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Please give your opinion on my situation. Please help me.

HomeForumsRelationshipsPlease give your opinion on my situation. Please help me.

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #106917
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    In 2012 I was in relationship with a girl, initially everything was great between us, but than she misbehaved with me few times and I was only getting hurt by being with her, so I told her, we won’t be talking from today onwards, we did not fight,but simply stopped talking. I felt greatly relieved after the end of this relationship, I made many new friends, enjoyed my life to the fullest.

    But in 2013, somehow we had again become friends, this time her behavior was good, but for me it was a platonic friendship.

    Now fast forward to 2014, I had completed my BTech from a NIT, I had the opportunity for getting good placement, but i decided to pursue my dream of Mtech from IISC, Bangalore, for which i started preparing for GATE exam, i didn’t get a good rank in GATE 2015, but i was progressing well, i was preparing for GATE 2016, with my full focus, Although i had no family support, who kept carping about why you didn’t go for a placement(without thinking i was planning for something much bigger than that), i had to live a hostel in HYD because they won’t let me live at home, at this time my only support was (that girl whom i mentioned before).

    In 2015 being in new place I was alone, didn’t make any friends(my BIGGEST MISTAKE) to concentrate on my studies, I somehow became emotionally dependent on her, I again really had a deep feeling of love, but i did not tell her anything because it would completely distract me from studies. Few days later she called me announcing her wedding, I was totally shocked. Although i didn’t say anything rude to her, I just said to her to wait for me Because I love her and we can get married very soon. But i was completely unaware that her Fiance was also on the phone, listening to whatever i said, She mentioned that her parents had taken the decision, and its impossible to change it now because everything is planned and fixed. Although she said we still can be friends.

    Now her Fiance in all his anger told a hundred bad things to me, shouting on me, I realized that i have not only lost the person i love but lost my best friend all at same time. Also her fiance simply told her to break any contacts with me, and she had to obey him, I tried my best, apologizing many times but no good effect.

    In few days i realized that its OK that she married him, but losing her as a friend was the worst part, I lost all my focus, Eventhough i got a very good rank, I still could not make it to IISc Bangalore, I lost everything because of that incident, Lost her, lost a friend, lost 1 year of hard work, and had to listen to carping from my parents for my repeated failure, i’m full of regret, today I’m in real depression, I keep thinking did i hurt her in any way? Is she still upset because of me? Have i hurt her relation? But recently on her FB Account i saw her wedding pics, I was relieved to see her happy. But the self destructive thoughts in my mind keep telling me that i have hurt her, and do not deserve to live.

    If anybody has any suggestions, remedy to my depression I hope they will help.

    #106918
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello,

    I am so sorry to hear about your unfortunate series of events. It is very common in life that one bad thing happens after another, and we are caught blindsided, the rug is swept under our feet and we have to rebuild our life in some way.

    There are many aspects you have to deal with right now, and you probably know, though as much as you’d like to, there is no quick fix to the situation. You have to deal with your parents, decide what to do with your academic future, your finances… and to deal with a probable loss (in some form) of someone you love.

    I will only write now my opinion on the last issue (loss of someone you love), cause it would be a long post if I type about everything all at once. I will also not reflect on the behavior of your ‘friend’ though I find few things tricky in that regard…

    Remember- you are human. When a situation like this occurs- losing someone close, it is normal to be followed by one of the most difficult emotions of all, it is called grief. And grief has five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The best remedy is to be aware for this emotional situation right now, till you move to acceptance. I will repeat again, do not feel guilty or frightened from the emotional mix that is overwhelming you right now.. As much as it is unpleasant, it is normal reaction to the recent event, and trying to fix things quickly with actions, pills, unfortunately won’t work in the long run. Talking to someone who understands you, and dealing with one thing at a time, accepting that it normal to feel the way you do right now, I think it’s a best start. You have to give some time for your brain and body to re-calibrate to this new shocking situation, and to find a way to move on. You can help your self through different methods (some people turn to spiritual paths, some exercise, some try to re-focus their attention in order to get some relief). But i promise that as scary as it is, this is just one dark and big cloud from your life, and if you give it a time, it will pass. You will feel good again.

