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Dealing with an Affair

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  • February 26, 2019 at 11:16 am #281901
    sadman11
    Participant

    I’ve been with the girl I loved for almost a year but we had a big break up in between. The story is that I left for work and we were long distance for a few months but then things got tough cause she started talking to an ex and hanging out with him and I knew his intentions so I expressed how I felt about it and told her not to let him into her life. But she wanted to prove me wrong about his intentions. Then there was a scenario that happened which caused me to go mad.

     

    She was drinking and with this guy and they were parked at night in a park and took a nap together. I lost it and flipped on her. We got into such a big argument that it lasted for weeks. She promised nothing happened. I couldn’t accept it. She wanted a break but I didn’t so I broke up with her.

     

    For months she called me expressing how she loved me and wish that one day we could be together. Until one day I agreed to meeting up with her and talking. After a few of weeks of talking to her I got back with her. But found out the truth. That nothing did happen that night, but during our big argument for weeks, she ended up sleeping with him. She claims she was drunk and it happened. And she expresses how she regret is so much. But it hurts me a lot.

     

    I love her so much and I believe that she has matured from that time and has changed to a more reliable and considerate person. But the scars are still there.

     

    I want to know, how can I move past this hurt. How can I trust her again and how can I be sure that we will have a long-lasting healthy relationship?

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by sadman11.
    February 26, 2019 at 12:43 pm #281919
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi sadman11,

    She was drinking and with this guy and they were parked at night in a park and took a nap together.

    Well, I would have flipped out too if I were you! It’s not okay for a woman to be committed to one guy and then take a nap with another at night in a park . You say “nothing happened” but something did happen: she took a nap at night with another guy in a park while she was committed to you. So you want to know how to trust her again and to be sure that you two will have a long-lasting healthy relationship? Sorry, I wouldn’t know how to do that either. Trust your instincts.

    B

    February 26, 2019 at 1:01 pm #281921
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    “I knew his intentions so I.. told her not to let him into her life. But she wanted to prove me wrong about his intentions… She was drinking with this guy and they parked at night in a park and took a nap together… She promised nothing happened… nothing did happen that night, but during our big argument for weeks, she ended up sleeping with him. She claims she was drunk and it happened”-

    I italicized  his intentions because you ignored the fact that she had her intentions: I assume she was alone and lonely and her intention was to enjoy his company, maybe to be hugged. Also she blamed  drinking and maybe she blamed the arguments with you as well. She didn’t take responsibility for having the intention to be in his company and for making it happen, repeatedly.

    It doesn’t matter if nothing happened that particular night, does it. It happened the night after or two days after. It did happen, they had sex together repeatedly, if I understand correctly.

    In your previous thread a couple of days ago you wrote: “I can see that she is emotionally immature”. Today you wrote: “I love her so much and I believe that she has matured from that time and has changed to a more reliable and considerate person”-

    I figure you love her so much that you want to believe the words she tells you and that she has matured in the last few months since having had sex with her ex. But she hasn’t matured that quickly, I don’t think. People don’t mature that quickly. Maybe she means what she tells you, but when lonely,  when you are out of town, perhaps, and she feels lonely again, will she meet another man again, to relieve her loneliness- I don’t know, but you don’t know either, do you?

    You asked: “How can I trust her again and how can I be sure that we will have a long-lasting healthy relationship?”- based on the new information you shared, I wouldn’t trust her, not if she had what you call an affair only a few months ago within the context of a year only, total (including the break and affair).

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    February 27, 2019 at 9:46 pm #282135
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    She wasn’t completely alone. She was accompanied with a female friend. According to her she slept with him once during that time then a month after we were broken up she started seeing him again. She also claims to only have been tipsy, nothing more.

     

    I hope these details can make more sense of the situation if you would like to re-evaluate it. If you have questions for any more specifics, don’t hesitate to ask.

     

    Thanks.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by sadman11.
    February 28, 2019 at 7:49 am #282183
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman:

    Yes, I do have questions: approximately how old is she (and you)?

    How long has it been since she had sex with her ex boyfriend?

    Did she communicate to him to never contact her again, if so, when and how?

    What did she share with you about her childhood and what do you know about her current relationships with her parents?

    How difficult is it for her to  be alone, when she feels lonely long enough, what does she do?

    anita

    February 28, 2019 at 2:43 pm #282289
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    She is 19 and I am 21.

    It was about a month before we got back together since the last time shes been with him.

    She doesn’t have him on any social media anymore.

    She shared a lot about her childhood to me. Her father treated her mother terribly and left when she was young. She is currently in a close relationship with her mother.

    I believe she has a extrovert personality but she never goes out and mostly spends time with her mother. Since we’ve been together again, she hasn’t seemed too bothered about being alone, since we’ve been long distance for 2 months now. But we’ve seen each other in between.

    March 1, 2019 at 7:42 am #282365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    You wrote that she doesn’t have her ex on her social media, but does she still communicate with him otherwise?

    anita

    March 1, 2019 at 9:15 am #282389
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    No she doesn’t. But her family are close to his family.

    March 1, 2019 at 10:04 am #282401
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    You wrote that your girlfriend is in close relationship with her mother and spends a lot of time with her mother. And you wrote that “her family are close to  his family”. Does it mean that your girlfriend’s  mother is close to your girlfriend’s ex boyfriend, has him  over, etc.?

    anita

    March 1, 2019 at 12:28 pm #282421
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    No, her mother is close to his family. From what I understand they keep in touch but aren’t always visiting.

