Peace of mind - release him from my heart.

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This topic has 18 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 26, 2019 at 3:55 am #304957

alizee2007
Participant

Hi everybody! It`s my first post here and I am really looking for suggestions or opinions on how to regain my peace of mind…

I am in my late 30s (single, never been married, just being too focused on my career). Almost two years ago I met an incredible man in a professional environment and from the moment I saw him (never knowing a single thing about him) I felt peace, friendship and a feeling that I have known him forever … it felt so great being around him and these feelings have never changed during our 2 year work collaboration. We meet each other 1-2 times every few weeks and developed a beautiful friendship. I miss him so much in between our professional meetings … I feel so good when I am around him and with just a single word he lights up my day!

Its been such a long time for me to find a man that I really like (intelligent, refined, respectful, smart, funny, etc.) and this is one of the reasons I stress about him so much. He is also in his late 30s and is not married (we talk about many things when we meet, not only just work (including our personal life but he never said anything about a love relationship, so I am guessing hes single just like me). The thing is, as crazy as this might sound, I am obsessing over him and would like him to ask me out on a romantic date…. There`s nothing I would like more, as I feel my life came to a point where I am ready for a committed love relationship and I am sure he is a great fit for me. Professionally speaking (even though we are not colleagues) he has a higher position than I have and, as you can imagine, I can not imply or do something that might “tell” him I like him… my body language around him might reveal the fact that I like him, but he does nothing to initiate a romantic date…

So, do you have any suggestions on how to let go of this obsession of wanting to be in a love relationship with him? … I know I am chasing ghosts here and I keep telling myself to give up on my expectations regarding him and focus on our work relationship, but my heart is just set on him … I think about him every moment and I often fantasize about him being my beloved husband (sometimes, daydreaming seems so real!) … but the fact that were not in a love relationship yet brings pain, frustration and the feeling of powerlessness … and, at the same time, I am tired of wanting/ waiting him to ask me out on a date. I need to detach myself from this mental torture but its easier said than done.

July 26, 2019 at 4:40 am #304967

Peggy
Participant

Hi Alizee 2007,

You have met a kindred spirit – peace, friendship, known him forever. You have been brought together for a reason. I would love to be able to tell you why but I can’t.

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you are single but would love to be in a loving relationship. He may then open up to you and discuss his relationship status. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you like them – how else is he going to know? There could be all sorts of reasons why he hasn’t asked you out – he might be fearing rejection or think that you are not interested because you haven’t given him any clues, for instance.

Are you just “chasing ghosts”. If you don’t try, you don’t know. Your obsession is causing you pain, frustration and feelings of powerlessness. Reclaim your power and take things one step at a time. He really won’t mind that you are on a lower rung of the ladder. If it’s not a problem for him, then it’s not a problem. It could even be a plus.

Let him know that you are “interested” and see how it goes.

Peggy

July 26, 2019 at 7:19 am #304979

alizee2007
Participant

Thanks Peggy for your input! Another thing that is stuck in my mind is that — after our first professional meeting, I came home tired after a long day at work and wanted to rest for a few minutes. I must have slept for 10-15 minutes, but I remember that the first thought that came to my mind when I woke up was “I think I just met my husband!” and the thought continued all that afternoon, but I tried to dismiss it saying it was crazy for me to think that, as I knew nothing of the new person I had just met. This episode still runs through my mind as something like this had never happened to me.

I have tried to find a way to let him know that I like him in a subtle way (once, I brought him a souvenir from a trip I made abroad and he seemed a little surprised but he must have interpreted my gesture as a gesture of friendship and appreciation rather than love) but other than that, I cant seem to "find a way to tell him" I like him a lot. I dont want to sound desperate, pushy or jeopardize our work collaboration…. this is just killing my peace of mind but hes all I think of these days and I am looking forward to seeing him again even though its only for a short period of time.

Any advice on how I can let him know I like him in a subtle and elegant way? He brings so much joy in my life but, at the same time, sadness because I can`t be with him.

July 26, 2019 at 9:14 am #305009

Peggy
Participant

Hi Alizee2007,

In my experience, men aren’t very good at picking up on subtleties.