    Be real of the situation with your friend- how would you react if you overheard someone declaring love to your fiancee? Making radical steps right now, I think will be only adding fuel to the fire. Also give that situation bit time to calm down. Maybe things will never be the same with the friend, but when all the heat goes away and all of you realize that the incident that occurred is in the past, there might be a chance you reconnect again. Nothing is written in stone, and life is full of surprises,and some of them are good.

    I am not sure if it’s still a right time to talk about this… But think about your future. Being emotionally and financially dependent on anyone is never a good situation, ever. Hope if nothing else a good lesson will come out of this. Also I have two friends who neglected their academic education because they were dealing with matters of the ‘heart’ at that time. One year is ‘nothing’… One of those friends wasted 5 years on just few exams. You can not imagine her regret the years that followed. I am not telling to put a pressure on yourself when you are still vulnerable, give yourself some time now. But also promise yourself that next time you will fight for your happiness,for you well being, for the future you deserve. Next time you will be smarter and stronger, and you will be your own biggest emotional support and best friend.

    And may I add, it is very noble of you to genuinely wish the happiness of your friend, even though you had feelings for her. This fact speaks for itself that you are a good person, you did your best, no mater what your parents or anyone else says.

    #106919
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @Maria
    Thanks for the reply
    Actually, my problem gets more twisted. I got over the fact that she has married someone else because I think, after all she wasn’t forced to marry him and she is happy with him also.
    This incident happened on 6 August 2015, I called her a few days later, she just asked me to start a new life, focus on my studies, and I just congratulated her for her marriage. And ofcourse few days later her number got changed. But still my mind is fixated with that event asking me again Why?, because of which I’m unable to study. Also from another side my mind asks me to study hard so I can reach my goals, I’m caught in a loop where I just sit cursing myself, for letting myself, my friends & my parents down & I can’t even share this with anybody. I was a brilliant hard working student , everything was good but now I’m nothing.

    #106920
    humour
    Participant

    Hi adyonfire,
    Sorry that you had to go through all this .
    Is it possible for you to take up a job and study parallely?
    You will meet new people, interact with clients, get busy with your work which will keep you engaged. You might find good friends at your workplace. Even if you don’t make friends,work may help you not to dwell so much on this situation. You can slowly work on getting back the focus you need for studies. Just a thought. Good luck.

    #106921
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi anyonfire,

    Well, the fault was hers back in 2012! Think about it. You had to change the status of the relationship to “Just Friends” because she couldn’t behave. Listen, in your 20’s a woman (and her parents) naturally wants to get married and the man naturally wants to build his nest! You were trying to build your nest (studies/career).

    I also don’t like how you finally confess very real feelings and the fiancé gets upset to that level. As if knowing someone for a month (??) trumps knowing someone for four years.

    Well, what’s done is done.

    It is possible to have a job during the day and retake the exam by studying at night (now that you’ve taken it once).

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #106923
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @humour @Inky
    That is exactly the plan. I’m joining a job very soon and preparing for exam alongside. That is the only way out.

    #106925
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adyonfire4:

    I think the key sentence in your post is this: “In 2015 being in new place I was alone, didn’t make any friends(my BIGGEST MISTAKE) to concentrate on my studies” yes, it was your biggest mistake looking back.

    A person needs emotional support, comfort from at least one other person. Can’t live as an island as we are social creatures by nature, born that way. So when you figured you should be alone so to concentrate on your studies, that was a good plan for the short term only, not the long term of studying.

    So you got very lonely and hungry for emotional/ social support, comfort. Then you attached yourself to the only person available, and when that person was to be gone from your life (getting married), you panicked and were willing to do anything to get her back, even marrying her.

    This emotional distress of starving for support, comfort… love, the attachment to the only source now taken away, this island you became, isolated in a sea of water, was in great distress: anxiety and depression.

    The underlying lack of your social support, I believe, is the unfortunate fact that your parents abandoned you, not allowing you to live at home and criticizing you repeatedly.

