yes, me too. I’m probably what they call “spiritual, but not religious.” Because I’m not following some of the rules which a true believer would consider obligatory, like going to Mass regularly, taking communion, etc. I believe that each of us is able to “communicate” with God in our hearts, and I don’t like the notion that it’s only possible through the mediation of the Church. I’m not against hearing a sermon, taking communion or some of the rituals, but I don’t believe it is a prerequisite to being “saved” or anything like that.

At the same time, the actual experience of going to church is nice. I just don’t know how comfortable I am about involving my son in these things because my views of God are a bit more forgiving of people that some traditional beliefs. I cannot say that I believe something that I don’t.

There was a period when I too was going to church more frequently. I found it comforting. But now, it’s not too frequent, it’s very rare, to be honest.

As for involving your son, well, I guess just be spontaneous about it. If you don’t feel like going to church every Sunday, don’t go. I guess just be yourself, don’t try to impose neither on yourself nor your son some artificial rules, which you don’t feel like following.

When he’s old enough, you’ll see if you want to take him to church, and I guess he’ll tell you if he likes it or not. So my advice is not to put any pressure on yourself and just let things evolve spontaneously.

I do have fears, like anyone else but I don’t let them stop me from expressing myself.

Yes, I’ve noticed you’re not actually afraid of expressing yourself and your opinion, and that’s fantastic!

I think, what I’m afraid of is hurting other people. I would never want to make someone feel the way that I did growing up. An unrealistic fear perhaps because I’m not that kind of a person.

Yes, you’re super caring and kind, and very considerate in how you address people, so I think you might worry too much. Of course, there are always people who won’t like something you’ve said, no matter how kind and considerate you phrase it, or how well intentioned you are.

There are people who can’t stand when someone disagrees with them, because they see it as an attack on their person. Unfortunately, there’s no way to please those people – because the only way to please them is to tell them what they want to hear. If we don’t want that, we need to deal with the consequences of not being liked, or rather, of being strongly disliked by them.

So yeah, we cannot please everyone. But if the price of pleasing someone is to silence yourself, to betray yourself, I’d rather pass on that. I want to stay true to myself.

But I’m also quite sensitive to conflict myself because of the trauma I’ve been through, so I try my best to be mindful that people might have disproportionate reactions because of their own experiences.

That’s very mature of you to consider that people sometimes overreact, and that it’s not necessarily because something you said or did, but something that gets stirred in them. An old wound.

A friend of mine once said that when she interacts with people, she keeps in mind that they all have their problems, so when someone is rude to her, she doesn’t take it too personally. I guess that’s a smart way to go about it, because she doesn’t get too upset if someone treats her subpar.

I don’t know what the solution will be, perhaps at some point I’ll learn the line where I actually have a level of control over the way I affect others? Who knows!

Hmmm… the thing is that we can only control what we say and how we say it, but not how it is received by others. If someone perceives your honest, well-intended remark as an attack, well, you can’t really do much about it.

So I guess you can try your best to be kind, express your concerns (if any) in a kind way, clarify any misunderstandings, but ultimately, you cannot control how the other person will receive it. It will depend on their character, their wounds, their willingness to self-reflect and receive feedback.

It’s been real pleasure to talk to you too! <3

Dear Alessa,

I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. I understand if you don’t want to keep talking about issues like conflict and how to handle it, because it’s a sensitive topic for you. It’s not a pleasant topic for me either.

Thank you too for everything, for your support and kindness and having a healthy, balanced perspective. I also appreciate your ability to stand up for yourself, express your needs and set boundaries. That’s a very important skill.

I think you actually exemplified assertiveness – being kind and understanding for the other person, but also respecting yourself and your own needs. Congratulations on that!

I think you’re doing a great job, being a loving and caring (and self-aware) mom, and doing your best to raise a happy and healthy child. I wish you lots of self-compassion too, as we’ve discussed. And I hope we can talk some more.

Lots of love <3

Hi Alessa, Tee

Sorry to interrupt you here but I did not know how else to reach out to you. Over the past couple of months I have been reading the posts on these forums and gaining a lot of insights and validation from them. At this point in my healing journey I feel it has lifted me up a lot in those really low and anxious ridden moments. Over this time I have gleaned that the community here is quite tight, I’d say, compared to other forums, and I’ve found the discussions you share to be tremendously validating. Validating is the word – I am thirsty for it and here I found it in bag fulls. I have had similar experiences to what you speak on with narcissistic parents and have had to learn how to reparent myself. Then there is facing doubts with my parenting abilities and finding your voices here that echo similar things. This has been a lonely journey and one, altho I have transformed for the better thro it, feels so unfair in that I had to do it in the first place. Coming across this solidarity is like walking into a goldmine. That’s what I feel is here. It’s a treasure trove of heart-felt love and support and it’s given by absolute strangers with no strings attached. It has been my solace.

