Dear Elsa:

I hope you heal and recover from your cancer and be well.

As I understand it, you had a 16 year relationship with a man (what do you mean by “personifier”?). Last October, eight months ago, when you found out you had cancer, he told you that he intends to leave you. The physical separation from him took place last March, three months ago, when he started his Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS)procedure for his Parkinson in another country, and you didn’t see him since March.

If I am correct in my understanding, this is devastating- not only did you found out you had a serious illness, but your partner of sixteen years decided to leave you at that particular time. This is unimaginable cruel on his part.

I read about Parkinson’s in Wikipedia. It reads there about “thinking and behavioral problems” that may occur in addition to the motor symptoms. It reads: “… symptoms include sensory, sleep, and emotional problems… Behavior and mood alterations… the most frequent mood difficulties are depression, apathy and anxiety.”

He had Parkinson’s for ten years, maybe apathy, as a side effect, lead to what seems like cruelty, suggesting to leave you at your time of great need.

I also read in Wikipedia that DBS can have side effects such as “apathy, hallucinations… cognitive dysfunction, depression and euphoria. Side effects that are potentially reversible. Also, the brain can shift slightly during surgery, the electrodes can become displaced or dislodged from the specific location, causing personality changes.

I understand he started his DBS after suggesting to leave you, so this is not relevant to the October exchange, but something to keep in mind, the possible side effects and possible malfunction in the procedure itself.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings…

anita

Dear Elsa:

So he decided to end the relationship three weeks after the implementation of that “brain pacemaker” (“3 weeks after his operation he tells me he no longer loves me and wants to leave because he has fallen in love.  this person is not interested in him but still he wants to leave..”)

I don’t know if there is any value in it for you, but it is possible that his decision was highly affected by the procedure itself (see Wikipedia/ elsewhere for side effects and possible complications, which I mentioned briefly in my first post to you).

It is devastating that following you taking care of him for so long during his Parkinson’s, especially during the toughest three years of his illness, that he is leaving you when you are ill. there is no way to avoid the pain involved. Your heartbreak is understandable.

You are still emotionally attached to him and you probably need the companionship and support of a man in your life. Try to get emotional support elsewhere, maybe a support group you can meet regularly. Over time with emotional/social support elsewhere, your desire to connect with him will lessen and lessen.

Post anytime with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Hi Elsa,

This was really brutal to read. You took care of  a man who you love and still love but he left you after a successful surgery that made him not need your support anymore, but now you are wishing he would be there to support you as you are going through recovery for cancer.

I think you are right the only answer is time. But a lot of it has to do how you choose to spend that time. Usually I would suggest doing something you love, but I understand that chemo and heartbreak probably makes it difficult to get excited about very much.

You know what I found helps me when I am down or overwhelmed? Helping someone else out. You should try it. Choose someone who needs help and see if you can do something for him or her. I think it’s because focusing on someone else and the goodness you creates is a whole lot better for our happiness than focusing on losing someone we love or a disease.

Another thing that helps me get over someone is thinking about something about them that I didn’t like and anytime I am idealizing the person in my mind to “return” by thinking about the negative thing. It’s sort of reverse positivism that makes us feel more positive!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mark.