- This topic has 21 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by
anita.
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May 27, 2025 at 9:45 pm #446345
anitaParticipantStrange: A whole way of my Being- Non-Being, is in the past.
I am as integrated as I can be. The repressed and suppressed are as expressed as can be.
I feel no need to talk about my mother. She seems distant now.
Distance between me and the pain of yesterday.
I am not complaining about this Loss of Yesterday.
Still, strange how that pain of the past held a meaning, an identity. There is a sadness in letting it go.
So, here I am. If it wasn’t for the extent of progress I have made, I would go back right now, back to the old.
I am far enough on the other side to not go back.
There is no happiness/ happily-ever-after on the other side. Neither did I expect it to be. There is no problems/ challenges-free anita either.
Yet, this other side is so much better, a moving on to something different. A “New Life”, the user name I chose here, on tiny buddha 10 years ago, hoping back then for.. A New Life.
anita
May 28, 2025 at 8:30 pm #446393anitaParticipantNew Life:
Q: Where does it take place?
A: In the distance between my two ears.
Q: What does it mean?
A: It means, first and foremost, that I am not a bad person.
Surprise! I didn’t know.
I thought I had to correct my 5-year-old bad person
And Earn the Good Label.
Now, I am the one to give little-girl me the label she deserved all along, that of being a good, loving little girl.
And then, I take this little, good girl into me. I integrate her into my once disintegrated, fragmented self.
I want to use this opportunity to thank Alessa for her unending capacity to express empathy for others. Sincerely, I have never come across anyone with this ability, skill and talent.
And I want to thank Peter for having been persistently, reliably, so honest and peaceful: never confrontational, never threatening, no-exceptions. Thank you, Peter.
And of course, I want to thank Lori Deschene, the owner of this website and these forums for giving me this space for over ten years. Thank you, Lori!
And I want to thank all the people who have come and gone, throwing appreciation and kindness my way- Thank You, each and every one of you.
… Sounds like I am leaving, going somewhere else?
No, not my intent.
There is no online format that works for me better than this precious tiny buddha, May 2015- May 2025 and still going and going.
anita
May 29, 2025 at 8:03 am #446402
PeterParticipantHi Anita
Healing: the strange, quiet grief of leaving behind a painful but familiar identity, and the courage it takes to step into a new, uncertain, but healthier way of being.
“The bridge behind me, burned not in anger, but in grace…. There is no fairy tale here, no gleaming ever-after. Just this:
a quieter self, a steadier breath, a life that is new, not because it is perfect, but because it is mine.” – anonymousMay 29, 2025 at 12:57 pm #446407anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Yes, healing isn’t about finding a perfect life, a fairy tale—it’s about choosing a life that’s truly my own. That quiet grief is real, but so is the strength it takes to step forward. Thank you for sharing this—it speaks to the heart of change 🦋.
anita
May 29, 2025 at 1:54 pm #446408anitaParticipant“The bridge behind me, burned not in anger, but in grace…. There is no fairy tale here, no gleaming ever-after. Just this:
a quieter self, a steadier breath, a life that is new, not because it is perfect, but because it is mine.”-I see the image of my mother’s face at about 40 years old, more than 40 years younger than she is now. I feel no anger. I feel a quiet, contained sadness. A dead wish for things to have been different.
A true goodbye to that wish, the hope. Placing that hope in the ground, to rot and nourish new life.
Knowing the fairy tale will always be a tale.
I am owning my truth, the truth.. oh, how very refreshing, really living.
The constant self-doubt.. that was torture.
The Truth: LOVE, that 4-letters L word.
anita
May 29, 2025 at 10:12 pm #446419anitaParticipantLOVE, that 4-letters L word-
So much suspicion around this, that word.
So much distrust.
Not surprising, being the experience of it all.
It takes so much to earn the trust of the disillusioned.