    Your parents in behaving that way set you up for failure.

    My advice is to distance yourself from your parents, that is to no longer hope for their approval, no longer try to get their support, comfort, love. See it as a lost cause.

    Then look for support, comfort, love elsewhere, other people, one at a time or a group, perhaps a support group of people you can meet in person. This is what you needed all along and what you still need.

    anita

    #106928
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @anita
    Thanks for the reply
    Actually, my problem gets more twisted. I got over the fact that she has married someone else because I think, after all she wasn’t forced to marry him and she is happy with him also.
    This incident happened on 6 August 2015, I called her a few days later, she just asked me to start a new life, focus on my studies, and I just congratulated her for her marriage. And ofcourse few days later her number got changed. But still my mind is fixated with that event asking me again Why?, because of which I’m unable to study. Also from another side my mind asks me to study hard so I can reach my goals, I’m caught in a loop where I just sit cursing myself, for letting myself, my friends & my parents down & I can’t even share this with anybody. I was a brilliant hard working student , everything was good but now I’m nothing.

    #106930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adyonfire4:

    It seems to me that you are indeed “caught in a loop”- my goodness- your reply to me is the exact copy of your reply to another member earlier. I am thinking you didn’t read my reply to you. Please step outside the loop, if you can, read my post and reply again.

    anita

    #106934
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @anita
    I had read your post before replying to you. I gave that reply specifically to you because I thought you might have only read my initial post and not my reply to others.

    #106948
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adyonfire4:

    I see. Well, what do you think about my first reply to you? Any thoughts about what I communicated to you?

    anita

    #106949
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    @adyonfire4, you are experiencing heartbreak and intense loneliness in relatively new city. Its making it harder to bounce back from things and its understandable. My suggestion at the moment would be to regularly go for some form of counselling at first:

    1) free online chat based counselling – yourdost – some are pretty good and often we need that regular encouragement
    2) healtheminds – phone based counselling, quite reasonable
    3) There are several counselors in hyderabad as well.
    4) 7cups – more of general chat

    Also, start some volunteering work in the weekends – Nirmaan Foundation is pretty good. Meetups in the tech industry is a good way to network and stay occupied as well. Right now, you are feeling more frustrated because the dream isnt working out, the girl didnt and no friends, family around to support you. Something needs to fill up that void and you need to find ways to move forward.

    As for why she changed her number, the hard reality is this – she got married and her husband knows about you. Would it really be fair on him knowing you two had a history and she is still in touch with you, supporting you emotionally? Marriage changes things dude. Its not your fault, its just the situation. Right now though, as tempting as it may seem to curse yourself, your life and why this and that is happening, you gotta pick up the pieces, find ways to encourage yourself. Keep a good backup ready as well – too much gap wouldnt be very helpful anyway.

    Regards,
    Nina

    #106950
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @anita Your analysis is correct. I unknowingly created the perfect environment for the disaster to take place. And her marriage also fixed at the same time. Worse part we were not in contact for few months before, I came to my new hostel, 10 days later because of apparent loneliness called her, and 9 days later her marriage got fixed, even my cell number was different, and when I called her I gave her my new cell number. If she didn’t have my new number this incident would not have happened. When I joined all these links behind this incident, I simply lost faith in God because only few days back I had put my entire faith in god, but then this happened- I just thought, How can everything fall into place like this in perfect position for this incident to happen?
    Sounds like a Evil Revenge Plot.

    #106951
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adyonfire4:

    In order for me to understand you better, can you tell me more about the following quote from your original post: ” i had no family support, who kept carping about why you didn’t go for a placement… i had to live a hostel in HYD because they won’t let me live at home”?

    anita

    #106954
    adyonfire4
    Participant

    @anita Both my parents are working. But they keep fighting over silly things. My father (thinkin that I’m incapable person) asked me to join some random college for MTech, which is completely impossible for me. Then when I was preparing for exam he said Why are you sitting idle at home? I said I’m studing 15 hours a day not sitting idle. I cannot study in such environment, I want Peace of mind while studying, so I came to hostel again. I hope its clear.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)

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