    March 1, 2019 at 12:48 pm #282425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    In your first thread you wrote regarding your girlfriend: “I find myself insecure and accusing my girlfriend of cheating and arguing with her about the past all the time”-

    I assumed at the time I read your first thread, before I read your second thread, that you were arguing with her about her past before she met you, or before she started dating you.

    When I read your second thread I found out that you were arguing with her about her past after you started dating, the fact that she had sex with her ex boyfriend.

    Most recently I found out that she still sees the same young man in the home where she lives with her mother, visiting sometimes (“aren’t always visiting”, which means sometimes they visit, doesn’t it?)

    Your girlfriend then has an ex boyfriend who is still in her life and not long ago, while being your girlfriend, she had sex with him.

    Am I understanding it correctly at this point, and if I do, do you see a problem here?

    anita

    March 4, 2019 at 4:52 pm #282995
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    No, he isn’t really in her life. What I mean is that it is possible that they could run into each other again in the future. Not to imply that it happens. Just likely since their families are acquaintances. And when I say this, their families know each other but do not have gatherings together. More than likely they’d probably get together once a year at most. But not always. And not directly, implying that other families will be there.

     

    But yes, she cheated on me with him during the time we were dating and I was away. She claims to have felt so much guilt. During that time that it happened we were arguing and due to the long distance and work, I could only have about half an hour of time a day to speak with her. And during those half hours, we just argued. In a way, I didn’t trust her. I guess I can only accept responsibility for this.

     

    Though I believe under no circumstances should a member cheat. She was young and in a way felt hurt that I didn’t trust her. I don’t believe it was her intentions for this to happen. And she claims to have been very drunk at a club and met him there by coincidence and her best friend at the time convinced her to bring him.

     

    Her old best friend (old implying that they aren’t friends anymore) didn’t support me in her life because I was honest with my opinion towards her. My opinion was that she was a bad friend. She had bad character and no morals. I could see that she was only selfish. My girlfriend at the time was loyal to her due to their long history of friendship. Of course after our breakup, she did realize that I was right.

     

    So to summarize and put things into perspective, my girlfriends, best friend at the time hated me. My girlfriend claims she would tell her that I’m the problem and that her ‘ex’ is better than me. To make things simple, her best friend was planting ideas in her head that were opposing me and in favor of her ex. Then her family told her she was too young to be in a relationship and that we won’t work out.

     

    Now to the day the affair happened. Her story claims she was extremely intoxicated to which her memory is a blur. Her friend invited him over. And then after awhile of watching a movie together, it just, ‘happened’. She said she knew it was happening but didn’t stop it. Then she claim when she woke up the next morning, she realized what she did and felt so guilty she cried. She then didn’t talk to him after that incident until I broke up with her which was about 2 weeks after.

     

    What bothered me most is that she never told me that she cheated on me. It wasn’t until we got together again and a month passed. And I started noticing that whenever the topic of cheating came up she got quiet. So eventually I ended up pushing her to tell me what’s up and that is when she told me. That is where it hurt most. That she intended to lie to me about it and hide it, for awhile at least. She said she wanted to tell me when we were in a position where I couldn’t leave her. As manipulating and wrong as it sounds.

     

     

    March 5, 2019 at 11:43 am #283137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    Reads to me that forgiving her is in order. She is only nineteen, you were away and arguing a lot, on the phone. You accused her of cheating when she didn’t. And there were other factors. She didn’t tell you about it when you got back together but she was troubled about it (“she got quiet”).

    If she was intent on not getting together with her ex boyfriend in that way again, I can understand why she wouldn’t tell you about it, and it may have been a good idea to … not tell you. If she was intent on and capable of not repeating that mistake, what benefit was there in telling you?

    My summary at this point: forgive her, truly forgive her, treat her well, respectfully, don’t treat her as if she is The Guilty One, Forever-Guilty and a Forever- Suspect.

    One day you will make a mistake and she will forgive you too. We all make mistakes. Not all forgivable, but hers is forgivable, as I understand the situation.

    anita

    March 5, 2019 at 3:26 pm #283181
    sadman11
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for listening and for your advice. That’s all I needed to hear.

    We talked a lot and I feel we are understanding of each other now and that we are growing stronger together.

    March 6, 2019 at 4:57 am #283247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sadman11:

    You are welcome. I am glad to read that the two of you are understanding each other and growing strong together!

    The thoughts you had before, doubts, and the anger attached to those thoughts regarding her and the relationship, these are likely to return simply because this is how the brain works. Do not be alarmed when that happens- it doesn’t mean that you made the wrong decision to forgive and grow stronger together. It just means the brain thinks a whole lot, thousands of thoughts per day, maybe per hour. They just happen and emotion is attached to some of the thoughts. Often early life experience fuels the emotions attached to these thoughts, not current circumstances and current people in our lives.

    Notice these thoughts, take deep breaths, talk sense to yourself so to correct distorted thinking, distract, as in take a short walk outside, and you are welcome to post again on this thread, the previous thread or a new one.

    Wishing you and your relationship the best.

    anita

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