Hi Marisol and Aislynn,

It sounds like what you two went through is a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. You can find the definition here:

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/

The best way to handle people like this is to get away from them, which is what you are doing now. Hopefully but knowing the techniques these people utilise you can spot someone like this more quickly in the future.

Marisol,

Glad to hear from you again.

“Although it is something that I want , I have to question whether this is something that he wants” Okay, so you got him to promise loyalty to you, but you’re wondering whether it was something that he wants, which to me says that you did not talk it over enough to ask him if it was what he wanted. Had you, then you would know if it is what he wants. Basically then, it seems this promise was rather vague and one sided.

“I am not sure about what I want mostly because my gut is telling me that something is off. Yesterday I ended up catching him in a lie involving a girl and the discovery is making me feel like I am back at square one emotionally.” I say, trust your extincts. More often than not, I am about to do something but have the sinking suspicion that it is not what I should be doing, and it usually ends up right. Those feelings are there for a reason. Trust them. As for you catching him in a lie, while I do not know what that lie was, ask yourself, does this compromise his promise of loyalty to you? If so, then he all ready broke his promise, which means that he is all ready off to a bad start. Not a good thing. If he broke his promise so soon all ready, what is to stop him from breaking it again?

At this point, while he understands that you are upset, because you did not respond to him, he knows you enough that he knows it is only a matter of time before you start talking to him again. This is what he knows, because it is what you continue to do. I am not judging you, I am simply stating what I see. I say this because he will continue to take advantage of this. In fact, he all ready did. Had he understood the concept of losing you last time when you enforced the no contact rule, he wouldn’t have been lying to you this time.

“I feel that I shouldn’t respond all together, cut him loose, and continue on no contact but my guilt of it seeming like I am ghosting him is preventing me from doing so.” This is how you feel, so ask yourself, what is keeping you there? You admit how bad your relationship to him was, so my question to you is, what prevents you from letting go? And this guilt, about ghosting him. Well, you have a right to simply cease all contact. However, if it makes you feel better, write him a letter. Tell him all the things that made you happy, the good things you shared, but also explain to him how badly he treated you, explain to him how it made you feel. Cuss him out, question him, do whatever you need to. If this is what you need for closure, then do it. However, it is up to you whether you send him this letter or not. Personally, writing the closure letter should be enough, you don’t have to send it. However, if you want to hold him accountable then let him read it.

I know it hurts. It always does, and that is why you are in this dilemma, because you care. It is never easy letting go. It is one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes, you just have to do it because it is what is best for you. Think of what is best for you, not him. You are only responsible for yourself, not him.

Dear Marisol:

Do vent anytime. Sorry you are in distress. When you want input, please let (the reader, me included) know.

anita

Hi Marisol,

From the chaos of the situation and in-between your heart/mind chatter, you have articulated everything so well. I have learnt so much from just reading your thoughts, and from the wonderful responses you have received.

To add to this if I may….. Step back for a moment and define what a relationship is to you. Are you in a place of love, growing, learning, evolving, or repeating a cycle of hurt, pain, anguish?

For me, a relationship is about two whole people sharing their lives. Like two lamps together, they shine on their own, but when close, the light intensifies and is brighter. This is a choice to share, and that choice is made by each person, independently, that benefits both people. Two levels of love exist here also….. A true love (gratitude, harmony, acceptance, empathy, etc) from your innerself that is universal in nature, and an ego love (wants, desires, etc).

I would ask you to look at the relationship you have with this guy and ask yourself a few questions, and answer with as much truth and clarity as you have shared here already. Are you two whole people coming together? Are you both sharing all of yourselves? Are you both authentic and transparent in your actions and thoughts? Is this what you want for yourself?

I have recently learnt from a similar situation, that no matter how much love exists, and time, energy, attention, money, compassion, patience, respect and trust you give, if a person is not willing to do the same in return, then what you think is real….. most likely is not. If he is lying to you, then you are not experiencing who he really is – it is false – and your ‘idea’ of him is also not real, but imagined.

No one else is required to be whole within yourself. Relationships are like a crash course in finding out whether you are whole, or co-dependant. Perhaps you are beginning to see the relationships as it is, not as you wish it to be….

Also to note….. when the two lamps seperate, the light still shines independently of each other. Just as when two people seperate, the intensity of what existed, now feels empty, and that space tricks us into thinking we are not whole, and we need the other to be completed. This is not true….. your light still shines, and you have time now to reflect on what you need to do within to continue growing.

Life reflects back your inner world – this is a great time to understand all your choices made, discover why you made them, and if your choices were not based in self love, what is the belief, or thoughts that allowed you to move away from loving yourself.

I know it hurts – a deep hurt – and at the same time, here is the universe offering you another chance to learn and grow from your experience.

I wish you all the best in your journey of self discovery

Best

Evan