Perfect for each other but at the wrong time? Please help me

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This topic has 20 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Carlos Torres.

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August 19, 2015 at 5:13 am #82007

Carlos Torres
Participant

I met this girl a year and half ago when I moved to Brazil. She captured my heart and we instantly clicked. Right off the bat she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship. She suffered two bad relationships in the past and it has been 2 years since she hasn’t kissed or done anything with anyone. We are both 28 years old.

She never believed she would love again, she says she can’t feel anything for people and is very closed. I always tried with her because I love her. She didn’t know if her feelings would change.

Finally she began to open up and tried to take things slow. She began a few months to go to Therapy to help with her issues of fear, and other things. This year we started dating, kissing, sex…. but every time things seemed to get serious or too close she would distance herself. I would give her space and a week later we would start up again. She always had this confusion of things and hesitation because she is afraid of many things. Especially relationships. Things began to snowball a little. 2 months ago I helped her plan a three week vacation. She is afraid to fly, afraid to travel alone. She cried in my arms and when she was at the gate ready to board the plane. Her fear said no. She turned around and didn’t get on…… She needed to be alone and think about stuff. Fast forward two weeks from that incident.

We had an amazing week two weeks ago and then we talked about if things go right moving to Chicago and marriage. A couple days later she began to get distant. I asked her what was wrong and she said I am just worried about everything, all the things that are happening is new to me and I am scared. I told her that we are taking things slow and I am here being patient like I always have. Last night she sent me a huge message that she realized she only likes me as a friend. That she doesn’t want to hurt me. She needs to be alone and figure out why she can’t change her feelings or if it is me. That she tried but just couldn’t. She needs to give herself the chance to understand herself better and see what the problem is. Towards the end I said I tried to be Mr. Right for you. (She swore of getting involved with anyone and I came along and basically she opened up gave herself a chance with me, I obviously did something right) Her response bugs me, she said You are Mr. Right for me, but at this moment I still need to understand somethings better :(. My tiny buddha community. I know that I need to move on with my life, that if she made a choice to be friends then fine. I just don’t understand is this just fear? If I move one and once she figures things out was it just her problem? I really find it hard to believe that I am not right for her because we are a great match, I just think not at this time in the moment.

August 19, 2015 at 6:42 am #82015

Glet
Participant

Dear Carlos

wow she sounds exactly like me..for a second I even thought that this was my ex writing about,me…

I felt the need to respond to your post because I know exactly how she feels…i have been there and I know what its,like to constantly push people away…somehow jus being unable to fully accept and welcome love..
each time I had one of my moments…(as my ex used to call them)…i would l out get anxious from nowhere and all of a sudden create a problem..why we couldn’t be together,why things aren’t going to go well..i would do or say just about anything to push him away to make leave and when he gives me space,I would come to my senses and things will be back to normal…

I don’t know about your ex but when I reached and looked deeper I realized the cause of my insecurities.
see I have been hurt alot in the past and so i convinced my mind to believe that each person who comes into my life would eventually leave me…and so I would always wait for the other shoe to drop,…when things are going well that’s is when I panic thinking that the bad thing will happen next..so I would distance myself,push the person away before they can leave…
this led me to realized that deep down I didn’t believe that I am truly worthy of love from a good guy..somehow all the people leaving me in the past made me feel that I didn’t deserve it…
so when I met my ex,he was perfect but I couldn’t see him sticking around..being with me and all my insecurities,I found it hard to believe that the shoe won’t drop…and the more he got closer,the more I moved away…
(I really don’t know if I am even making sense)

I can’t tell you for sure that this is how your ex feels…
but if its even close and you want to be with this girl you need to be there for her…let her know and remind her that you won’t hurt her and that you are here to stay..go to a couples therapy with her…
that is if you love her and you still want to try things..
it won’t be easy though…

August 19, 2015 at 12:25 pm #82052

Carlos Torres
Participant

Dear Glet, You just perfectly described her on point. This is exactly here, thinking she is insecure and not good enough to love or receive love. As I was reading thru your message everything you said was true. She has a “moment” where things get serious and close and then after that she distance herself. Then when she cools down and becomes calm, she then searches for me because I give her the space to miss me and to figure things out. I still have hope that things will work out in the end. But at this moment she tells me that she needs to know herself, that she needs to figure things out. If it is truly her that she can’t feel these feelings or if it is me. I believe that it is just a mental block and with her going to therapy that she will get through it. At this moment, she wants friendship with me and that isn’t going to work since we want different things at this time. All I can do is give her the space to realize what she needs to see. What she needs to want and for her to search for me when the time is right.

