Home→Forums→Tough Times→Pls i beg, anyone help me with this every year issue of mine
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February 3, 2023 at 11:45 pm #414935
AnonymousInactiveRight now you are blaming yourself. Well I should have made our relationship official. I should have posted photos. I’m afraid she will leave because I’m not good enough. Telling yourself that you made mistakes and this anxiety is the result.
You will come to learn in time that none of it is true. It’s all simply an old habit. Something that you’ve done over and over for year’s because you had bad experiences as a child.
= Yes, i know it’s an old habit of mine, always blaming myself for my mistakes….
It’s just that i miscalculated, i thought it’s better to post our relationship on social media on an important occasion, like valentines day… I never thought she’d have a staycation before valentines day…. If i knew about it sooner, i’d have posted our relationship before she go to the staycation with her friends….. I really miscalculated…
Because i’m really grateful that i’ve met her, especially after my heartbreak with my previous crush…. That’s why im trying my best to avoid making mistakes….
February 4, 2023 at 4:20 pm #415031
HelcatParticipantHi Eric
I don’t think that this behaviour was a mistake. I think you did your best to protect yourself.
You were dealing with enough anxiety as it was and made some request to prevent additional stressors.
Well done for protecting yourself!
That being said I’m glad that you’re getting to a point where you feel mentally prepared to share your relationship with people.
February 5, 2023 at 7:22 am #415036AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Do u think this the right time for me to show my relationship to social media?
I still have thoughts that i might regret showing my relationship, but deep down i also wanna show my relationship…..
I just dont want to feel devastated if i regret my decision later on…. Because i can never predict what people will comment on my relationship….
February 5, 2023 at 7:24 am #415037AnonymousInactiveBecause the event is only few days away, and i need to make sure that my decision is correct….
And regarding my “small house” trauma that i wrote in the previous page (the 2nd thread from below), do u have any opinions about it?
February 5, 2023 at 9:52 am #415042HelcatParticipantHi Eric
What do you think the pros and cons are of announcing your relationship on social media?
Sometimes I find that this can be helpful for making decisions.
That depends, do you have anything else that you’d like to share about your small house trauma?
February 5, 2023 at 6:12 pm #415051AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
As for the social media,
The pros are that i show to public that me and her are having a relationship, and it “should” stop boys from texting/trying to get close to her, people also might congratulate us for our relationship, we can show our happy moments together to public….
The cons is that some of my friends might keep asking me to meet her/wanna hang out with her often whereas when i dont show to public we both have freedom without anyone interfering, some of my friends and some of her friends might judge our relationship, i’ll also have more pressure to tell her regarding my family issues, some of her friends/family might judge my appearance (my physical appearance), my weaknesses could be exposed by many people (my friends), i also will have more pressure to invite her to my house and she might judge my house, next year’s chinese new year are gonna be more stressful for me due to pressure because she’ll post on social media on that occasion, also more pressure to immediately do well on my job….
Also i always have a hard time making a decision, even regarding the bracelet and handbag (i’ve already bought the handbag)… Like should i just give one of it or both….
Regarding this pros is that i can have a good image for myself as i can show financial capabilities, but the cons is that people might regard me as arrogant because they might thought i’m a bit too much on giving the gifts…. There could be other gossip comments too….
This overthinking always gives me a hard time to make a decision….
February 6, 2023 at 1:19 am #415056HelcatParticipantHi Eric
I noticed that on your cons list includes a lot of concerns related to anxiety. Most likely all of the concerns you have on your con list won’t all happen. It’s statistically unlikely. However, some may happen. I hope that they are not as bad as you think.
Definitely meeting friends and family will happen. But that also has the potential to be a nice thing.
Your main concern seems to be that people will judge you and act in an unkind way. Historically, people have treat you this way.
Most people are cruel to others because they have issues themselves. Everyone who has hurt you in the past has been in pain themselves and chosen to act in a way that makes them feel strong and powerful for a short time only. Afterwards, people who hurt others experience self-hatred and often live in denial of their actions because facing the pain of what they have done is overwhelming.
My point is, that in the off chance that someone behaves unkindly. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t even related to you. There are sick people in the world, but there are lots of kind people too.
February 7, 2023 at 7:39 am #415126AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Thank you for trying to reassure me that meeting friends and family might be a good thing instead of negative, and also for reassuring me that not all people are unpleasant but there are also kind people…
I hope my decision in posting on social media along with the handbag, bracelet and flowers will be a right decision… and will prove to improve the relationship….
There is also something i’d like to share, so i went to the capital of my country for business purposes with my parents…. And i feel sad, because i remembered that the girl im dating now said that when she graduated later on she “may” have a plan to work in the capital…. She is now still on her uni in our city (our city is not the capital of our country)… but she told me i shouldnt think about it too much as it’s still next year and it’s not fixed…
Well it’s true that in every capital city of a country, the chances for earning are much higher…. But as for me i cant be in the capital because my family’s business are in my city, i want to reassure her that she’s fine with me in our city, she can just try to find job in our city not in the capital….. But it’s all up to the individual…
So when i went to the capital i saw a good looking guy working, i keep imagining… what if she go to the capital and work and finally get attracted to a good looking guy in the capital…. She might leave me…. And i feel so sad and worried….
