Partner reaction after accident hurt

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Michelle.

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May 10, 2019 at 1:19 pm #293197

Betty
Participant

Hello all, I’ve found so many wise and comforting words on these pages and have an issue that I could do with some comfort over.

Firstly, please don’t be alarmed, what I’m about to describe is not an abusive relationship just some strange psychology I believe.

Basically, whenever my partner (M44) accidentally hurts me (F35) not seriously, for example throwing socks at me playfully but they hit me in the eye and hurt, I cry out and show signs of pain and he immediately gets angry and goes into a huge huff. Sometimes saying that ‘I’m over-reacting’ and barely apologising if at all (though he will insist he did- imo if I didn’t hear, just say it again, say it repeatedly, it doesn’t cost anything!). It’s happened a fair few times during our 4+ year relationship and it’s just such a strange reaction that has me puzzled, upset, angry and frankly concerned that he’d be so uncaring towards any future children we might have.

I think his mum suffered violence from his dad, or at least anger and outbursts when he was younger so I’m wondering if it’s something to do with that?

Am hoping someone may have some insight to share because he is so non-communicative when this happens. Right now I’m sitting alone since he huffed off after he socked me in the face (with socks!) about an hour ago. When a similar thing happened a few weeks ago it resulted in DAYS of sulking and anger when I decided he needed to build the bridge for a change.

Anyway, hopeful for any advice or insight or even just comfort as I feel so hurt and confused when this happens. Thank you.

May 10, 2019 at 2:23 pm #293209

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Betty:

Less than two hours ago, he “huffed off after he socked me in the face (with socks!)”. A few weeks ago he did something similar and sulked for days, angry.

He may be practicing a … modified form of abuse. If his father hit his mother with fists, he hits you with socks. Perhaps he is proud of himself for using socks and thinks you should appreciate his modification. But when you “cry out and show signs of pain”, he gets very angry. Maybe he is thinking something like: how dare she not appreciate my restrain?

You can look at abuse from two directions, one is: he is hitting you and causing you pain! The other is: it is only socks!

I would be concerned too, regarding having a child with him and wouldn’t, unless and until you figure out what is going on. A pair of socks can hurt a child a whole lot, emotionally. The child hit with socks himself, wanting his father to stop, may cry out to you: make him stop!

If you can’t make him stop hitting you with socks, how will you be able to make him stop hitting your child with socks?

anita

May 10, 2019 at 8:59 pm #293237

Mark
Participant

Betty,

You say that your partner does not express remorse or caring when he physically hurts you. In fact, he gets angry.

This is a relationship red flag to me. Is he this uncaring under other circumstances besides with the sock throwing? Does he refuse to take responsibility for his actions in other ways?

This behavior and attitude won’t change with a child. In fact, having children will add additional stressors for both of you. I would be afraid that his violence and not taking responsibility for his actions will get worse because of the stress.

Plus his way of dealing with this is prolonged anger and sulking would be a lousy role model for your children.

Mark

May 12, 2019 at 8:39 am #293321

Inky
Participant

Hi Betty,

I think it’s a combination of:

1. He’s “only” hitting you with socks, what are you complaining about? and

2. “OMG I abused my partner, I must be a monster, if I admit it I am”

Please don’t have children with this guy. It is so easily to hurt a child.

Best,

Inky

May 12, 2019 at 9:33 am #293325

Michelle
Participant

Hey Betty.

Even without thinking about any potential future children, it’s not exactly ideal for you right now either is it? It can get really tiring always being the one to have to build the bridges, especially when the event wasn’t even triggered by you in the first place.. Sulking and staying angry is a pretty immature way of dealing with conflict – it sounds like he’s pretty much retreating into defensive mode, probably because he knows deep down this behaviour is not that healthy and he’s probably ashamed to be copying his Dad even if he didn’t approve of how he treated his Mum.

Does anything in particular trigger the sock throwing? Does it happen when you assert yourself for example? Are you guys able to deal with conflicting views outside this particular issue? Is it the only thing you are worried about?
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