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  • #58810
    tulips8
    Participant

    I just got out of a drawn out awful relationship. After reading a bit online, I think this person was a sociopath at worst, and a narcissist and compulsive liar at best.

    Briefly – some things that went on:

    1. He broke up with me to “work on his mental health” and instead got with another woman he had been leading on and then lied about it when we got back together. (I found out the truth 8 months later.)
    2. Whenever we had a fight, he would start talking to other women and hooking them in.
    3. Was physically violent. (Pushed me, broke glasses, punched walls, tried to hit me with his car, speeding with me in the car.)
    4. Blamed me for everything/did not tell the truth to his family – I saw an email in which someone tried to diagnosis ME after HE physically abused me. His sister shamed me into thinking it was my fault he hurt me because “he asked me to leave the house, and I didn’t.”
    5. Lied when we were broken up to get me involved again: said he was going to therapy, that I was “the one,” he wanted to connect me with people for a job, all the trips we’d go on, let’s have a family, etc. When we were talking again, he dropped all of those supposed promises and acted like he never said them.
    6. He never told me of an STD he had until after giving it to me.
    7. A few days after breaking up the second to last time, he was responding to women on Craigslist. This was while he was aggressively pursuing me and telling me I was the love of his life. When I confronted him, he said, “It’s not like I was trying to have a relationship with any of them.”
    8. He never lets go of any exes, and even though I said it made me uncomfortable that he spoke with them all so frequently, he never stopped (though pretended to).
    9. There was no privacy — he would tell all his friends things personal things about me that I thought I was sharing just with him.
    10. Stalking – leaving flowers and letters on my property when I clearly stated I do not want contact. Moving 2 blocks away away from me after we broke up. Following me in his car while smiling like nothing happened.

    Now that I am writing everything out, I cannot believe I stayed in. I have read it takes an abused party 7 – 10 attempts to leave the relationship. I have now blocked contact from him, but I have a feeling he will try and show up again. I don’t know if a restraining order will provoke him or help.

    I feel traumatized to the point where I am having trouble leaving my house. On top of that, I am scared of running into him or his friends. I don’t know what he told the people in his life about me, but it feels like whenever I see anyone around town that I am being scorned or shamed. I feel silenced and I want to be able to tell my side, but I know that is probably not the answer. My friends have been sympathetic, but they think it’s a normal breakup. It is not. I am anxious and shaking everyday. I am in therapy, but it is not enough, and I can’t rely on her to help me go the grocery store and such. If anyone else has had an experience like this, I’d love to hear your thoughts or suggestions for getting through this.

    #58812
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi,

    Nobody here can know what might or might not aggravate him. I don’t think he would know what would aggravate him. The thing I do know about sociopaths and narcissists is that their whole world is build upon an illusion. That is how they navigate through everything and can excuse their own behavior. I think that is also the reason why they are so prone to aggression, because it is difficult to maintain this illusion. That is also the reason why people stay with them: they too have bought the illusion and believe it to be true. They’re dashing and exciting at first, but if you really think about it, it’s all talk and smoke and mirrors, and there’s really not that much to back up what we think to be true.

    My one advice would be to break free from the illusion and see the whole thing for what it really is. But that requires you to heal yourself and focus on yourself and get in touch with reality. He will go on doing what he will do. Sometimes, those types are really afraid of reality and will flee if they have to face it, but like I said, there is no way of knowing what might aggravate him further. Regardless of that, you need to get back to reality and away from the illusions and the drama. I see from the old threads that you’ve been to AA. Whilst I don’t personally fully agree with the 12 steps program, part of it is to face the reality for what it really is and stop living a lie. So, you do have that route to help you along your journey. I guarantee you that the reality is much, much less intimidating that the world of illusions is.

    #58815
    Inky
    Participant

    Can you possibly get away ~ put your essentials in a backpack, and just Get OUT! Then move ~ but have other guys move your stuff in storage ~ then, when you find a place, get everything Later!

    I know it’s tremendously unfair, but you need a clean start in a new place. Don’t be so easy to find.

    The alternative (which sounds better) is to be a Warrior ~ tell everyone who will listen what happened. Tell the police. Get the restraining order. Hold your head up. Don’t just Go to the store. Own the store. Own the Town. Go to town hall meetings. Write letters to the editor. Get loads and loads of friends, neighbors, the community around you. Live so large that he won’t be able to stand the Light.

    P.S. There is no shame in doing the first option!!!! Safety comes first, even mental safety. But pick one. And go all in. You do not get to be his favorite hobby with the stalking.

    P.P.S. Yes I had a stalker. But after a few years of nonsense, I also acquired a boyfriend. When I got married I changed my name to his and we moved. DH has a very common name. And my stalker ex wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box. When the (long story for another post) suddenly stopped, I think it was because ~ he couldn’t figure out how to find me!!! Yay, name change/moving!!

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    #58818
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi tulips8,

    Having been in a relationship with someone who was no doubt in the cluster b personality type area, I know that this person is charming on the outside, cons you in, then starts the manipulative abuse, and others won’t believe what he is really doing. As The Ruminant said, they are dashing – they tend to be outwardly attractive and popular because they hate themselves and need to appear like Barbie, or Ken. Also, confronting them does not work; you are trying to resolve something that probably cannot be resolved. There are therapies, but the person resists. In my case I was able to put distance between us. This was relatively easy. I avoid places and mutual friends.

    In your case, that is proving difficult. I suggest both plans that Inky offered. 1) get away, and 2) document the abuse and take steps toward a restraining order. If you are successful in getting away, great. If not, follow up on the restraining order or what ever makes sense. Talk with a lawyer who has experience here. For example, what if a police car pulls into his driveway every time he leaves a note, would this embarrass him by challenging his delusional world? So he would not repeat the action?

    Take care of yourself. By the way if your therapist is not trained and experienced for this situation, consider finding one who is. Over time learn why you are open to this type of relationship – I’m working on this myself.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
    #58843
    tulips8
    Participant

    Hi Ruminant, Inky, Big Blue:

    All of your responses were so comforting, particularly because I haven’t told people in my life the specifics with the exception of my therapist. (Yes, she specializes in domestic violence.) It makes me feel so validated just to hear that other people have had similar experiences and that I’m not going crazy. I didn’t know cluster b personality was a thing, but I just looked it up and wowza..that fits the bill.

    I think that you are right – I should stay with friends for a while and look for another place. I will record the events and look into how to follow through with a restraining order in the event that he comes around again.

    As for mobilizing myself again…I would like to “own the store/town..” I am having anxiety because I feel targeted and my self esteem is clearly not in good shape if I was in this to begin with. I have thought of telling everyone I can, but I am
    1. embarrassed/ashamed and 2. hesitant to give it any energy, including negative energy, as I think it may feed his ego. On the other hand, there is a part of me that wants to warn people/future women with some sort of online truth. I am not sure that is the way to handle it though.

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