Hello,

I am so sorry to hear about your unfortunate series of events. It is very common in life that one bad thing happens after another, and we are caught blindsided, the rug is swept under our feet and we have to rebuild our life in some way.

There are many aspects you have to deal with right now, and you probably know, though as much as you’d like to, there is no quick fix to the situation. You have to deal with your parents, decide what to do with your academic future, your finances… and to deal with a probable loss (in some form) of someone you love.

I will only write now my opinion on the last issue (loss of someone you love), cause it would be a long post if I type about everything all at once. I will also not reflect on the behavior of your ‘friend’ though I find few things tricky in that regard…

Remember- you are human. When a situation like this occurs- losing someone close, it is normal to be followed by one of the most difficult emotions of all, it is called grief. And grief has five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The best remedy is to be aware for this emotional situation right now, till you move to acceptance. I will repeat again, do not feel guilty or frightened from the emotional mix that is overwhelming you right now.. As much as it is unpleasant, it is normal reaction to the recent event, and trying to fix things quickly with actions, pills, unfortunately won’t work in the long run. Talking to someone who understands you, and dealing with one thing at a time, accepting that it normal to feel the way you do right now, I think it’s a best start. You have to give some time for your brain and body to re-calibrate to this new shocking situation, and to find a way to move on. You can help your self through different methods (some people turn to spiritual paths, some exercise, some try to re-focus their attention in order to get some relief). But i promise that as scary as it is, this is just one dark and big cloud from your life, and if you give it a time, it will pass. You will feel good again.

Be real of the situation with your friend- how would you react if you overheard someone declaring love to your fiancee? Making radical steps right now, I think will be only adding fuel to the fire. Also give that situation bit time to calm down. Maybe things will never be the same with the friend, but when all the heat goes away and all of you realize that the incident that occurred is in the past, there might be a chance you reconnect again. Nothing is written in stone, and life is full of surprises,and some of them are good.

I am not sure if it’s still a right time to talk about this… But think about your future. Being emotionally and financially dependent on anyone is never a good situation, ever. Hope if nothing else a good lesson will come out of this. Also I have two friends who neglected their academic education because they were dealing with matters of the ‘heart’ at that time. One year is ‘nothing’… One of those friends wasted 5 years on just few exams. You can not imagine her regret the years that followed. I am not telling to put a pressure on yourself when you are still vulnerable, give yourself some time now. But also promise yourself that next time you will fight for your happiness,for you well being, for the future you deserve. Next time you will be smarter and stronger, and you will be your own biggest emotional support and best friend.

And may I add, it is very noble of you to genuinely wish the happiness of your friend, even though you had feelings for her. This fact speaks for itself that you are a good person, you did your best, no mater what your parents or anyone else says.

Hi adyonfire,
Sorry that you had to go through all this .
Is it possible for you to take up a job and study parallely?
You will meet new people, interact with clients, get busy with your work which will keep you engaged. You might find good friends at your workplace. Even if you don’t make friends,work may help you not to dwell so much on this situation. You can slowly work on getting back the focus you need for studies. Just a thought. Good luck.

@adyonfire4, you are experiencing heartbreak and intense loneliness in relatively new city. Its making it harder to bounce back from things and its understandable. My suggestion at the moment would be to regularly go for some form of counselling at first:

1) free online chat based counselling – yourdost – some are pretty good and often we need that regular encouragement
2) healtheminds – phone based counselling, quite reasonable
3) There are several counselors in hyderabad as well.
4) 7cups – more of general chat

Also, start some volunteering work in the weekends – Nirmaan Foundation is pretty good. Meetups in the tech industry is a good way to network and stay occupied as well. Right now, you are feeling more frustrated because the dream isnt working out, the girl didnt and no friends, family around to support you. Something needs to fill up that void and you need to find ways to move forward.

As for why she changed her number, the hard reality is this – she got married and her husband knows about you. Would it really be fair on him knowing you two had a history and she is still in touch with you, supporting you emotionally? Marriage changes things dude. Its not your fault, its just the situation. Right now though, as tempting as it may seem to curse yourself, your life and why this and that is happening, you gotta pick up the pieces, find ways to encourage yourself. Keep a good backup ready as well – too much gap wouldnt be very helpful anyway.

Regards,
Nina

Dear adyonfire4:

In order for me to understand you better, can you tell me more about the following quote from your original post: ” i had no family support, who kept carping about why you didn’t go for a placement… i had to live a hostel in HYD because they won’t let me live at home”?

anita