This is also my reason why im trying to reassure her of my financial capabilities, to prevent her from going to the capital…..
Do u think this is a habit of mine, trying to find something to worry in our relationship? Or it’s a normal thing that im trying to anticipate a heartbreak, and therefore trying to find solutions for the relationship?
February 7, 2023 at 7:44 am #415127AnonymousInactiveIm also worried that she might change if she go to the capital…. Because from what i saw, most people’s personality and attitude have some changes when they venture to a new place….
February 7, 2023 at 2:12 pm #415137HelcatParticipantHi Eric
I trust that you make good decisions, ones that are right for you.
It’s good that you are developing the instinct that something is going on with your anxiety.
I have a couple of quick questions before I share my thoughts, because I’d like a little more context. How was the business trip for you? Do you travel for work often? Did you experience any anxiety related to work or travelling to / or being in a big city?
I’m just trying to understand whether or not that experience triggered anxiety for you.
February 7, 2023 at 3:01 pm #415141AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
The business trip was quite okay, as im just accompanying my parent because im still in the phase of learning…. And no, we dont travel for business trips often, once in a while…
I experience anxiety only because the girl im dating said that she may wanna work in the capital…. which cause sadness and worry every time i visit the capital now…. The anxiety isnt due to being in a big city, im quite okay with big city because every year if there is a long holiday i went on holidays to another country, so i visit big city often…
February 8, 2023 at 4:50 am #415155HelcatParticipantHi Eric
Thank you for clarifying that the business trip itself didn’t cause any anxiety.
I think that you were right when you suggested it might be your habit of worrying about your relationship occurring.
Some unique information about anxiety. Is that it releases adrenaline. Our bodies can develop an addiction to it like with caffeine. Your body is used to releasing these chemicals and would like to continue this habit.
I’ve had experiences of worrying about future events too. Worrying about the future causes a lot of pain. At best you are giving your body the shot of adrenaline it craves.
It doesn’t prepare us for the future, it doesn’t help us prevent that future. And all of the pain and anxiety is over a future that may never even happen in the first place.
As your partner said nothing is concrete. Plans are subject to change.
February 9, 2023 at 6:28 am #415190AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
So what u are suggesting is that i shouldnt think too much on something that is not concrete?
But still although it’s not concrete, there is still possibilities for it to happen….
And yes, you may be right it doesnt prepare and prevent that future….. so what should i do then? I feel like i need to do something to prepare and prevent, because if i do nothing i could get worse….
Because i know, with my qualities i wont be able to hold her if she wanna leave for the capital… that’s why im trying to prevent her from thinking of leaving our city…. I never want to discuss about the capital with her so she wont remember or think about it…. Is helpful in ur opinion?
But if think about her leaving our city, there could lots of reasons that could cause her to leave…. And i dont think i can prevent it all…. I feel so worried because i’ve been looking for a girl like her for a long time, and i finally found her…. I wanna cherish and love her…. That’s why i dont wanna cause any mistakes that cause her to leave…. I dont know if this sound like the “addiction of anxiety” that u talked about above, i just speak what’s inside my mind…
February 9, 2023 at 4:20 pm #415204HelcatParticipantHi Eric
These worries are simply a different presentation of the same worry that you’ve had throughout the relationship. Insecurity that she will leave you because you don’t feel good enough.
You have a habit of finding new problems to worry about in this way.
Another way to think about this from a psychological perspective is that humans are creatures of habit. We gravitate towards what is normal for us. What has been normal for you is high levels of anxiety and your worries jumping from topic to topic, always concerned that you aren’t good enough in some way.
It takes time to change your base line for what is normal for you. It’s a question of how would you like to feel? And taking steps to build up some good healthy habits.
Please practice your favourite self-soothing techniques. It will get easier in time as you really get into a habit of it.
Thoughts are just habits and new healthier thoughts and habits can be nurtured.
February 11, 2023 at 5:39 pm #415236AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Day by day i keep feeling grateful that i met her, because she didnt judge me or my family…. I cant believe there is someone who dont judge me…..
Day by day i keep feeling worried of losing her, because i’ve always wanted a girl who doesnt judge me at all…. And i dont wanna lose her….
And few days ago i was so sure that im gonna post our relationship on social media on valentines day which is in 2 days….. But now i suddenly hesitate because im afraid of bad impressions…. And all this time when we dont expose our relationship, we are free from criticism or people who judge us…. But if i expose our relationship later on, it might open us to criticism and judging opinions from people…. But at the same time i also want to post our relationship so that other boys wont try to text or initiate a conversation with her, im so stressed right now…..
So yesterday i have a date with her, and we’re running out of dating spot in our city, and i feel so worried that she might feel bored of our city and decided to leave….
I’m planning to go on holidays with her on another city to have more spots, but im also afraid that she might feel the other city is better than our city and decided to leave…. I dont know what should i do, everything seems to create a mistake…. -
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