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Past relationship/memories of my ex is ruining my love life

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #305969

    Rin
    Participant

    Hiya guys, please give me advice as to what to do in this situation.

    So, about a year ago I was in a relationship with someone I had a deep emotional bond to, but both of us were very emotionally immature and it ended up inevitably crashing and burning.

    I was head over heels for this guy, and he convinced me he was too. In fact, an hour before he broke up with me, he told me he was reminiscing of buying an apartment and living with me in it. It’s impossible to describe the emotional whiplash I had experienced.

     

    So, fast forward to today. I’m in a kinda-sorta relationship with this guy who does not hesitate to provide, is loving and understanding of emotions, and loves himself and is deeply in love with me. But here, my ex is still living in my heart. Not that I’m in love with him anymore, but the bond is still in my heart and no form of logic or reason can get it to disperse.

    I find myself wanting closure. And while I really want to briskly slap my ex across the face for lying to me until the bitter end, I’m afraid that will only let my heartbreak manifest in itself. Deep down I want my ex’s attention. I want him to see how much I’ve grown, and I want him to beg for me back, but that’s stupid. vI have a deep rooted bond with my ex and even after several months of breaking up, blocking him, and being physically away from him, I still cannot find a way to let it all go.

    So please someone point me in a direction on where to go. I love my current boyfriend but it will never reach it’s full potential when the room for our bond to grow is being taken up by someone who is essentially a stranger to me now.

    #305983

    Mark
    Participant

    Rin,

    I remember reading an article in order to get the ex out of your head is whenever that happens, to recall the loving feelings you have with your current partner.  Bring to mind all the good feelings when you have been together, bring a specific time and place when you felt so in love with him.  Make is vivid by recalling the smells, the sounds, the physical and emotional feelings you felt when that happened.

    Mark

    #306005

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Rin,

    You are in a kinda sorta relationship which I am guessing doesn’t match up to the previous one you had in some way.  Whilst you are harboring these thoughts, you are not free to be in a new relationship.  You have conflict going on.  On the one hand you want to give him a good slap and on the other you want him to see the change in you, fall in love with you all over again and beg you to go back to him.  Neither of these things are likely to happen.  You are not in love with him but he is in your heart.  This is what most people call love.  There is a line in a poem about falling in love which says “The head does it’s best but the heart is the boss”.

    Find a quiet space.  Forgive your ex for the hurt he caused you, let him go with love and wish him well on his journey through life.

    Best Wishes

    Peggy

    #306037

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rin:

    If the photo above your username is art that you created, I like it. I see a hand being presented as an animal, 4 legs and a tail, five fingers.

    You wrote: “my ex is still living in my heart… no form of logic or reason can get it dispersed”- what is the saying.. the heart has its own reason, or the heart wants what the heart wants. That emotional excitement, hope, longing for a particular person is a powerful emotional experience. Thinking of the hand I see in your drawing, it is as if a hand is reaching out of the heart, trying to reach that person, to grab him and hold him forevermore.

    But when the other person doesn’t want to be with you, or it is a bad idea to be with him and to give up the good man you are with, what do you do?

    I ask and answer: notice that emotional experience, that excitement, desire, longing, the images they bring up, the daydreaming maybe- you can live with this experience without acting on it. Rest into it, smile as you feel it. This feeling experience is part of you. It doesn’t require that you do anything, that you tell your current boyfriend about it. And don’t try to get rid of it, thinking of it as something bad or disloyal. Be it your private, personal experience for as long as it lasts.

    anita

    #307037

    Rin
    Participant

    Hello, thank you for replying. Sorry for my late reply 🙁

    I think you’re right. I’ve been denying forgiving him for some reason. I think my heart is trying to salvage what me and my ex used to have, but at the same time trying to maintain a connection with my current boyfriend. Its confusing and makes my current relationship feel watered down, like all the feelings have been dulled because my heart cant decide. Tonight I’m going to attempt to forgive him and let him go, one bit at a time.

    #307179

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rin:

    You are welcome. I hope you post again with an update on your emotional experience and your relationship situation.

    anita

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