August 19, 2015 at 12:43 pm #82053

Glet
Participant

Dear Carlos..
I know what you mean..
I am also currently going through that phase where I told my ex to give me space to work on myself.because I realized that I cannot keep pushing him away all the time.i believe your ex feels the same way too..she’s just scared and you are doing the right thing by giving her space..all you can really do is be patient..from the way you’ve described her I am sure she feels the same way for you…she cares…so you need to realize that this isn’t even about you..its all about her,her fears,her insecurities..
as long as she doesn’t truly believe that she is worthy of your love she will keep pushing you away…
so the space is needed for her to work on that…

I wish you two all the best..

August 19, 2015 at 1:09 pm #82054

Jodi
Participant

Understanding her fears and her motives may help, but until she can get past whatever it is that is holding her back, your relationship does not have much of a chance. With therapy or whatever else she may try, SHE still has to take a step forward and risk being in a relationship. It sounds like, right now, her answer is no and for yourself and for her your best response is to love her but let go and allow her to find her own way. Go live your life, date others and find yourself as well. If in the future she decides to take a chance with you and you are still available, then give it shot, but for now take her “no” as what she wants and offer her friendship if you can.

Best of luck,
~Jodi

August 19, 2015 at 1:09 pm #82055
Carlos Torres
Participant
Dear Glet, if you don’t mind me asking. Did your ex give you the space, did he let you be and did you know that once you are better that he will still be there and you two can be together?

My only thought right now is she basically said lets just be friends and I like you as a friend. That she needs to figure herself out and why she can’t advance in this block. I mean for her to just friendzone me must be a sign of pushing me away. I just can’t see how we can be together, kissing, having sex and from one week to another just say hey, I think we need to stop this because I keep hurting you and I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to work on myself. I get the insecurity and what you are saying. I am now just realizing that it is not about me. It is about her. At least she knows that two bad relationships ago is the past and at this moment. She has a guy who was patient enough to wait for her to open up and hopefully she will know that I want to be here when she is ready and when she goes after me when she is ready.

Dear Jodi, thank you for your response. I am taking her answer as a “No” for right now. I don’t think I can offer her friendship and that was what we ended on the last conversation. That we both agree we can’t just be friends. I told her I tried to be Mr.Right and she said you are for me but at this moment something is missing that I need to understand better about (herself)
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Carlos Torres.
August 19, 2015 at 1:21 pm #82058

Glet
Participant

Dear Carlos..
no I don’t mind you asking at all.

He did give me,space and just like your ex I told him that we should just be friends…it was really hard to try and,just be friends and in the beginning we found ourselves falling back into the same routines..
we talk daily but we’re trying not to see each other at the moment..
one,thing that has really helped me is how persistent he is..he has always been..he’s patient and once in a while he reminds me that he’s there for me..which helps me and motivates me to work on myself cause I have this amazing guy who won’t give up on me…one who loves me enough to wait..that has helped me alot..

try and talk to her once in a while..let her know that you are there for her..

but is it just the 2 past relationships that caused her insecurities?..
what is her family life like?
her childhood…?

August 19, 2015 at 1:36 pm #82059

Carlos Torres
Participant

Well this all happened yesterday. So it is still fresh. The last thing I said was when you know what you really want and figure things out and change your mind then contact me. In the meantime I just came back from the gym, posting here which helps me tremendously because I feel like I am not the only one who had this situation occur or is living it. She had a relationship of 5 years then one of 1.5 years she returned to the one of 5 years for a month and he shattered her heart completely. She has been single for two years before I came along in 2014. The Brazilian culture is are very close and the daughters and sons live with their parents most of the time until they are married. So right now she is not happy living at home, and not happy with her job either. She is very scared of a lot of things. Afraid to fly, afraid of relationships, insecure and negative thoughts. All this seemed to occur after she got disappointed in people.

At this moment I will give her space, and maybe after a few weeks if I haven’t heard from her, perhaps a small text to let her know that I am doing well and I am here for her always. but I would obviously prefer she contacts me when she feels ready. I don’t want to push her away.