A wrong word I say, wrong time saying it, and…I lost you
Yet, there is no other way toward Love but TRUST-
Nothing without Trust.
anita
May 30, 2025 at 11:14 pm #446446anitaParticipantIn real-life, tonight, I got very, very angry at a woman I believe is self-centered and selfish, and I told her that I will Never talk to her again. It was a promise I made. My heart was beating fast, I was ANGRY.
Then I felt GUILTY for feeling angry, as if there is guilt in anger itself, no matter how valid it may be.
If I am angry= I am guilty= I am bad.
But this is NOT true. Me being angry doesn’t mean I am wrong, or bad.
It’s as if to be a good person one must never be angry..?
No, I am reclaiming anger as a valid emotion.
Feeling angry doesn’t make me wrong, or bad.
anita
May 31, 2025 at 1:24 pm #446452
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I don’t think that anger makes anyone a bad person. The difficulty with anger is that holding onto it causes ourselves pain. And of course, unskillful actions acting on anger can cause pain for others, as well as ourselves too.
May 31, 2025 at 10:15 pm #446460anitaParticipantThank you, Alessa, very well said ❤️✨🙏
anita
June 1, 2025 at 12:40 pm #446468anitaParticipantPassing Yesterday means offering as much kindness and understanding as I can to others—recognizing their pain, struggles, and humanity. At the same time, it also means standing firm in my own dignity, refusing to submit to disrespect, mistreatment, or manipulation from those who seek to undermine me.
Moving forward isn’t about choosing one over the other—it requires both. True healing comes from balancing empathy for others with the strength to protect myself, ensuring that my kindness is given freely but never at the expense of my own well-being.
Simply put, it is essential to me that I never submit to anyone’s disrespect.
Anita
June 1, 2025 at 2:41 pm #446469AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Definitely true!
That’s a really great way to put it. Your kindness should never come at the expense of your wellbeing. ❤️
You’re a special person and taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of other people. If not more so, because you have a responsibility to take care of yourself first and foremost.
June 1, 2025 at 6:00 pm #446473anitaParticipant❤️ ❤️ ❤️
June 1, 2025 at 7:37 pm #446474anitaParticipantThere is an overwhelming amount of mental illness in our world—it’s everywhere, both can be seen in real life and in these forums. So many people are suffering, countless lives weighed down by struggles that often go unseen. Can anyone truly refute or deny this reality?
It takes a lot to not give in and give up.. once again.
I’ve seen the suffering in my mother half a century ago, and I see it this very evening, in another person’s face right this moment.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I didn’t cause it- didn’t do it- can’t undo it.
Just.. So.. Much… Pain.
What would be the point in me crumbling.. once again, collapsing, helpless, underneath the pain around me..?
Somebody HAS TO BE STRONG in the midst of all this crazy suffering.
Why Not Me?
Who is reading these words of mine.. Peter? Alessa? Maybe, just maybe Jana (still on my mind)?
Jana is probably not reading this, yet, she is still on my mind.
I miss Jana. I wish she’d be back. I wish she knew that.. well, I wish she knew that she got through to me.
I don’t want more of her criticism. No, no more criticism!
It’s the other part I miss: her genuine, honest desire to CONNECT, and my regret that I wasn’t able.
* No need to pass on this message to Jana, Alessa. It’s just silly me, missing Jana.
anita
June 1, 2025 at 9:30 pm #446475anitaParticipantIt’s finally getting darker outside at 9:15 pm, wouldn’t be dark before 10 pm.. Too close to the North Pole here.
Just a hint of darkness.
Still too much light at almost 9:30 pm.
Feels like 5 am, yet, it’s not yet 10 pm. No bird sounds. They will come alive on the other side of darkness, in about 6 hours. Something to look forward to.
anita
June 2, 2025 at 10:56 am #446492anitaParticipantPassed yesterday- Here it Is- TODAY.
There was an avoidance in facing the past, yet not facing the present.
So, now, Passed Yesterday, here I am in the present, real problems that I am now looking at.
And I am currently quite overwhelmed.
It’s a legal, financial complicated situation that may result in.. I don’t know..
Don’t know.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 