I think you have a right to feel hurt or upset over her becoming distant. If you were as close as you thought you were, I’m sure you would have expected her to be straight with you instead of just going away. However, I hope you know that you deserve someone who feels the same as you, and who would not put you aside for someone else. And I hope you don’t feel inferior to her for this reason. Life goes on, and I am sure you will meet someone who shares the same values as you. She might feel uncomfortable for the reasons that you stated, and that could be her way of dealing with it. Not saying she is right, but people have different ways of dealing with things, and it seems like she went through some trauma in her past.

To answer your question regarding lies and such – I have A LOT of friends who would rather ignore someone or lie to them before actually confronting them with the truth in order to spare their feelings. I find this to have the opposite affect. It will hurt the other person either way, might as well get it over with as soon as you can, in my opinion. And truth is very important to me. There are a lot of reasons why people lie. They might not want to deal with it, scared to hurt feelings, and they can also be uncomfortable with the reaction they think they might receive with the truth.

I will admit that I have one particular ex that I had to lie to about why I was breaking up with him instead of the truth because he was so mentally unstable, I knew the truth would make him go crazy. All of my other friends or ex’s, I have been completely honest with as to why I no longer wanted to be with them, or even if I just had an issue I wanted to squash.

I will also state that putting a lot of your problems on another person’s shoulders such as sharing that you were depressed and such might come off as something “she” needs to fix, and maybe she could be running from that because she is not equipped for that. Not saying that was your intention, but she could have taken it that way. I have opened up to a few friends before and found they became distant with me and it was never my intention, I just wanted to share! People interpret things differently a lot.

In closing, I want to say that there is SO much beauty in life. Friends/relationships come and go, but please remember this is your time on Earth and there are so many things to explore and learn about. I would urge you to see a therapist if possible to discuss your feelings and issues with. I go to a therapist myself and found it to help a lot. Sometimes when I get too involved in a situation in life, I kinda zoom out and try to see myself from space and realize how little of an issue I’m having, and it helps!

Good luck!

Dfh,

I believe that is a decision you will have to make on your own, if and when you cross that bridge. It appears that you are hurting really deeply over this. The best advice is the one given by your dad and to also focus on yourself and love yourself in the mean time. If you enjoy reading, look up some self help books on building healthy relationships with people, boundaries, a life of peace and positivity and whatever is feel is relevant to improve your inner self during this time of your life.

I’d suggest seeking professional help for your suicidal thoughts, as that’s a major concern right now and should take priority first and foremost. You can even call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255 http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I lost a parent almost 5 years ago to suicide because he was over being disabled and having a lot of physical health problems, so his quality of life was grim. This is certainly not the case for you but I just wanted you to know that I have experience on how traumatic it is for loved one on the receiving end of this.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you the best!

Sending you a bunch of positivity, love and light during this sensitive time.

M.

Dear dfh:

I have lived many years while either wanting to die or finding refuge in thinking there was a way out for me, a way out of the intense hurt, pain, fear I was experiencing. That fantasy as well as other fantasies, daydreaming about love and success in the world, those fantasies gave me the breaks, the comforting, relaxing breaks from the ongoing misery I experienced.

I understand therefore the temptation (ending of suffering… and could be other “benefits”..) and I am glad you distinguish between thought, emotions and actions. I believe this is what your integrity is about: you say what you mean and you mean what you say. You are honest. Your thoughts and actions are ONE (integrity means ONE, being one as in not double faced). I think you have a valid pride in your integrity and honesty and I see lots of hope for you based on your appreciation of your integrity.

I appreciate it too.

As far as the friend you wrote about. From my first readings about her, I didn’t detect a dishonest, manipulative and abusive person. Could be, didn’t see it in your posts so far. And as i read your posts I got a feeling that indeed it must be hard for her to spend time with you because you are so demanding of her.

Demanding? Does it sound strange to you that I used the word (that you are too) demanding of her? This is how I see it: you are very hurt, hurt from past injustices done to you in real life, no doubt. The demanding of her part is that you seem to demand that she straightens up all the past injustice that you experienced, injustice done to you before she came into your life, not her doing.