I think you need to establish whether or not he is in a relationship before you attempt to progress. Have you talked to any other colleagues about this – is there someone you could ask (if you can’t ask him personally)?

You could mention that there is a show that you would really like to see but you have no-one to go with and ask if he’d mind escorting you. I don’t think this would sound pushy or desperate and shouldn’t jeopardize your working relationship. If he rejects your offer (because he’s busy for instance) then see what transpires. You would need to treat this as if you were going together as friends in the first place.

Some people do just “know” when they have met someone who is going to be important to them. Michael Caine saw his future wife on a television advert and went off in search. He claims that he knew he was going to marry her. It worked for him!

There is no other way here but to be brave even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone ever so slightly. The way I see this is that “it is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all”. What do you think?

Peggy

July 26, 2019 at 11:36 am #305045
alizee2007
Participant
Peggy, you are so right. The first step is to find out his relationship status.

For as long as Ive known him (almost 2 years) he said nothing of a love relationship or even implying having one, though he talked about his parents, hobbies, friends (male), college times, etc. I also did not mention any love relationships because I have been single for many years so there was nothing for me to talk about... I only know a few of his colleagues but not that well, therefore, I do not dare to ask them about his social status. But one thing is for sure -- he is not married. I know my story sounds childish and I feel like I am in high school again, but I never thought I would fall in love with a man under these circumstances. I am just racking my brain about this situation and dont know if I should “do something”, which might sound desperate or inadequate, or just let things flow naturally and see what happens…

I might be one of those people who just “know” that they have met their soulmate, but sometimes I wonder if it is just an illusion of my mind or a gut feeling about him (I incline to think it`s gut feeling as all the feelings that I have about him are so right, peaceful and natural).

Just like you said, Peggy, I thought about “inviting” him to an event, but did not have the chance yet to use an interesting and appealing event as a “starter”. Anyways, he might not be that “social”, as, from what I realized he is a little withdrawn, quiet, preferring nature and the country side.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by alizee2007.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by alizee2007.
July 26, 2019 at 11:52 am #305053

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alizee2007:

Our feelings can be so powerful, so moving, that we believe what we feel is really happening, or will happen, because we feel it. Feelings can be very convincing, as a matter of fact, nothing is more convincing than feelings. Let’s see what you wrote: “the moment I saw him.. I felt peace, friendship and a feeling that I have known him forever”-

– the moment you saw him for the first time in your life, there was no friendship (you just met him). And you didn’t know him forever (… you just met him).

You wrote: “We meet each other 1-2 times every few weeks and developed a beautiful friendship. I miss him so much in between our professional meetings”- you meet him rarely, only once or twice every few weeks and those meetings are professional meetings.

The “beautiful friendship” is in your mind and heart, maybe not in his mind and heart. In his experience, you may be one of a few nice work colleagues that he enjoys talking to.

“I often fantasize about him being my beloved husband (sometimes, daydreaming seems so real!)”- I can relate. I used to have such elaborate daydreams about romantic love, for hours. Everything I wanted happened in those daydreams, what a stark contrast to reality that was!

When you first met him, soon after, “the first thought that came to my mind when I woke up was ‘I think I just met my husband!”.

You asked: “do you have any suggestions on how to let go of this obsession of wanting to be in a love relationship with him?”- find out what is in his mind and heart. Maybe, just maybe his sexual/ romantic orientation is not geared toward women at all. That will probably kill your obsession on the spot, won’t it? Or maybe he believes and practices open relationships only, that may rain on your parade of fantasy about him big time, won’t it?

anita

July 26, 2019 at 9:57 pm #305131
alizee2007
Participant
Hi Anita! Thanks for your input! Believe me, everything you wrote has crossed my mind and I totally agree with you that this can be “fantasy” from my part. The rational part of me has thought about that over and over again. I mean, I know it might be only me feeling like this, when he might see me only as a good friend.

