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  • #285509
    lindsey
    Participant

    I’m separating from my husband of 12 years. Actually we have not been together for the last 2 years but lived in the same house because we have a 6 and 7 year old.  I’m moving into an apartment in 2 weeks.  I’m so ashamed right now.  There is a manager at my work that I started seeing about 3 months ago and it just ended.  He dumped me basically.  There was abuse mostly verbal in my marriage for the past 6 years and I think I have ptsd.  I have this fear now if people leaving me.  I don’t know what exactly went wrong but my issues had something to do it it ending along with him being an asshole.  However I can’t get negative thoughts out of my head mostly me coming off desperate. I have to see him everyday and I cry in the bathroom.  I suffer from anxiety and it was worse when I was with him.  Please offer some guidance I’m replying in my head all of our conversations and things that happened and I want it all to just go away

    #285513
    Mark
    Participant

    lindsey,

    It is tough making that transition from being married for so long (especially when you share children) to a more independent life.

    I am sorry that you are feeling shame and anxiety.

    It seems that you are learning all the hard lessons of what not to do, i.e. do not jump into another relationship until you finalize the divorce (signed papers) and giving yourself at least a year of living on your own without dating.  Do not date your manager or preferably anyone you work with.

    If there is healing to be had, e.g. PTSD then heal or at least be well into being healed before starting another relationship.

    Guidance?  I assume you have considered leaving your current position to somewhere else where you won’t see your manager/ex-lover?

    I assume that you are going to or at least considered therapy to deal with your impending divorce and PTSD.

    If not then those are go places to start.

    Take care,
    Mark

    #285515
    lindsey
    Participant

    Mark,

    He’s not my manager just in my department but i still should not have pursued it.  It was not a smart thing to do and my friends told me the same I did it anyway because I was desperate for attention and affection.  I’m in the process of getting help.  This entire thing just really sucks.  I can’t stop questioning and replaying everything.

    #285517
    Mark
    Participant

    lindsey,

    I can understand replaying and regretting what has happened.  There is a therapy I read about that can supplement seeing an in person therapsit that deals with trauma (among other things).  There is traditional journaling which there are articles that guide you.  There is also another approach where you re-write your life.  It is journaling in a way but you write your own story.  It helps you take control of your life again.

    I’m looking at TRE, Trauma Release Exercises for myself.  It’s appealing for I won’t need a counselor/therapist beyond that I need to learn it in order to practice it for myself.  It also is taught by other practitioners like yoga instructors.

    There are a myriad of other modalities that help PTSD like EMDR, EFT, and others.

    Right now, try journaling as the first step.  Look up ways on how best approach that.

    Mark

    #285575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lindsey:

    It must have been- and still is- very difficult to live with your estranged husband in the same house for two years. This in itself (regardless of the ten years before) is a huge stressor, isn’t it?

    In two weeks this huge stressor will be gone and you will finally live away from this man.

    Once you are in your new apartment, life will be better for you. From your new location you can start making choices that will help you and your children.

    Regarding the short relationship with your manager, keep in mind that there are plenty of short relationships between co workers everywhere. In many places there are rules against such relationships because.. they are so common.

    What is your shame about (“I’m so ashamed right now”)?

    anita

    #285585
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lindsey,

    One thing that helped me was imagining that certain outcomes happened because I did them ON PURPOSE!

    So in your journal you could write, “In preparation for being a truly single person at last, I cleverly handled myself so the manager would “dump” me. Once I tricked him into thinking it was his decision (to spare his feelings) I felt such a sense of relief that I cried in the bathroom thanking The Goddess he would never fall in love with me.”

    You can have fun with this! And the best part is don’t be surprised if certain people are impressed and surprised by your new Victory Aura!

    Best,

    Inky

    #285631
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    i feel a lot of shame because I realize how many issues I have now because of the abuse in my marriage and I came off desperate with the short term guy.  I’m starting to get my head around the fact that he might have took advantage of me and just got what he wanted.  I put up with a lot of rude treatment.  I’m starting to think he is not a good person and I want to tell him this but I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have anxiety and was just diagnosed with bipolar spectrum meaning my highs and lows are not major and don’t meet the basic criteria.  So I have a lot of shame with my mental illness too.  I think I was manic when I flirted with him and pursued him.  My mania is anxiety attacks, irritability, poor boundaries.   Then I got obsessive thoughts about him and felt insecure and really anxious.

    #285647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lindsey:

    Regarding the “bipolar spectrum”- isn’t everyone sometimes happy, other times sad? And so, isn’t everyone on the bipolar (happy- sad) spectrum..

    Don’t get attached too easily to mental illness (“my mental illness”). You are having a very difficult time, you are significantly anxious, but so are millions of people. Your emotional health can improve a whole lot once you have your own apartment, once you get some quality psychotherapy and learn the necessary skill  of being assertive as well as learning to evaluate men before getting physically involved with them.

    Don’t add shame to your already difficult life. Be easy on yourself. If any one of your children makes a mistake, do you add shame to their experience, or do teach them empathetically, gently, patiently how to function more effectively in life?

    anita

    #285679
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you very much for your input. It’s really beneficial because I feel so lost.  I’m definitely bipolar  because  lots of the ssri’s Don’t do anything and others cause anxiety attacks.  However I agree and think my illness is on steroids right now with all my stress.  I’m trying to work on me but it’s a lot of work lol

    #285685
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lindsey:

    You are welcome. You may very well fit the diagnosis of bipolar at the current time, but you may not fit it in the future. Regarding SSRIs, Zoloft for one is known to cause agitation and that is why it is prescribed in the mornings while other SSRIs are known to be calming and are prescribed in the evenings. Psychiatric medications are often prescribed on an experimentation basis-

    -some patients feel better or benefit from a particular medication for no known reason, it is a hit and miss thing. The fact that you didn’t benefit from SSRIs is not evidence that you are bipolar, in my understanding. I am not a medical doctor but I do have plenty of experience with SSRI and doctors prescribing these.

    I will soon be away from the computer for a while. Please post anytime you want and I do hope that your life gets much better when you move to your own place this coming April!

    anita

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