October 17, 2019 at 6:35 am #318357
Me and my ex were together for two years. We had been in long term relationships before this) his 8 years and mine 3). We met four months afterwards on a dating site and fell deeply in love. At the time we were both back living at home which we werent exactly enjoying, and wanted to get our own place. A few months later, he got the news his parents had planned to pay for his new house as part of a trust fund. And so he bought his house. It needed renovated and we decided to stay amongst it, which was silly. Before moving in a depression bout hot me and I was unsure if I was making the right decisions, I voiced this to him several times and though he settled me, I could see he was loosing patience. Walls and rooms were being knocked down around us and we were quarantined to our bedroom. We were joined at the hip constantly day and night and we had no space. He has always been find of drinking as an escape and distraction, and he started to do that more and more, even even I was in the house and getting ready for bed. Eventually it builded resentment in me and the arguing was constant. I always felt like I wasnt a priority and often neglected. I knew he was unhappy I side and felt like a failure and I tried to help him. He went to therapy and had made progress, but it wasn’t long before he was starting to bottle things up and then blow up. He lost all respect for me and it was like we were living separate lives. We broke up two months ago and I was devastated. After a week he got back in touch and said that he really needs to unpack some things in therapy. So we dated once a week from two months ago and it ended up we were still arguing, there was still the same resentment there. Nothing had changed. So he broke up with me again saying we’re incompatible. I’m distraught, after years of being his rock he can’t be mine. He says he dosent have what it takes to make me happy (deep emotion) and that it’s unfair for both of us. I wish it could be different and he would see that it’s his own u happiness causing this, and the stressful circumstances too.
This is my first post here I’m terribly sorry its so long. I am in talks with a counsellor and I’ve yet to go back to work since it happened three days ago. I just can’t see a way out. Any advice to get over this or make this seem less disastrous please share xOctober 17, 2019 at 8:50 am #318393PeggyParticipant
Your boyfriend isn’t in a place where he can be your rock. That requires a totally secure person, which he is not. Your boyfriend’s drinking is his go-to therapy when he needs to deal with his anger. The act of going into therapy means that old stuff is going to be churned up and continues to be churned up between sessions whilst our brains try and sort out the scrambled mess. There is a difference between arguing and discussing. The same buttons are still being pressed. There is no magic wand that puts people or relationships right when they have gone wrong.
For the time being, I would accept this break-up as being for the best and continue with the counselling sessions. Stand back from all that has happened and focus on yourself. The right counsellor should explore the many different elements your post contains and help you work through your feelings.
It would be good if you could return to work as soon as possible as it will give you less time to dwell on this break-up. Do all you can to relax with soothing music, pamper baths, aromatherapy oils, candles and even fresh flowers.
I hope you can find some happiness soon.
PeggyOctober 17, 2019 at 12:00 pm #318435anitaParticipant
You shared that you were in a 3 year relationship that ended. Four months later you met this man your thread is about and fell in love. You were living at home at the time, with your parents I assume and weren’t happy there. After a few months of dating him, the two of you decided to live together in his new new house which was under renovations. Before moving in with him you felt depressed and weren’t sure you were making the right decision (“Before moving in a depression bout hit me and I was unsure”)-
– if you want to, will you share more about that depression, before moving in with him, what was it about?
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 2:08 pm #318443salmacgregorParticipant
I’m so sorry that your relationship was so difficult and that it ended in such a stressful way. It sounds from what you’ve said as if the circumstances during the relationship were very stressful too, such as living in a place which was being knocked down around you, and this can’t have helped your state of mind at all.
If I understand you correctly, the relationship only properly ended 3 days ago so it’s not surprising you are feeling so unhappy. It is a great thing that you are seeing a counsellor who can help you go through your feelings properly. Are you spending much time with friends or family members? Planning some nice things to do with them will help you to remember that you are loved.
You also say that you wish things could be different and that you wish your ex could see that his unhappiness and the stressful circumstances is what caused the break-up. It might be that he feels the same way however it may not be possible for him to put these things to one side in order to be the partner that you deserve. You deserve someone who won’t neglect you and who will give you the love and support that you need.
Please let us know how you are getting on
SalOctober 17, 2019 at 2:16 pm #318449
I was depressed because I guess my rocd (which has been present with every man I’ve been with) flared up due to entering into a new stage of the relationship. I always question everything where relationships are concerned. I ruminate to the point of illhealthOctober 17, 2019 at 2:18 pm #318451
Thankyou Sal, your post means alot xOctober 17, 2019 at 2:29 pm #318455
Thankyou Peggy. Its nice to hear such supportive words from others. I wish everything wasn’t as catastrophic as I feel it is. And I know it’s only my low self esteem chiming in when I find myself hoping he returns someday.October 17, 2019 at 2:54 pm #318457anitaParticipant
I am familiar with rOCD. If you want to share about your experience with it, please do. That is, if you feel like sharing about it. It often helps to share and receive an attentive reply, which I intend to offer you if you share. I do hope you feel better soon enough.
(Will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anitaOctober 18, 2019 at 5:56 am #318517PeggyParticipant
Thank you for your reply. I hope you follow through on some of my suggestions. Lack of self esteem is not a condition. It can be eradicated really simply. You need to identify all the good things there are about you and then you need to tell yourself over and over again. Sit quietly whilst you go through your list of “I am ………………….(insert positive word). Pause between each statement that you make about yourself. Really take it into your abdomen – let it go to the core of yourself.
You will find under the ‘Fun’ Section of this Forum, the kind of things others are able to say about themselves. As long as you feel that the words you use about yourself are true, then this will have an amazing effect upon you.
Your situation feels catastrophic at the moment because you are looking at the whole thing. If you divide this up into small pieces, you will find that it is much easier to deal with.
You can come through this being much stronger than you ever thought possible.
All the Best