So, I am torn between my feelings for him (which feel so great and right) and my rational thinking that tells me “its all an illusion" and hes only interested in me professionally…. I am so depressed about this situation, because I finally met a man I like (in a very long time) and I can`t be with him due to external circumstances ….
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by alizee2007.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by alizee2007.
July 27, 2019 at 1:50 am #305149

Peggy
Participant

Hi Alizee2007,

You’ve met a man who you have strong gut feelings for yet you are unable to approach him because………….maybe you just want to leave him in fantasy land. The reason this is depressing you is because you are not expressing you.

He likes nature, countryside, etc. Do you? Offer to pack a picnic. Make a joke of it if you have to. You have left this to flow naturally for two years. I don’t think that particular strategy is working. Let your colleagues know that you are in the market for a relationship – people talk. Perhaps it has reached his ears that you are not interested in men.

“You can’t be with him because of external circumstances”. These are the barriers you have been putting up. Perhaps he has the same barriers. Perhaps he thinks you are only interested in him professionally. How are you going to break those barriers down?

Ask yourself two questions: What is the worst that will happen if you state your interest? What is the worst that will happen if you don’t?

I absolutely believe you when you say what your feelings are towards this man you’ve met professionally. They are your feelings and they are valid. You can feel as if you have known someone forever even when you’ve just met. Why rationalize it. There are two hemispheres to our brain – rational comes from the left, emotional comes from the right (gut instinct). Trust it!

Aside from that, write a personal profile and go on to a dating website. State what you are looking for in a man. Go out with a few men that you are not obsessing over. It sounds to me as if you have been avoiding relationships for a very long time. Perhaps you need to get some dating practice in.

Let me know what you think.

Peggy

July 27, 2019 at 8:01 am #305177

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alizee2007:

You are welcome.

“the moment I saw him.. I felt peace, friendship and a feeling that I have known him forever”- it may be helpful to look into this sentence, into this immediate emotional experience that you had when you first met him:

What was it about him that produced that emotional experience, I wonder. It may be that he looked tall and strong, able to protect you that way, physically.. it may be that he looked boyish and you felt a desire to take care of that (grown) boy… it may be that his position in the company impressed you, maybe he appeared wealthy, and that gave you the safe feeling… maybe he reminded you of someone long ago, a relative whom you liked as a child…so many possibilities. What was it, do you think?

anita

July 27, 2019 at 8:37 am #305187
alizee2007
Participant
Peggy — it makes sense what you wrote above and believe me, I will do my best to “let him know I like him” because he is so important to me. I just don’t want to spoil our friendship and work relationship … it’s very difficult for me to approach a man that I like. I might be lacking those skills … You are also right when you say that I should go on dates with other men, it would take the pressure off regarding the man I like but, at the same time, I don’t see myself spending my energy in others that are not important and meaningful to me. Yes, and I was avoiding relationships for a long time using career as an excuse, mostly for fear of emotional intimacy and showing my vulnerability to a close partner. But now, with him, I am so willing and open to reveal myself as I am and develop a love relationship with him! We can both learn how to do that! I guess one needs to feel these things first because you can’t just open up to anybody!

Anita — when I first met him (aside from my feelings that I described above and which appeared like an epiphany the first moment I saw him) I liked the way he looked physically, liked his important position in the company BUT what I liked most, when talking to him and getting to know him little by little is that he is very intelligent, hard working, diligent, respectful, modest, kind, quiet, serious, friendly, funny, etc. Therefore, it’s a whole person I like, I am not just impressed by his great job or the way he looks.

Thank you both for taking the time to help and support me through this!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by alizee2007.
July 27, 2019 at 8:55 am #305195

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alizee2007:

Reads to me that what happened is that you greatly desire a relationship, got to a point that you are ready and willing and at that time, of being ready and willing, you met a very attractive man, attractive physically, professionally and otherwise. Or you met him and him being as attractive as he is, he ignited the desire in you that lay dormant before.