What do you think so far about what I wrote here?

anita

Dear dfh:

When I wrote that I got a feeling that you are being too demanding of her, I suggested that you may be too demanding, or unfairly demanding of her. This is only a suggestion and if you choose to, it is for you to evaluate, to examine for possible merit. You can also ask her, if you trust her to be honest, if she feels this is true, another option. But like anything I suggest to anyone here on the website, my suggestion is for the person to evaluate. You asked what makes me think (or feel) that your actions are being demanding. I will go now to your original post and see there…

In the original post you wrote: ” I asked her if I was being replaced by her “friend” and she stated no, but I feel that’s a lie.” Well, this is a trick question that you asked her, as a friend, if she is replacing you with the other guy. She may think: no one can be replaced, that replacing is not what she is doing. So she said No, and it may not be a lie. If you presented her with the offer to spend time with you and she chose to spend time with him, then she preferred his company over yours at that particular time. Not a “replacement”- so your definition of her honesty may be overly strict and calling it a “lie” may be carrying the sting of your past hurts, not the reality of an actual lie.

You also stated there that she kicked you to the curb because she preferred another company at a certain time. You accuse her of a LIE and a KICK to the curb, serious offenses fueled by your past hurt and not her actions. It is unpleasant for the object of your affections to spend time with another or others, but seeing it as lying and the violent act of kicking you to the curb may not be realistic and expressed to her, puts an unfair pressure on her: to be very careful with you because anything less than complete devotion will be seeing as an offense against you.

Also when you told her she is your LAST friend, that gives her the message that she has to be very careful, otherwise you close the door on all future friends.

… As I wrote, it is for you to evaluate, if you will, now, later… or never.

What do you think?

anita

Dear dfh:

Regarding her comment that you should find someone else to talk to (in addition to her), to your question about is there any other way to look at it, to take it other than meaning you are nothing to her, yes, i believe there is another way.

Another way may be her saying: I feel too much pressure to be available to you. I can’t be what you need me to be for you. What if you find other people to take the pressure off me, so that we can remain friends?

I understand your hurt, dfh and I believe you were indeed very hurt by people in your life, especially early life. And I happen to be a very pessimistic person myself. I am quick to be suspicious of people still. And probably will continue to be. And yet, i have learned that sometimes I do misinterpret people, that is, I inaccurately project into people’s motivation things that are not there. i do that! And you may too. It is very common.

When you told her she is your last friend, I bet you didn’t intend to put pressure on her and you meant just to share your honest feelings. I already wrote to you that I appreciate your honesty so I do not doubt your honesty.

The funny thing is… I learned something i found funny.. even though I intend one thing when I say and do something, it can come across as something else. And not only that, what I say and do, can realistically and understandably come across as something I did not intend. And it is my job to pay attention to these things. For example: I used to tell someone who cared about me, that I wanted to kill myself. I assure you I sincerely felt that I did. I was so much in pain I didn’t think I was manipulating him, putting pressure on him, being unfair to him. I sincerely felt such intense pain. But I learned through therapy that such a talk placed unfair pressure on him, put him in distress that was unfair to him…and in so doing, I operated against the relationship and against my best interest.

I figured: oh… even though I did not intend to put unfair pressure on him, this is how such behavior is realistically perceived on the other end of my communication. So i stopped it.

This is my response to part of your post above. We can talk here more and more if you’d like, over time. So anything you want to say, tell me… please do.

anita

Dear dfh:

The first sentence in your original post here that made me wonder was: “Being who I am, I felt that telling her would be worse than just keeping it to myself.” It made me wonder what you meant by “being who I am”

…and also, why you felt that telling her would be worse than just keeping it to yourself.

In your last post I read loud and clear that you are intending to withdraw further. That you intend to follow through with what you told her, that she (was) your last friend. So you are taking yourself out of the market.

This is a choice that is available for you except that I don’t think we, humans, ever stop needing other people: it is in our genes. For a while, isolating can be rejuvenating, but not for too long.

Here, on this forum, in communicating with me, you have this promise: I will respond to every post you address to me on this thread or any other thread. Every single one. I remember your pride in your own integrity. I always cared about having integrity myself so you putting a high value on integrity and honesty is meaningful to me.

Whenever you want to communicate with me, i am here and will respond: every single time.

anita

* Thank you Eris: your comment about me made me feel good and is encouraging to me. I greatly appreciate it!
anita