Do you think talking to your ex is helping? Or does it just fulfill something emotional for you, the attachment without risking?

August 19, 2015 at 1:53 pm #82060

Annie
Participant

Hello Carlos,

Jodi has given you excellent advice in the comments. She said that she needs to “figure herself out and why she can’t advance in this block. I mean for her to just friendzone me must be a sign of pushing me away.” Yes, her friend zoning you is a way of pushing you away. I’ve realized a couple of things in these types of situations, they may or may not apply to you. It may feel as if to her that you don’t love her enough to let her be on her own or that you are forcing her to stay with you. She has been hurt in other relationships and was slowly making her way back. You said that you have been “patient” and I understand how difficult it is to be patient. In your mind, do you expect her to reciprocate your feelings because you have been patient? Although it can be frustrating being with someone who is unsure of their feelings, it can leave us waiting for the other person to reciprocate before we give ourselves to them again. She has to work on these things on her own in terms of fear of flying, fear of relationships, insecurity, and negative thoughts. She is right that only she can figure out what is making her feel this way. Sometimes people are not afraid of relationships themselves, but more the type of feelings that arise from the relationship (these can be both good and bad). She may be afraid that things are going too well and that may be new for her so she pushed you away first or she fears that something bad will happen and she will hurt you so she pushed you away.

You said, “The last thing I said was when you know what you really want and figure things out and change your mind then contact me.” Although I can see that you care about her deeply and want to be with her, to her it may seem as if you are putting her under an obligation to return or remain in the relationship. I may be wrong, but you two may be misunderstanding each other’s words/intentions.

August 19, 2015 at 2:29 pm #82062

Carlos Torres
Participant

Dear Annie, from the two things you mentioned “It may feel as if to her that you don’t love her enough to let her be on her own or that you are forcing her to stay with you” I don’t think it is either, she knows very well how I feel. She knows that I have been patient and understanding of this complicated situation. I think that she realized that she was hurting me by being close and then pushing me away. It got to the point where she did a lot of thinking and said I only like you as a friend. Two weeks ago she brought up about if things keeping going like this will we move to chicago or stay here and talking about marriage and scenarios about the two different customs we have as I am American and how we do our traditional ceremonies. Then a week later she went distant. Until she started to think about somethings and her feelings that were leaving her bipolar and confused. It took a while for her to open up to me. She didn’t kiss or have sex with a guy for two years. We would go out as friends and of course I would get a little upset when the night didn’t end in a kiss and she realized that. She always told me that she is not ready and it is a choice, for whatever motive that she just doesn’t want to be involved with someone. We stopped talking for a couple months last year and when we talked again things started to move a long. May of this year we kissed and started a relationship. I love this girl, and I demonstrated to her how I feel. I respect how she feels and even though I am hurting, I feel a little relieved that I don’t want to experience those highs and lows. I would want it to be steady. It has indeed been difficult like a roller coaster. She mentioned to me that everything happening is scary for her and just afraid to get hurt and to hurt me.

The last thing you mentioned, we came to terms that being just friends wouldn’t work. That if she changed her mind then to send me a message and we can set up a time to go out and have fun. It wasn’t like an obligation but my intentions was to leave the door open for her.

August 19, 2015 at 6:36 pm #82083
Annie
Participant
Hello again Carlos,

I think this situation was way too familiar for me, but of course it is unique to you, which is why I was trying to open up about the things that I have learned and checking if they may be plausible. It seems as if you two have opened up to each other and you have demonstrated that you care and are willing to give her space. Have you done anything to show her that you can give her space? Or maybe think about whether or not there were any issues in the relationship?

You said, “even though I am hurting, I feel a little relieved that I don’t want to experience those highs and lows.” I understand what you are saying. Could it be possible that she feels this way as well? – That if she can stay away then you will be able to be happy and so will she? She did say that she was afraid to get hurt and to hurt you.