Recently I have seen how things have been upended and the discord and invalidation at play is so sad to see – thro what appears like no fault of your own. I feel sad that this community is losing your voice and energy. I wish I had gotten to know you. You will be missed. I didn’t want to add to further discord in the other thread but I wanted to let you know that you have shed light upon me too. I would love to stay in contact and learn from and share. My email is chewiron@gmail.com. Apologies for being so forward and coming out of the blue like this. I wish you all the very best in finding your path forward and your peace.

Hi there Tee and Alessa

I have always found it difficult to reconcille my personal sense of justice with both the immediate and gradually evolving aftermath of a moral dilema. People are motivated by different things, some of them known, some unknown, some may even be kept hidden. As someone who has core wounds around this particular thing, I find it particularly disturbing but, in any case, it is a difficult situation for anyone to have to navigate. I find it so much easier to address these things with my children in that hurts can be named for the impact they had, the perpetrators be named, accountability be requested or offered, apologies made, perspectives understood, and then things can return to normal with a possible cool down period for those who need it to emotionally regulate. In these situations everyone is supported and seen for what they contributed to the situation and it is in this shared narrative where validation happens for my children, for me, for my husband. It’s not as easy as this blue print as we grow older altho I do believe that it is still the ideal way to deal with things. I practise this with my husband and the only difference is that in that adult context timing plays a larger part and the conversation is delayed for a time that is convenient. The resolution and validation is delayed but it is still had. When other courses of action are taken I find that unexpressed emotions that could not be aired, such as saddness or righteous anger, has a chance to morph into resentment, apathy, or distrust, and there is nothing wrong in that. It’s a natural outcome and one that often serves to protect us from similar situations in the future. I understand that no one owes us these resolutions. Life can be far from ideal and wounds accumulate. We can’t help that because that is part and parcel of living. It is, I believe, where ancient knowledge bases such as religion and philosophy can help us soften and adapt. Its how we evolve as people and discern what is good for us and where our boundries lie but, depending on the severity of the wound infliced and the histories of those involved, as well as the history and vulnerabilities that may have been shared and known about, for me it raises questions of personal and shared values. Sometimes the outcome is a bitter pill to swallow, is sad, and essentially left unresolved. I’m sorry that this appears to be what is eventuating. It sucks 🙁 I wanted to say this because I have been at the brunt of this many times. It hurts and seeing the hurt minimised or sidelined be it thro rationalisation or spiritual by-passing or whatever still hurts. Malice need not be implicated. Its just abot respect.

Dear Alessa,

I’m glad you’re feeling better now and less shaken <3

I actually found an inclusive church nearby after our conversation. I was very surprised as it is the only one in the whole county. I think I’ll check it out and see how it feels and see how things go from there.

Oh cool! I hope you’ll have a good experience with it, and that people leading it will be honest and loving.

Yes, it feels impossible to please everyone and take care of your own needs sometimes. It is a real shame. I wish that there was a way that everything would be okay for everyone.

Yeah, that would be in an ideal world. If everybody were willing to look within and acknowledge their own mistakes, a world would be a much better place. But like this, it’s a mess in some places. And it’s so very sad. It happens both in our personal lives and on the world scale.

I felt something shift in me recently. I feel like when people misunderstand me. I can give myself compassion and grace, having faith in myself that it is just a misunderstanding.

Oh that’s good – that you’re not blaming yourself, but giving yourself compassion and grace. Sometimes we say something that hurts the other person, even if what we said wasn’t hurtful at all. My mother gets offended so easily, e.g. if I simply ask for some personal space, i.e. put a minimal boundary, and I do it respectfully. But she sees it as rejection of her and blames me. She gets offended. She feels harmed.

What is one to do in those cases? I stopped blaming myself – I see that it’s a part of her personality, and it is a failure of hers, not mine. I don’t want to be apologizing for something I haven’t done. And so I told her recently that it’s not okay to communicate with people in that manner: to get offended when the other person asks for some minimal consideration for themselves, i.e. that their needs be respected. I don’t want to give up on my needs so that she wouldn’t feel offended.

It’s exactly what you said: “it feels impossible to please everyone and take care of your own needs sometimes.” Yes, if I want to honer my own needs, my mother will be offended (not always, but in some cases). But should I give up on my needs? Should I apologize for “hurting” her, even if there was nothing hurtful in my request? Well, no, I decided not to do that any more. I decided to speak out when something like that happens.

It was nice because I do care a lot and worry especially when conflict happens with people I care about. I have a tendency to take things to heart.

Yes, I know you’re the kind of person who deeply considers how you might have contributed to the conflict and what you might have done wrong. I’m that kind of person too. But sometimes we haven’t done anything wrong, other than expressing our need or our boundary, and the person still took it against us. Those are the situations in which I refuse to feel guilty anymore, but I rather stand my ground.

Because I know I have the right to have needs, and that my legitimate needs shouldn’t endanger another person. If they do, then it tells more about them than myself.

BTW I’m on holidays now and will probably spend less time at the computer. So please forgive delays in replies.

Take care! <3