I don’t know what is on his mind and heart, but one thing is clear: you are ready and willing to have the love relationship of your life.

anita

July 27, 2019 at 9:14 am #305201

alizee2007
Participant

Anita, yes, I am ready for the love relationship of my life. I like him so much and there is nothing I would like more than to be with him and see where it goes … but, as you said, I don’t know what’s in his heart and mind (he might think that of me too, right? ) and this is what keeps me in the obsession that I’m in… not knowing how/ if I should approach him or letting things unfold naturally and hoping he’ll make a move. In our 2 year work relationship we have definitely become more familiar with each other, sharing more things and getting to know each other better. So, I am hoping he’ll get more comfortable and confident to ask me out on a romantic date… but, that’s something uncertain and I hate not being in control of things. I feel powerless and clueless in my situation :((

July 27, 2019 at 9:33 am #305205

Anonymous
Guest

Dear alizee207:

“or letting things unfold naturally and hoping he’ll make a move”- nothing much happens naturally in our complex, modern human society, especially in the workplace. There are so many considerations: workplace rules and regulations, stated or inferred, workplace politics, concerns regarding future promotion, work gossip and whatnot.

As a matter of fact, I know of a handsome young man in a managerial position who was involved in a short love affair with a woman who is not a manager. Their short relationship unfolded very naturally, leading to a thorough investigation that resulted in the man getting fired (the woman received a written warning). He’s been looking for another job for months and is worried that his passionate affair at work is the reason why he has not been considered yet for a new job.

Because the context you met this man is the workplace, if you were to approach him, you will have to do it in such a way that he will not feel threatened for one, that is, you don’t want him worried that other people can hear what is said or can observe awkward body language between the two of you. If you talk to him about a possible get together, a date or a relationship, suggest it in a business like manner, not emotionally or flirtatiously. Present it to him in such a way that his answer right-there-and-then is not required, in such a way that he can comfortably withdraw, but clearly enough so that you will know his answer.

anita

July 27, 2019 at 10:04 am #305215

Peggy
Participant

Hi Alizee2007,

I understand what you are saying perfectly but maybe you do need to learn to open up to people a bit more. Relationships can be important and meaningful in different ways. Why are you so ready to write everyone else off before you have even met them? I’ve met a couple of very special men in my life who’ve given me the space to be myself, a certain emotional freedom, even though they weren’t people that I wanted to commit to long term. I will always be grateful to them and think very fondly of them for the long term benefits that they brought to me.

It seems to me that you are putting obstacles in the way which don’t need to be there. What are you guarding and why? Your vulnerability, your emotions, fear of rejection? I am very concerned that you seem to think that this one person will be able to fulfill your every need. Life rarely works like that. We all need balance in our lives which generally includes several healthy relationships – a circle of friends, family, hobbies and pursuits.

This person has arrived in your life for a reason and, for now, he has inadvertently released something in you. Perhaps you are being “asked” to face your relationship fears, release what you no longer need and, dare I say, go out and have some fun. Perhaps it is time that you stopped taking yourself quite so seriously, let go of your inhibitions, meet new people, go on dates and let go of some of your pre-conceived notions that aren’t serving you very well.

Be brave, reclaim your power, smash through all those barriers you keep erecting. Stop obsessing and start living.

Best Wishes

Peggy

July 27, 2019 at 9:51 pm #305261

alizee2007
Participant

Peggy — I am very aware of the fact that a love relationship can not fulfill my every need. I have friends, family, work colleagues that have become good friends to me. I am going out, am traveling often and I am involved in various projects … all these fulfill my needs but not the need of having a significant other, of loving a man and being loved back. I often feel lonely… This need can only be fulfilled by a love relationship with a similar person. Therefore, my life is going in many directions, I am not just relying on this man to “save me”. My obsession comes only from the fact that I like him so much, am ready for a love relationship and would like it to be with him.

Anita — he is not a colleague of mine. We only collaborate for work related matters and he has a higher, auditing position to the work I do and this is why I see him rarely (1-2 times every few weeks). So, this should make things easier but you can see that they aren’t :)). Anita, you said: “If you talk to him about a possible get together, a date or a relationship, suggest it in a business like manner, not emotionally or flirtatiously. Present it to him in such a way that his answer right-there-and-then is not required, in such a way that he can comfortably withdraw, but clearly enough so that you will know his answer”, this is what I was thinking too but could not put into words. Question is – how do I do that? easier said than done … I thought I made a start of that when I gave him a souvenir from abroad but he must have interpreted it as a gesture of friendship not of love interest …
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