I am in a similar situation as you are, I’m just taking things one day at a time and learning more about what makes a good relationship and the communication styles of men and women. If you are looking for advice as to what to do, then I think you are right that you may be a good match, but now is not the right time. Once she has learned how to deal with her fears then she can work on the relationship and give you what you need so that both of you can be happy. If not, then you still know that it wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could do about it. There are mental/emotional walls that she has to bring down on her own before she can feel comfortable letting another person in. For now, enjoy being single and learn more about good relationships or date other people.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Annie.
August 20, 2015 at 2:09 am #82095

Carlos Torres
Participant

Hey Anne, I hope you are having a good day!Anytime that she felt scared or distant I would immediately notice and just let her come to me. As time passes she would message me and things would go back to normal. She is a very jealous person but during our last conversation where she friendzoned me, she talked about why she was always jealous and she came to the conclusion that she couldn’t understand why some other girls could be just your friend and not her and in a way she wanted to just have what we have only with her. She wanted to always go out with me as friends. Then she went on about how we are both almost 30 years old and there is no point wasting our time with something that is not going to evolve. I get what she is saying and in this moment it is not possible to evolve because of these mental blocks. The only situation that I did that was a mistake was I lied to her about something and she was upset about it which made her more cautious. I apologized, gave her space and things were okay afterwards and we continued the relationship like normal but would be very hesitant. She says that she tried and tried but her feelings never changed to evolve into more and she can’t feel something in general. About a 4 months ago she was feeling sad and before we finally started going out she said to me that she is a closed person and she just doesn’t feel the same way about people. From animals, to family to people and especially herself. How can she love someone if she cannot love herself. I am the last person to play games with someone. I love her and would want a future with her. Only time and space can solve this, or so I hope it does. If I was able to get her to open up and try then I am sure if she was feeling better that things would work. It is up to her though. I didn’t use to be patient. We are both the same age but I have life experience that helps me be mature and patient about things. I was in the Marine Corps and went to War, I was married before already and now moving to another country adds another experience. One issue that seemed to resonate with her is issues of the past. Having a negative feeling that the past will always come back to bite her in the ass. That I somehow still have feelings for my past and that just gave her ammunition to create something to push me away. Of course those things were created in her mind and not something that I put out there. At this moment she pushed me a way, told me she only sees me as a friend and that the relationship can’t go on because she needs to figure herself out. Wants to know if it is her the problem or if it is me. My gut feeling tells me that it is not about me. She definitely has feelings for me of other than friendship. For her to open up to me, to do all the things we do and the way we talked to each other only happens if there is attraction and you like each other. Etc sex, kissing, our cute nicknames, the way we interacted with each other. Things that “Friends” don’t do. She used to say that we have different feelings and that is something she wanted to change but couldn’t. I love her but I never wanted her to just love me quickly. That is something that happens over time especially with someone like her where “love” is something hard for her to just give because it would leave her completely vulnerable to get hurt again. Anything to risk and have something backfire is something on her mind.

Lastly, in the heat of the break up I hinted on that maybe I won’t be here anymore at the end of the year and just go back to Chicago. Thinking things clearly now, I have no intentions to go back. I enjoy living here and I really want to work things out with her and marry her one day.

August 20, 2015 at 9:08 am #82101

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Carlos Torres:

I am a late arriving to your thread and have the benefit of reading all your posts since the original. This is my feedback: she appears- from your writing- to be mostly honest. Her statement that bugged you, her statement that you are Mr. Right, but… rings of dishonesty and manipulation to me. The manipulation is: don’t give up on me even though I don’t feel that you are Mr. Right, so i am going to say you are Mr. Right so that you will stay…. although I want space but I also want you…I believe it was dishonest mostly because it bugged you, by your own testimony, when she said that.

It seems to me that you are honest and better off emotionally (your emotional health) than her.

You wrote: “I feel a little relieved that I don’t want to experience those highs and lows. I would want it to be steady.” This is what healthy people want in a relationship, at least on the long run. You feeling relieved indicates to me that you don’t want the relationship you had with her. You only want certain parts of it, not the whole package.

You are not her psychotherapist. It is not your job- nor is it in your ability- to help her, to cure her, etc. The more you try- and fail- the LESS MENTALLY HEALTHY YOU will be. You are in pain right now for not having the good parts of the relationship with her, but you still have what you will terribly miss if you wait for her- your own well being.

The pain you feel over the love that was there- at the times it was there- that is much preferrable to experience and to release, over time, then the pain of being unwell, of the … life force in you being sucked out of you into her despair. Save yourself.

anita

August 20, 2015 at 12:52 pm #82113

Carlos Torres
Participant

Dear Anita, I agree with you in parts. When we go out, the time we spend together and everything we have been through has been great. The parts that are the lows are her being indecisive of being “ready” fully. When she gets too close she runs away, and gets insecure and scared. So this unstable part is what is sometimes hard to deal with. I give her the space she needs and comes to her senses that things are okay and nothing to fear. I know that this is on her, and I cannot help her. That is why I can’t be just friends because that is going to hurt me in the long run. I feel I am Mr. Right and that is something she will need to figure out in time. I would like to share with you and everyone her exact first message to me, basically finishing things. I used google translate since it was in Portuguese
[2:41 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: Look …. I’am not being distant ….
[2:42 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I’m just very concerned …. Much the same and I will be very honest as I ever was
[2:42 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: We’re trying …. But it is complicated for me u know !!!
[2:43 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: Different Feelings …. Now this question lie …. I am more cautious
[2:43 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: And I do not want to create too many expectations !!
[2:43 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I love u !!! You know this !!! But I am very afraid of everything that’s going on!
[2:48 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I’m not distant
[2:48 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: Only cautious

[3:26 am, 09/08/2015] ctorres3486: You know that your feelings and mine are not much different
[3:27 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I try !!
[3:27 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I swear I try
[3:27 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: And I’m really changing
[3:27 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: But my feelings
[3:27 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: The I have for u are more rare and valuable than anything
[3:28 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: And will never change
[3:28 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: But I’m talking about feeling of love
[3:28 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: It seems that I’ll never feel again
[3:29 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: Or if I can
[3:29 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: To know what love is
[3:29 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: The love I have for u is unique and rare to believe that
[3:29 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: It is love … Really
[3:29 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: But a different love !!
[3:30 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I would kill anything or anyone to harm you
[3:30 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: And why kill me many times
[3:31 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I want to kill me
[3:31 am, 09/08/2015] ctorres3486: And you sure that this is not feelings of love boo? that u think will not feel again.
[3:31 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: Boo Everyday I ask myself that question
[3:31 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: I wonder this every day
[3:31 am, 09/08/2015] Boo: And I have no answer !! And why is this bipolarity

I’m pretty thoughtful these days !! You know I do not want to hurt you ever …. But I’m “stuck” …. I do not know where to go ….
[10:54 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: What to do … !!
[10:54 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: I think I need to slow down … Because things do not involve just me
[10:55 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: But yeah u !!
[10:55 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: And it worries me a lot
[10:55 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: It’s not like the fear of flying …. What if I do not go I do not go and I’ll just pay the price
[10:56 pm, 08/11/2015] Boo: A relationship is made of two people !! And why I care so much with you
[10:58 pm, 08/11/2015] ctorres3486: Just worry about yourself and what you want. No pressure at all. Take your time. If you want to keep what we have and take it slow. Then we can. Like I told you before. I am here.
[10:59 pm, 08/11/2015] ctorres3486: For me slow is okay. I have Been patient with you and will keep to be.

And then this was two days ago!

Good evening!! I hope you are well!! I would like you to know that much thought these days about us … about everything … And I came to the conclusion that u are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met … What I feel for you is and will always be unique …. But what I have to offer is something that you might not want !! I would like to ask you a million sorrys for everything I did, everything I charged, and fought for my madness … I wanted to thank you immensely for everything …. absolutely everything you did for me !! I mean also that I tried …. I tried to give myself to you and live something with you …. But unfortunately I couldn’t … I can not keep hurting you and, therefore, prefer to stop here !! I never find the words to thank and describes all we lived … All times together, sharing fears, joys, sorrows, anger, emotions …. You are the one true angel and friend to me !! Do not get me wrong …. I just want, more than anything in this world, you get well … very well !! I really needed to say it for u!

In my gut I feel that she does like me more than a friend, but just not ready for anything else right now because of the emotional block and so using the just friends as a way to push me back!

August 21, 2015 at 6:09 am #82135

Jodi
Participant

She could very well be using the “just friends” excuse to push you back. However, the result is the same……she’s not choosing a relationship with you, regardless of the reason. Your job is to decide if you sit and wait for her to change her mind or move on with your life. Moving on doesn’t mean you close the door completely, but it does mean you begin to look for what you want in a relationship in other people (someone who chooses to be in a relationship with you). Putting your life on hold until she can figure her life out doesn’t seem to serve either of you very well.

~Jodi
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